Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

Unrequited love and depression...

Page 1 of 1 [ 9 posts ] 

Previous topic | Next topic

specialsauce
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 21 Nov 2013
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 170
Location: London

31 Oct 2015, 9:51 am

What can I do about this situation? I've posted before about a colleague I like. Yesterday was my last day at that company, and probably the last time I saw her. We talked briefly and she gave me a hug and placed her hand on my back for a few seconds while saying goodbye.

Today I am tearful because I think I love her even though I shouldn't. We never knew eachother that well but I like everything I know about her.

I think she will be happy for me to contact her by linkedin or her work email. If I still feel this way in a month I will contact her to let her know how I am doing and ask if she wants to catch up, but I can probably guess the answer will be no.

I'm so mad at myself for falling in love with her and I blame aspergers. I don't like being so inexperienced at 26 when it seems to me that it should be so easy for someone to finally "give me a chance" and just go on one date with me. I continue to be ignored by every girl I message on the dating sites.

So next week I start a Consulting job, it will force me to travel and talk to new people. It will be hard work for an aspie like me, but it's what I need to break me out of this rut. Right now I am so despondent that changing jobs is easy.

The idea of traveling makes me feel more alone and that's why I don't often do it for pleasure.

I can blow smoke up my own butt about how it will be different and I might meet someone at one of the new companies I'll be visiting, but I'll still have aspergers and I'll still be a "boring person", so still no one will really want me.

I have three siblings who all have friends to meet regularly so it sucks that I don't. It really sucks so much. I sometimes get invited as a tag along by a couple of people so I'm always the outsider. Nobody wants a new friend who doesn't have anyone else to hang out with.

I guess I just need someone to tell me it will all be okay.... if you can make me believe it that would be even better.



rdos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jul 2005
Age: 63
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,096
Location: Sweden

31 Oct 2015, 10:02 am

specialsauce wrote:
I'm so mad at myself for falling in love with her and I blame aspergers. I don't like being so inexperienced at 26 when it seems to me that it should be so easy for someone to finally "give me a chance" and just go on one date with me. I continue to be ignored by every girl I message on the dating sites.


There is nothing wrong with the neurodiverse relationship process, and regardless of how much you hate it you are stuck with it. So do yourself a favor and figure out how it works and take advantage of that knowledge instead of continuing with worthless whining.



MissBearpolar
Raven
Raven

Joined: 24 Oct 2015
Age: 45
Posts: 107

31 Oct 2015, 10:14 am

specialsauce wrote:
What can I do about this situation? I've posted before about a colleague I like. Yesterday was my last day at that company, and probably the last time I saw her. We talked briefly and she gave me a hug and placed her hand on my back for a few seconds while saying goodbye.

Today I am tearful because I think I love her even though I shouldn't. We never knew eachother that well but I like everything I know about her.

I think she will be happy for me to contact her by linkedin or her work email. If I still feel this way in a month I will contact her to let her know how I am doing and ask if she wants to catch up, but I can probably guess the answer will be no.

I'm so mad at myself for falling in love with her and I blame aspergers. I don't like being so inexperienced at 26 when it seems to me that it should be so easy for someone to finally "give me a chance" and just go on one date with me. I continue to be ignored by every girl I message on the dating sites.

So next week I start a Consulting job, it will force me to travel and talk to new people. It will be hard work for an aspie like me, but it's what I need to break me out of this rut. Right now I am so despondent that changing jobs is easy.

The idea of traveling makes me feel more alone and that's why I don't often do it for pleasure.

I can blow smoke up my own butt about how it will be different and I might meet someone at one of the new companies I'll be visiting, but I'll still have aspergers and I'll still be a "boring person", so still no one will really want me.

I have three siblings who all have friends to meet regularly so it sucks that I don't. It really sucks so much. I sometimes get invited as a tag along by a couple of people so I'm always the outsider. Nobody wants a new friend who doesn't have anyone else to hang out with.

I guess I just need someone to tell me it will all be okay.... if you can make me believe it that would be even better.


Trying to date people you work closely with or that you encounter in your first days/months on a new job or at a new job site is a really, really bad idea. Using the new job as an opportunity to hopefully make friends, however, might work.

I have no idea if it'll eventually be okay or work out for you. Life has no guarantees.

Have you considered:
- trying to make friends (friendships are typically easier to navigate than romantic relationships, so learning to walk before trying to run might just apply), as people do make new friends all the time. The process is just slower for growbups who see people less often than students + have more demands on their time.
- asking your siblings to include you in group gatherings so you can get to know and befriend their friends and/or having them set you up with one of their female friends
- take an online dating break if it's driving you to despair



specialsauce
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 21 Nov 2013
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 170
Location: London

31 Oct 2015, 10:44 am

rdos wrote:
specialsauce wrote:
I'm so mad at myself for falling in love with her and I blame aspergers. I don't like being so inexperienced at 26 when it seems to me that it should be so easy for someone to finally "give me a chance" and just go on one date with me. I continue to be ignored by every girl I message on the dating sites.


There is nothing wrong with the neurodiverse relationship process, and regardless of how much you hate it you are stuck with it. So do yourself a favor and figure out how it works and take advantage of that knowledge instead of continuing with worthless whining.


That's what I'm trying to do. There might be nothing wrong with the "neurodiverse relationship process" but that doesn't change the fact that I can't find any neurodiverse people to spend time with. How did you do it?

MissBearpolar wrote:
Trying to date people you work closely with or that you encounter in your first days/months on a new job or at a new job site is a really, really bad idea. Using the new job as an opportunity to hopefully make friends, however, might work.

I have no idea if it'll eventually be okay or work out for you. Life has no guarantees.

Have you considered:
- trying to make friends (friendships are typically easier to navigate than romantic relationships, so learning to walk before trying to run might just apply), as people do make new friends all the time. The process is just slower for growbups who see people less often than students + have more demands on their time.
- asking your siblings to include you in group gatherings so you can get to know and befriend their friends and/or having them set you up with one of their female friends
- take an online dating break if it's driving you to despair


Of course I try to make friends, but I don't know how/where/who? My siblings friends are too different from me. I don't even talk that much to my siblings to be honest. I wish I did more, I almost feel like they don't like talking to me.

I'm not saying I would just turn up at a new job site and ask people out, but I see and hear of people hooking up at work all the time. I would try to befriend anyone I liked first. The fact remains I will probably fall in love with one of them anyway....

So I don't even know what kind of help I need but I know I need some help. Maybe some kind of instruction manual for how to stop feeling alone or how to stop it from depressing me? I could stop whining and it might help you but it wouldn't really help me.

One thing that kind of helps me is knowing that I haven't really met anyone who I would get on with anyway (other than maybe this woman I'm talking about, I think we would get on). But I'm scared maybe I can't get on with anybody for more than a handful of meetings a year.



Last edited by specialsauce on 31 Oct 2015, 1:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Venger
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,519

31 Oct 2015, 1:06 pm

^^
Don't listen to her, at work is a great place to meet women since you'll be around them regularly which gives them the opportunity to make it clear whether they like you or not. 10x better way to meet young girls than stupid online-dating in my opinion, guess it also depends on the job though.



MissBearpolar
Raven
Raven

Joined: 24 Oct 2015
Age: 45
Posts: 107

31 Oct 2015, 1:45 pm

I don't have an issue with dating people you meet through work, provided they're neither your supervisor nor your underling. (I also prefer not to date anyone I have to interact with regularly because it'd be awful in the case of a bad breakup. It hasn't really been an issue since I have 7000+ colleagues).

But dating people you just met? When you've just started a job? Is that really the sort of first impression you'd like to make? You're, um, entitled to -- but I sure wouldn't!



Venger
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,519

31 Oct 2015, 1:56 pm

The guy should usually wait for the female to make the first move in that situation(i.e. no flirting on his part). And if she makes one at all it should be after months of working there at a minimum, obviously.



specialsauce
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 21 Nov 2013
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 170
Location: London

31 Oct 2015, 2:17 pm

Yeah, I know that.

If you read the actual tone of my post, it kind of implied that I don't consider that a good option, anyway. I just consider it the only option, and obviously I would wait. Duh.

I was really asking for advice on how to stop feeling sad about my situation, but oh well.

Maybe we can just remove this thread if it's bringing people down.



rdos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jul 2005
Age: 63
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,096
Location: Sweden

31 Oct 2015, 7:44 pm

specialsauce wrote:
That's what I'm trying to do. There might be nothing wrong with the "neurodiverse relationship process" but that doesn't change the fact that I can't find any neurodiverse people to spend time with. How did you do it?


It came naturally to me already in high school and college. After school it becomes harder as you must find environments where you see the same girls regularly. Hobbies, preferentially hobbies that young girls find interesting are good places to attend. Jobs can also work, if you are careful about it.