"We can still be friends"

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Just saw this and wanted to post it here because I thought y'all would like it.

Saying "But we can still be friends" is like your Mom saying "Your dog just died, but you can still keep him".

I thought that was cute and also true.

It's much worse than keeping a dead pet's corpse.
/e: But only if you care.

So true, and also whole family of "I love you as a friend," statements.

I've had women tell me point blank that they they weren't sure they even liked me, much less wanting to go out with me. Ironically, they're the ones I was best able to build a post-awkwardness friendship with. That kind of honesty is hard to come by and worth keeping in your life.

In breakups, I've found "let's be friends" is really code for "let's not be enemies" as both a dumper and the dumpee. And that's a good thing.

How this plays out: If I wasn't friends with the guy before we dated or introduced by a mutual friend, I probably won't ever run into them again, so it's a non-issue. If I was friends or we run in the same-ish circles, we probably will semi-regularly turn up at the same brunch/wedding/housewarming and the ability to go "oh, Bob, so nice to see you. I must be off to chat with Julie" without being thrown for an emotional loop is super-duper important.

If I broke up with someone and used the line "but we can still be friends" sincerely, then if they thought that was the same as saying "your dog died but you can keep him", that means they think our friendship is meaningless and has no value, in which case, what were we doing together as a couple anyway? A relationship is more than just sex and romance to me, the friendship side is extremely important, and worth keeping if it's still going strong despite the other stuff falling away.

I once had an ex that gave me the whole non-mutual "let's just be friends" line. She even said we could still hang out and do stuff together. Someone please tell me how that is supposed to work.

To me, this is like saying I'm not really interested in you anymore, but I will still hang out with you, until I find someone better.

If I get with anyone its not for the purpose of 'being friends" its about being more than just that. So what I would do is If thats what the person wants its fine, I respect that because we have to part ways and never speak again. If I have to respect what you want, you have to respect what I want.

This caused me to get a lot of stalkers in the late teens and twenties which caused girls who previously just wanted to be friends to be more out of jealousy. For some women they can't handle the fact you got one over on them and they have to part on there own terms not yours.

I remember once having to fake and pretend to be jealous, to give a girl a reason to feel righteous indignation so she could break up with me and leave me alone because simply saying, "I do not want to see you anymore" did not work.

"I don't want to see you anymore" alone is adequate and can be backed up with a restraining or no contact order of the person refuses to accept it. It's just silly and reinforcing of bad behavior to play games (fake jealousy) because you can't bring yourself to simply stop answering calls/texts from a girl you've dumped.

If you have a good friendship, it works the same as it does with your other friends. You hang out, and aren't intimate. Why aren't you in a relationship with all your friends? Because the intimacy side of it wouldn't work for you (you are not attracted to them in that way, or whatever). That can be the same with someone who is an ex. You get along as friends, but the intimacy part doesn't work (anymore). So you don't do that part.

If it is the friendship part that has broken down, obviously "we can still be friends" is a silly thing to say. But if it's something more intimate that wasn't working, it can be possible to redefine the relationship into a friendship and carry on. The requirement is that the friendship still works and is valued.

(Also it really helps if the breakup is mutual, or at least mutually understood. So I guess as it wasn't mutual for you in your case, that would make it more difficult, if you could not move on from wanting more from her.)

I bet that you were never on the receiving end of the "we can still be friends" - you are talking as someone who always used it but never received it.

The person who uses it, has no love toward the other person.

The one who is receiving it, most likely still loving the other person.

Big difference, you won't understand till you experience the other side.

I'm going to have to agree with Mr. Face here. We're not saying that it's not possible in the situation he describes. Plenty of people manage it. However, if you find yourself wanting to say it, maybe you should wait. It can come off as glib, at best, and outright hurtful at worst. You can come across as negating the other person's strong feelings. They need to work through those feelings before you'll be able to be friends, and you need to give them time. Just dictating the status of the relationship going forward is not being sensitive to the other person's situation. Give them time. Give them space. Then maybe....

"We can still be friends," is almost certainly wrong. "We can be friends again someday," is more likely.

I agree with yellotamarin.

Although the majority of the time the phrase 'let's just be friends' and similar are just a polite way of letting the other person down gently when they do not want to actually be friends but just acquaintances or less, neutral, sometimes it might actually mean that, yes, the person IS actually still interested in you to actually want to be friends with you.

It's difficult to distinguish the two though, and if you are the person who wants to 'just be friends' with someone (and you actually do), it's hard to communicate this without it being mistaken as 'I am politely telling you to back-off'.

However, I think it would be best if the person you are rejecting had time to deal with it first, and then become your friend if you want to be their friend.

It probably will only make them feel hurt if you continue to be friends with them immediately after their rejection. It's best to give them time to get over you, and then be friends with them if they are interested enough to have a friendship.

I've had two rejections from a female now where we chose to be actul friends after it. Yes one of them we were just friends immediately after and I didn't have that time to 'let her go' and still had moderate feelings for her in the coming months and was disappointed she didn't give me a chance (because even if we agreed to be friends she hinted at the possibility of giving me a chance in the future and I was essentailly lead on). she had hurt me however the positives her friendship has brought have outweighed the negatives. I can't say the same for my ex.

Anyway, I enjoy being friends with them both now.

My closest friend is my ex, it was a mutual break-up so we both said let's be friends. And so we are.

I have had it said to me as well, two times that I can think of. The first, I don't hang out with him in person, but I don't hang out with many people in person anyway! We are still Facebook friends and communicate from time to time on there. We didn't have any sort of break from being friends, we just jumped straight into it, because we still got along. The second, we hung out in person a bit until she moved interstate, now we chat on Facebook. Definitely still friends.

Also I never spoke of whether I've used it myself. I spoke of IF I were to use it. Personally I wouldn't use that exact line because, as others have mentioned, it has become a "line" that sounds bad. I'd rephrase it to make sure it was understood that I really meant it.

I actually can't think of any time that I've had a relationship of mine break down and one person has said they can't be the other's friend anymore. All of my break-ups have been amicable.

I dunno yellow, I perceive you that you are too serial dater of FWBs (and always been so) to even understand the feelings of the ultra-monogamous people, you'll probably never relate to them.

I think people do mean it when they say it but they don't realize how hard it would be to stay friends after the break up or when someone isn't interested in you. I tried to stay friends with my first ex but I never wanted to see him as much because of gas and then I moved and things just faded online between us. I was willing to stay friends with my other ex but he ghosted on me so I moved on.

Huh? I'm monogamous in my relationships. Always have been. FWB is not something I seek out as a preferred lifestyle choice, and happens rarely. I seek long-term, committed relationships. Just cos I haven't had a relationship last longer than a few years doesn't mean I don't hope to have one that does.