My girlfriend addicted to videogames? Moved to her country

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I moved into my girlfriend's apartment October 8th in Sweden. I am from the US. A year ago until before moving in I worked Monday - Friday. I had Saturday and Sunday off. Saturday she was frequently busy, parents and errands. We usually talked Sunday. Around four months or so before moving in, she joined a specific guild or group in the game Elder Scrolls Online. She told me she couldn't talk any more past 8:00PM her time, or 11:00 AM my time. After the point she mentioned that she said she'd only be on video chat with me for about an hour before she had to play her game. She began to sound very uninterested in speaking with me, and excited for her game. She was talking to me less than an hour a week right before her game. That made me feel pretty bad, but I thought to my self everything would be better when I moved in with her, we would have plenty of time around her game group. A sign of addiction is when an activity that is not essential to health takes so much time it neglects a loved one. Its ok to play this game, but I think if she is looking for a group to join, she shouldn't join one that conflicts with the only time we can talk. She should join one that plays another time.

I've moved in and she is on the computer from when she gets home from work (2-3PM) until 9-10PM or so. She does stop to get food and shower. She also does amazing cross stitching while sitting at the computer. I've been here three actual weeks now and three days. Tonight I asked her something like "If you'd like to, in the next week or two you can pick a movie you'd like us to watch together, or I can choose one". She replied with something like "I am going to be playing ESO even more now" and she said something about how there is more group activity. She didn't even answer my question. I hate to be a nosy boyfriend, and I don't like reading about her online because what she says bothers me, but after three weeks I decided to look to see if I could get any insight on her or our relationship.

After more than two weeks of living together she said in a forum "when I'm back in reality I realize I only have friends in the game. On the other hand, I love the game because I have people I enjoy gaming with and joking with so when I play I feel less alone"
She has a boyfriend (me) living with her now, and she only has friends in the game? If she plays the game because she feels less alone, then why does she run to the game after I ask her if she wants to spend time together? She is going against her own statement. Its ok to have friends online, that's how we met, but when you don't accurately depict your self online, then these people are only friends to someone who doesn't exist if they don't know about your actual life, just a partially made up one.

*Four (4) days after I moved in she wrote in a forum online "I moved in with my SO (significant other) just 3 weeks ago and I'm stressed all the time." "I don't know how to react, is it okay for me to say that I'm not okay with us living together?"

Also when we were living apart, during New Years 2014 we watched the Swedish New Year Live 12AM her time, then the Seattle New Year Live 9AM her time. She said she was happy doing that with me. She said she'd talk to me on the weekend which was in a few days after that. She just was not online at all. I kept looking at the status symbol periodically through out the day. I read in a forum online she told people she was mad about New Years because her mom made her wake up early the next day, it wasn't her mom it was me but she didn't say she was mad to me. She told me during the weekday after that she wasn't online because her parents we stressing her out too much and she wanted time alone. Ok. But then I got automatic notification on Facebook that she actually went to a movie night with friends, and said how great it was the next day. Of course its ok to have real friends, but she blows me off with out mentioning it and then lies about it. Its ok if she just tells me whats shes up to rather than telling me she'll be on and then not.

Anyway if she is happier living her life actually alone and playing this video game then so be it. But if she wants to live this way, but also keep me on the side for a reason I don't know, then I'd also have to leave but I am afraid how that would effect her. In order for me to be happy, there would need to be a health balance between the game and us interacting and she'd also have to come to the truth with her self about reality when she talks to people online in order to make them her real friends involved with her real life, not just what she says it is. If she plays the game less and that makes her unhappy then its all a catch 22. Much of the real world causes great stress to her, she has been extremely suicidal before, and this game might be one of the few things keeping her together so I don't want to try to take it away if it will harm her. But if she plays it most of the time, it all doesn't make me feel so well.

She mentioned being stressed all the time the first three weeks but it was actually the first four days or so, during that time I came here and found my first health problems. The second night I couldn't sleep and had too much vodka, it may have lead to a stroke in my sleep, it may have disconnected the self preservation part of my brain temporarily for the next couple of days, and I was constantly having thoughts of suicide even though logically I knew I didn't want to die. This went away for good. I have not had, and will never have alcohol again, it is a dangerous and non helpful drug and truly scares me. Then I found out I had an enlarged prostate and a torn perineal muscle. I'm 26. She had to go to the hospital with me on her days off. Around the day she wrote the "moved in three weeks ago message" I was not able to #2 since a little a few days before coming to Sweden. The Alfuzosin almost killed me and I had to lay in her room on the floor. After the first week I am visibly back to normal and have work arounds for my health problems. If she wasn't able to go to the bathroom that wouldn't make me says she is stressing me out so much I'd rather be alone. That doesn't make me feel so well. Since then I have been subtle and avoiding of her as possible, giving her time alone and doing time lapse photography, and asking nicely every now and then if she'd like to spend time together. This is nothing like before. I've always liked her so much, but when she started blowing me off on Skype for her game group I began to feel down. Maybe she has another boyfriend online who she'd rather be with that is in the game and doesn't know how to tell me, I don't know.


We met online on an Aspergers dating site in 2012, and have communicated on Facebook and Skype. We first met in person in Sweden and Norway in 2013, then in the US in 2014 both times were for two weeks each and were an absolutely great experience, we spent quality time together when we wanted to, and had our own time on the computer as-well. There was also a point where we both put our computers in the same room, and that was like combining the previous sentence.

I tried to quite smoking yesterday and then realized all of this, I can't now with this mindset. She does have a sort of psychologist she sees on Wednesdays, perhaps we should go together and discuss this. I will also post this in a forum related to the game to see what the insiders have to say. I will also send this to her to see what she says and to give her a chance to explain. I can be here in Sweden three months while awaiting a residence permit. If I don't receive permit confirmation during this time, and if she doesn't realize what is happening with her game and our relationship, then I might not come back if I am granted residency later. I really want things to work though if she still is interested in me, and if we can make each other happy like before.

I'm an expat that moved for love as well with a gamer. Heading to bed but will definitely reply tomorrow when there is more time. Until then, keep your chin up

Just based on what you've said in your post, I can only be honest and say that, to me, personally, just my own take on this, she has a serious addiction to gaming and this relationship may not survive that, unless she herself even sees the seriousness of the situation and wants to change. But if she doesn't, it may be you who has to bail on this relationship and move on.

That's only my personal take, on two people and a situation that I don't know anything about other than what you've said. And you don't have to take that advice or change anything just because a stranger on the internet says you're doomed! : ) But I do think this is doomed.

An addiction is anything that interferes with the rest of life, including the reasonable expectations within a relationship. If the person puts the activity ahead of other things in life, prioritizing it as more important, that's an addiction.

If she is happier living that way, there is clearly no room in her life for you or a relationship. You are understandably unhappy, don't get enough time with her, and can't even get to sit around and watch a movie with her because she is placing her gaming as more of a priority than time with you.

A partner to this woman would need to either completely accept that she wants to spend the most part of her time gaming, and just live with that, or find someone else with a lifestyle that has room for them to be added to it. If she is so obsessed that she doesn't see her gaming as an addiction or that it's ruining "normal" life, then you might have to just leave her to it.

You've made a huge upheaval in your life, for someone who won't work with you on emerging issues in the relationship. The one thing a healthy relationship requires is the ability -- on both parts -- to work on things that seem to be problematic for one of you. Compromise, shared respect and the ability to talk about things and listen to reason is key to making any relationship work. She is addicted to this thing she prefers to spend her time on, and if you can live with that, then maybe this isn't necessarily a problem. But if you can't -- which you can't because it is causing you unhappiness or you wouldn't be posting -- then it's a problem.

And if she won't accept that and talk with you or be willing to address the issue as an issue, then there's no fixing this, and you might be better off reversing the life-changing decision you've made in moving over to be with her. I too have moved countries for love and it's no small thing; it's a BIG deal at every level and you have to make sure it's worthwhile, or there is a world of hurt there.

I know it's hard to consider ending things with someone you feel you have grown to love and whom you see as your chosen partner. But if she can't work on this with you and would rather be gaming than considering that the excessive gaming is causing a rift, this isn't going to end well anyway.

Sorry to be blunt -- and to state again, you don't have to take what I say as the deadly reality; it's only what I see the situation being, based on what you've told us.

First off, sorry that you are having to go through this mess. It's stressful enough going to a new country to be with someone but having illness on top of that and now she is pushing you away. I find a few things a bit off - why she is telling people she moved in with you instead of the fact you moved in with her. When people are not being truthful you have to wonder just what they are trying to hide or gain from the untruth. If she in fact moved in with you-she'd be living in America - she'd be away from her game for some time with the plane trip, move, etc. So I'm guessing her guildmates assume you are Swedish since she supposively moved in with you so easily. Why she mentioned the mom bugging her on New Years instead of you is a bit boggling. Is she afraid to say she has a boyfriend to some people?

Does she flirt with others online or in her game that you know about? Could it be that RL relationships are too hard for her to handle? What I mean is, like with my husband - he is shy but used to flirt with people in game/skype, etc. He is very confident talking to people when using these methods. But his history of relationships is very poor. As soon as there was any friction he would try to move on to the next person. Before he met me he never had an argument with anyone he dated, he simply gave up and started flirting with others. I think flirting online was safe for him, he got attention and there was no stress of commitment or having to get out of his chair/sweatpants or brush his hair type of effort. We've had a rocky few years but things are great now. My husband also had a mild computer addiction but has cured itself by him working a lot.

I'm not great on advice but she shouldn't feel the need to hide in game when you are there. Maybe she feels she has friends there and not in the real world because online friends are easier to make/keep and little maintenance especially with AS. If you can bring this up in her counselling session and you can attend by all means do it. It is a time set aside where she is away from the computer and can concentrate on what you're saying instead of counting down the minutes until she needs to be online.

How are you feeling? Keep us updated.

RE:

You are an expat as well, what country did you go to?
Sorry had to rewrite this, I pushed submit, the captcha came up, and then after that the message was gone.
Ilovesnails: "why she is telling people she moved in with you instead of the fact you moved in with her"
Her: ""I moved in with my SO"
I'm not certain, it could just be a quick writing mistake. Maybe she meant something like "I've had my SO move in?"

Ilovesnails: Why she mentioned the mom bugging her on New Years instead of you is a bit boggling. If she didn't want to tell me I bothered her, I could understand (all though she shouldn't blame someone else), but it was directed at the forum not me so I am not sure. Didn't want to say BF online? I don't know.

Ilovesnails: " Is she afraid to say she has a boyfriend to some people?"

I know she definitely does to people in person. "min pojkvän"
I know about only a part of the game's forum, not in the game it self. In game is not my bussiness and with the forum I've already crossed a line, its just her time in the game and contradictions gets to me.

Ilovesnails: Does she flirt with others online or in her game that you know about? Could it be that RL relationships are too hard for her to handle?
I've seen her say something like "PM me and we could start a beautiful relationship" to someone online. But its probably just a between women friendship type thing too, not flirting? I also feel she should have a say in this. Today she took the day off from work because something was stressing her out, she didn't tell me what. She did give me a hug this morning, which is rare but it was nice. She stayed in her room all day except food and things like that. I'll send her this topic on the weekend because I don't want to cripple her on a work day. I don't mean much, I want her to do what she likes, but also we are in a relationship so spending a little time together would be nice too, thats all I want. And I wish she wouldn't have avoided me all those Sundays on Skype for her group, I wish she could have picked one that played not on the only time we could talk. But she is integrated with them now, so we just have to find sort of schedule, or give her time to pick a day her self. Its just I've been rereading alot of things involving suicide on her part from before, and I feel scared to tell her to involve me, when what she is playing now is her sort of life-line.

Ilovesnails: But his history of relationships is very poor
She lived with someone once before for about a week but then moved out.

Ilovesnails: We've had a rocky few years but things are great now.
I hope in a few years we can say the same thing too. Its good to see others pull through

Ilovesnails: Maybe she feels she has friends there and not in the real world because online friends are easier to make/keep and little maintenance especially with AS

Text based communication that is not in real time helps alot of people with AS. It takes away many of the physical factors that cause anxiety, while giving time to how...Ithinkto sayabourtye457hdh rhe |think| |about| |how| |to| |say| |something| in a calm setting with time. It also gives time for research before a statement is made. I don't mean me, but I know sometimes its hard for her to see someone on a regular basis, fellow employee, etc because if she thinks she was unsuccessful with them at a point in time, she has to relive the pain of it when she sees them again and have to work from that point. You can choose to not open a web page, but when a person walks up to her she knows, there is no red X button.
Talking about your real life but online is ok, its what we are doing now. But if you go online and tell everyone you're lonely but don't mention you have someone you're going to receive information that doesn't fit your situation and that helps less. Or maybe she means I am making her lonely somehow? I don't know.

Ilovesnails: If you can bring this up in her counselling session and you can attend by all means do it. It is a time set aside where she is away from the computer and can concentrate on what you're saying instead of counting down the minutes until she needs to be online.

How are you feeling? Keep us updated.

Should I mention this to her first on the weekend so she has time to think about it before the counselor on next Wednesday (she didn't go today, she usually does Wednesdays), she says she needs time to plan first and needs warning, but at the same time I don't want her to be in pain before then, or make the wrong decision before.
Edit: Hmm, I am thinking I could print this out, and ask to be alone with her counselor first so I can get his/her advice because this game is also her sort of life-line and I don't want to jeopardize anything for her.

I haven't written in a forum like this in a long time. It gets to me alot part of the day just being by my self and hearing her WASDing about but not talk to me, but I feel better when I write and see other people's ideas about this. Its ironic it can make me feel partly better to do now, what she does just not as long and for a different reason. I also need to work on the things I need to do, and find some community service or volunteer jobs as I don't have my permit yet.

Last edited by unreal3x on 04 Nov 2015, 3:16 pm, edited 2 times in total.

RE: The_Face_of_Boo and your cartoon picture.

I said in my message " Tonight I asked her something like "If you'd like to, in the next week or two you can pick a movie you'd like us to watch together, or I can choose one". She replied with something like "I am going to be playing ESO even more now" and she said something about how there is more group activity. "

That part is nothing like your picture.

Also someone else has a somewhat comparable story

He said "Every time I talk to her about this she concentrates on the sex aspect to the extent that I went to the doctors to see if I was wrong and was told it was perfectly natural and there could be something wrong with my girlfriend instead"
He also said cuddle before bed, and I think we should only have that happen maybe once a week or two. I don't want to grasp her all the time so she feels like she can't escape. I like to work on creative projects on the computer, I understand its exhausting to be around someone too long, but also its bothersome to live with someone and not be able to spend any time together.

However, when I first met her I saw she did play some games which were relateable at the time and that was a great feeling, I had no idea it would be like this though when I moved in. We also each have our own good gaming PC. But I don't know if we'll ever play the same game together. She of course can still play ESO, but I think it might be healthy also to maybe try some variety in games.

I think there are two big things here...

Gaming addiction can be a complex problem and I don't blame you for being upset.

I agree the problem with gaming comes when it starts to dominate your life and push away your loved ones, regardless of time played. I have a few hours most nights where I play with an online guild, too, and we have two couples with young children who play together. They find ways to spend time with each other and spend time with their children during the day while still playing nights. We all let each other know ahead of time via group software called Slack who's available what nights, when, and if we're going to be late.

There are quite a few guilds and pickup groups in popular games, so it's quite possible to find one that fits your schedule and plan for the best times to play. A team is easily replaced but a relationship is not.

However, a lot of people who play games excessively have either problems in their real-life or problems with addictive personality traits. Loneliness can seem simple but even a relationship may not make it go away if it runs deep. Using games as an escape isn't bad in itself any more than reading is if it's relaxing, fun, or something to look forward to, but it's easy to start slipping and neglecting what you do have out of fear of facing the rest of life. MMOs in particular can be very soothing because they're fairly predictable, progress is clear, and you can get lost in mindless, repetitive activities. Some people like having an online avatar between themselves and others.

To be honest, I'd rather spend time with my guild than do anything else but I still have to study for my A+ exam, exercise, and do other things in a less than ideal life. Or that's all there ever will be, no matter what I accomplish in a game. In order to make a better reality, people have to put time and energy into it the same way they put time and energy into their guild and online friendships, or it will stay as it is. This is hard for some people to face because the consequences for losing in real-life seem so much bigger and more permanent, and their support networks may be much smaller offline even if there's always someone to help them do game activities.

Not talking is also going to hurt a relationship. Something upsets her, and she tells the Internet instead of you. You read this, and you tell us instead of her. Many couples have communication problems at one point or another, but one of you is going to have to break the cycle of not talking. You're in the right to share your thoughts with her and give this a chance to start resolving one way or another, and I hope she manages to get things rolling in her offline life, too. To me it sounds like depression is something she's struggling with, and depression can twist the way people see themselves, others, and their relationships.

It's hard, but like anything faced in a video game it's not unconquerable with patience and a good plan.

Gaming is what she did before you moved in, and she's not going to radically change her life now that you're there.

You might as well find something to do with your time. If you are an EU citizen you should probably find some type of job, also go somewhere you can learn Swedish.

I think you should try to avoid bringing up the subject of how much attention she gives you. If after a year you are miserable, then move out.

Here's my take on it:

I'm a female gamer and I actually don't want a relationship with a guy who would expect me to stop playing video games. I own over 150 games and have two pre-orders (Black Ops 3 and Sword Art Online: Lost Song.)

I'd rather be alone and have my hobby than have a boyfriend.

And like MaxE said, if she was playing video games before you moved in, I seriously doubt she's going to change her lifestyle.

I found a physical paper note in the apartment, at the top it mentioned something about living another day and how she hasn't committed suicide, then toward the bottom it mentioned she is so glad I haven't broken up with her. Its a sensitive issue. She has a suicidal past as well.

I said above "I wish she could have picked one that played not on the only time we could talk. But she is integrated with them now, so we just have to find sort of schedule, or give her time to pick a day her self. Its just I've been rereading alot of things involving suicide on her part from before (online), and I feel scared to tell her to involve me, when what she is playing now is her sort of life-line. "

There is also what I said to her "If you'd like to, in the next week or two you can pick a movie you'd like us to watch together, or I can choose one". She replied with something like "I am going to be playing ESO even more now" and she said something about how there is more group activity. "

So I am not demanding when it comes to interaction, also we usually communicate on Facebook or with physical sticky notes.

She is also sometimes back and forth. Yesterday she took the day off, said it was because of stress, then while I was on this forum, I missed her Facebook message, she has never asked me this before while living here "8:41 PM I'm going to get out of this dungeon, do you perhaps want to watch a movie later? I need something else to focus on I'm not feeling so good.
9:38 PM Never mind this might take too long" It involved my subject above, how ironic.

I am not asking her to stop completely, I also play games too, just not in the past year or so. We both have gaming computers. It wasn't always like this before I moved in, she has played ESO for over a year and a half, before that it was Skyrim, before that it was an occasional mix of games including FPS's and thats when I met her. She has demonstrated she wants a boyfriend, and this isn't how you treat a relationship. She also said in the first week shes not ok with us living together but she said on paper shes glad we've not broken up, that first week I discovered major health problems, I couldn't go to the bathroom and she had to take me to the hospital because the doctors were not Swedish and had problems with both Swedish and English. Easy to pick on the guy, but think about it the other way around, you wouldn't be happy if the guy reacted that way, I've also never had these problems before and found a way thats good enough for now to deal with them. Back to the game, Its not just a game, its a medium for a social hang out. Its easy to pick on the guy, so think about it the other way around, there is a husband and wife, they both have one day off together, the husband then goes and plays poker with his buddies the only time his wife could spend time with him. He should have picked another day or another poker group. Now we have more time that we are living together, and we've had two hikes, and two movies earlier on but even then she ran to the computer right after them anyway and all the other time has been on the computer. This is not just an issue with me, it is also with her self, think about her whole life span into the future, if a boyfriend that she wants could upset this fragile balance by sometimes doing things together like a movie (when she does say she wants to her self after avoiding it for weeks), then what else could besides a boyfriend?

"A place that has mountains, snow and maple syurp" There wasn't snow or maple syrup, but maybe this can help you understand:

Last edited by unreal3x on 05 Nov 2015, 1:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

Just have her laying down on the floor playing video games while f*****g her from the back. Problem solved.


God I wish I had a girlfriend...

^^^ RE: darkphantomx1 ^^^
Please don't comment if you are going to be so dark and unhelpful.

Reasons why I refuse to get involved with anybody that plays video games any more than casually now.

You're girlfriend is being incredibly selfish. You uprooted you life to, I assume, be with her. Doesn't want to live together? Uh, I think that is something she should have discussed with you prior. You don't have a family there, you don't have friends, and no job. Honestly, in any other situation I would say "Move back out and end it since she's obviously too self-absorbed to meet your needs in a relationship." I've no idea how easy it would be for you to simply end it given the situation.

You're clearly suffering and you shouldn't sacrifice your own well-being for somebody else. Sit down and have a long conversation about your relationship and day-to-day lives both together and apart. Honestly, if she's not even willing to put aside her game to do that in a timely manner it should say a lot.

Some people here saying you shouldn't expect her to give up gaming. Hello? Wasting your entire life away on the internet A. Isn't healthy at all and B. Isn't fair to a SO if you expect them to continue to be in a relationship with you. Giving it up even a bit isn't exactly an unfair request.

I gave up a receiving management job at a large retailer, I also had just enough money saved up for the Class A CDL driving school. I have seen her demonstrate she does want me as a boyfriend, but sometimes perhaps more so ideally having me in a nearby apartment instead. I do have distant relatives in Stockholm about 650 km south, I've seen them about four times in the US. My friends consist of her family and their friends, and they really are good people. Getting a job will be difficult with the language barrier, also I am still awaiting the TAX ID number. I will discuss this with her and her counselor, the suicide and dependency on the game will make this sensitive. I would like to try to piece this back together, look at the picture of us above.

"Some people here saying you shouldn't expect her to give up gaming." I am not expecting her to give it all up, but just find some time for activities that involve both of us, and maybe realize the part about joining a game group the only day we could talk on Skype before. Alot of people here are very helpful, some of the gamers are missing the point though. They say should just only play the game and give up the BF who she has said she wants before that does outside activities? Thats not so healthy, and besides a BF, what else could trigger this in her future? See it is something that should be dealt with. Its a catch 22 here, some of the people's responses make me feel better as do when I respond, but some of the somewhat comparable gamers to her, cause me sleeping problems that I haven't had this whole time here until now. But I would like to hear from an ESO or other MMO player who does have a balanced life, that could be a helpful gamer in this situation, could also help me understand the game more too. I am also a gamer, but have not been into a game in over a year, and I've always known when to put down the controller, or mouse, well actually the mouse is always down anyway, it rests on the desk.

Ok time to get off the computer for a while and cook some ägg and bacon.

I posted here yesterday but shortly after removed my post, because I didn't feel comfortable having my opinions here. I tend to avoid conflict, and I know that my opinion is a "controversial" one, I guess you could say, because my viewpoint is the viewpoint of a gamer. However, because you said that you're having trouble sleeping from some of the opinions here I'll post my opinion again and forgo the bit of discomfort I'll get for having my opinion here, because it may help you (but may not, I don't know).

I relate to a lot of her experiences based on your original post, including the suicidal thoughts and MMO gaming (my game of choice is WoW, not ESO however). I suppose the first thing to explain would be how gaming is important in my life. When I play WoW, it's something I'm familiar with, and something I'm comfortable with. It's something which I'm not stressed doing, whereas real life stresses me out constantly. I usually go through periods of playing for 6-12 months, and then stopping for 3-6 months, and repeating the process. As you can imagine, when I first get back into it I play "a lot", and it slowly reduces until I get worn out by it, and then I stop playing for the next 3-6 months. This is a very common pattern for a lot of gamers. I would assume that she's currently just got back into her game, and is going through one of the "play a lot" phases.

Now, that's not the only reason I play, another reason is because people may be relying on me to play, and you would be surprised how much this plays a part. To explain this to you properly, I'll need to explain the concept of raiding. Raiding is when a group of people (usually 10-40 people, depending on the game), group of to slowly progress through a dungeon, or "set of fights". It resets every week and you start from the beginning, and your goal is to slowly inch your way towards the end, week by week. Even after finishing or "clearing" a raid, most teams will continue to raid for gear, which drops after you finish a fight, and because it's a fun, social event.

Most guilds or "raid teams" have a set schedule for raiding. The most common days are Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday, and to a lesser degree Monday. It's so common to the point that it's very difficult to find a team that doesn't raid those days, and almost impossible to find a competitive guild that doesn't raid on those days. The reason she "chose a team that raids on Sundays" as you said, is because it may very well have been impossible to find one that doesn't, due to Sunday being one of the most common raiding days. I wouldn't take this to heart, she didn't purposely pick Sunday to sabotage your Skype chats, but I think she should have talked to you about it to get your input either way.

Now to explain a bit further, raiding becomes like a social event with friends- you meet up, have fun, drink sometimes, all while doing something you all enjoy. The reason I mentioned people relying on me keeps me playing, is because if I don't show up, all other 10-40 people might be unable to play and it would ruin their night. That's why a lot of MMO players choose raids over real life events, because it inconveniences so many other people and sets back the entire guild or team. I don't think this is something many people will understand unless they've played MMO's in the past.

So what do I suggest? Well firstly, I DEFINITELY do not recommend that you ask her to stop playing (which you said you don't want to, so that's fine), because that will only end badly for both of you. I recommend that you ask her what her raiding times are, tell her you respect her need for privacy in those times, and tell her that you'd like it if you could spend time together outside of her raiding times, that way she doesn't have to feel guilty about letting her team down. That gives you something to build on, as you can slowly suggest doing more and more things. You need to be careful not to say "I want you to play less" or "I want you to stop playing", and instead suggest other things that you can do together.

All in all, it's a hard situation for you, and I respect that you're trying your hardest to work around it. I hope that you can find a solution that works for both of you. She 'does' need to spend more time with you, that's an inarguable fact, I just hope she's able to see the importance of doing that. I feel bad for you in your situation, it can't be easy.

I hope I've explained it from her situation a little better, and I hope you find some of what I've said useful.

Best of luck, keep us updated.

Last edited by Fraljmir on 05 Nov 2015, 11:14 am, edited 2 times in total.