Your partner: outgoing or introvert?

Post Reply New Topic

Sorry that I just came to this forum a couple of weeks ago and I haven't stopped asking things. But it's just great to have the point of view or people who feels like me about some things, for once.

The question is something very important for me at the moment: When you have a partner, do you think it is better that he / she is an outgoing, sociable person or that is more of an introvert? Someone right like you to understand you, or someone a bit opposite to help you?


An outgoing partner would guide you through social situations, would compensate your tendency to stay at home and make you go out a little more, while feeling safe under his/her "protection". He/She is probably also a happy and relaxed person, and it could make people like me be less "dramatic", it could make me learn to avoid obsessive thoughts, for example.

On the other hand, an introvert person or somebody in the spectrum would understand you much better. The outgoing person I described would understand you too, of course, or the relationship wouldn't be possible. But a person just like you would fit perfectly. But what if you both decide you won't have any more contact with the "outside world", or you both have a tendency to depression and end up potentiating each other's negative/obsessive thoughts?


Thank you for your thoughts and experiences .

My wife is outgoing. She likes to talk to people. She likes to shop. She likes to be around people. She prefers driving on the boulevard, rather than the highway. She likes to try to get me to listen to her views as to the "proper subjects" to talk about. No introversion in her at all!

Thank you Kraftie, then the question is: do you feel that it has been a positive thing for you? or even not that relevant when you both are at home?

Her extraversion irritates me, frankly.

I don't think it helps--because I do okay socially, even though I'm not the party type.

Yes, I can totally understand. Well good to know. Let's see what other people think.

I think that's a False dichotomy.

I am an Ambivert on the exact middle of the two extremes, the vast majority of my friends are, and I'm interested in another Ambiverted/moderately outgoing person.

When it comes to introverts, I do get along with them quite well, but I dislike the fact they are homebodies.

Whenever I spend time with introverted friends, they just want to sit around the house the entire time I'm there while I'm bored stiff. I am the one who has to make the effort to plan and undertake outings, and it's exhausting that all the responsibility is placed onto me. It's either I sit around the house with them, they are happy with this and I am not, or go through the exhausting effort of organizing outings just so I can have fun with them.

Also, most of my introverted friends rely on me to get them out of their comfort zones and help them be more outgoing and social, because they can't seem to help themselves.

Introverted friends are great to talk to, very understanding and insightful, at the cost of being dependent on me to be the source of their outgoing, adventurous fun.

They know I'm more outgoing and social, and that's what my role is to them in a friendship - the outgoing, 'fun' friend who can possibly introduce them to new people, etc.

But I don't enjoy it.

I like ambiverted friends - they are more low maintainence and don't require as much work, because they are just as interested in getting out of the house as I am.

I can barely be friends with introverts, I don't honestly think I could date one, unless she's willing enough to get out of her comfort zone so that she doesn't rely on my extra help to do it for her.

Extroverts are also relatively low-maintainance, except they want to hang out and speak more often and it's a little exhausting, but they're more understanding and know I'm not an extravert like them but an ambivert.

My spouse is an introvert, perhaps far more than myself (which kinda shocked me when I realized it). But, we are introverts in a range of different ways that tend to complement each other. To me that's a pretty good balance. I don't mind grocery shopping (at the right time of day), they like staying home and playing video games. They are able to go to PTA meetings that would drive my sensory issues up the wall and lead me right into a meltdown. I can work in an office while they prefer to homeschool one of our children and do all the coordination, paperwork & such online with our district teacher-advisor.

But in the end we're both introverts. It's how we met, how we fell in love and quite frankly I don't think I could be married to someone who was a crowd lover unless we found a way to segment huge parts of our life apart. Maybe that works for some?

My spouse is an introvert, but he's still much more social than I am. He is happiest with a small circle of similarly minded people. I'm happy playing hermit most of the time.

My wife is definitely an extrovert. However, she understands that I need alone time and will let me take it. I think in some ways her extroversion is good for me in that it forces me to do more social situations that I normally would. If nothing else, that gets me out of the house and helps be built my social skills some. She is not the one to go to a bunch of parties or things like that, but she is definitely more talkative to others, and enjoys doing social things. If it wasn't for her, I would probably sit at home a lot more, which might not be so good either.

I tried the extrovert route, and it's not as helpful as I thought it would be. In my case, the fact that they didn't understand introversion or social awkwardness, often made things worse because they would refuse to believe it wasn't as simple for me as it was for them. Granted, there are probably many extroverts who would be more empathetic (and social awkwardness and extroversion can co-exist). Even still, I think another introvert would probably suite me better.

I have more relationship success with introverts. It's now a requirement of mine that my partner be an introvert. One reason is because extroverts drain me...I find I have to be "switched on" around them, they want me to socialise more than I want to, that sort of thing. But also I have a bit of an inferiority complex and I tend to get a bit intimidated by extroverts so I don't really want to feel intimidated in a romantic relationship. It's not a reason I'm proud of, but it exists.

I don't socialise much, and I'm not looking for someone to change that, because I like it at the level it is at. So I would want to be with someone who is similar in that regard, rather than someone who is going to bring more people-orientated activity into my life. I think that correlates pretty highly with introversion/extroversion.

My partner is an introvert but at the same time very popular with everyone.
He has a constant stream of visitors.
Even my own family will bypass me and speak to him instead.

From what I can tell, ex-girlfriend was an ambivert, like me.

She would hang out and have fun with friends and talked about being outgoing and social, but also valued her alone time to work on her 'projects' regarding art/hobbies.

And, yep, it complemented me well.

There was near-mutual agreement between time alone and time spent together, except at the very end she spent a month away from me before breaking up with me.

Neither of us felt the other was being too clingy towards the other, we had a mix going out and having great fun, or staying at home and just chilling.

There was no forced effort from either of us to get the other person to spend time with us or to get out of the house to do something fun.

Very equal discussion about what to do, where, what time, etc. and equal compromise.

God how I miss her. It's hard enough meeting other Ambiverts, but to meet one that doesn't lean on one side or the other and has that perfect balance? Damnit.

The fact that most people only consider the existence of introverts and extraverts and no middle ground is a sign to me just how rare Ambiversion must be.

I think of it like a spectrum. So one can be highly extroverted, slightly extroverted, not one way or the other, slightly introverted, highly introverted, and all the points in between all of those. So I'd probably think of ambiverts as rare because that's only a small snippet of the spectrum. But this is assuming an even spread, and I wouldn't actually assume that, so there could be a disproportionately large number of ambiverts out there. I don't really get to know enough people well enough to know.

^ All human variations are within a spectrum: viewtopic.php?t=308570

Oh good, this is a good bunch of very interesting stories, thank you.

Some little things:

An introvert is not necesarely someone who stays at home. For example, I as an introvert love nature activities such as hiking, camping, swimming in the ocean... or going to concerts, even play music in groups. IT's not that an introvert must be a "boring" person.

On the other hand, I do talk a lot to people when I'm out, and people don' figure out how introvert am I in the end. Because I don't seek social contact unless it "contacts with my inner self". I'm introvert cause my inside world is more important than the outside. Not because I'm shy or socially awkward, or because I only like sitting on the couch.
This is for me the definition. Maybe for Outrider I happen to be a little "ambivert".

Anyway, you gave me some pros- and cons of starting something with the most extrovert person I've ever found interesting. Never thought I would care about someone like that, but he happens to be also very sensitive and emotional, what was a weird combination to me. Let's see. Of course my partner has to understand and respect my nature, which is not going to change, that's for sure!