'I worried that they wouldn't find me attractive'

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'I worried that he wouldn't find me attractive': the challenges of dating with a disability

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/re ... ility.html

I am so over it now. Let me live life now. Great article to shut me up. People with worst disabilities than most of us still get married.

Yep....that ain't no lie!

Think of Stephen Hawking--a man who can barely move at all. He has to "speak" by pointing at certain keys with a pencil-type thing in his mouth. He actually LEFT a woman to be with another woman.

Autism isn't worse or better than other disabilities. You don't get bonus points in the imaginary dating stakes for not having, say, MS.

Thus not all disabilities have inspiration. Please focus on our personalities thank you! This is the perspective from the able bodied world. They kept bagging on 'inspiring' disabled people.

I would feel disappointed if a girl approach me and date me because of feeling sorry about my disabilities. The relationship would be volatile and destructive because of ill formed communication methods.

I'm with Mat Fraser on the vileness of "inspiration porn", as he calls it:
http://www.avclub.com/article/american- ... r-i-211688

None of the examples there is male. :p

They (the ladies) are all very good-looking, which it helps in dating- greatly, while their disability could be a major negative point for many they don't have the types of disability that directly affects looks (Autism is the same).

'Ugliness', obesity and/or absence of sexual appeal affect dating chances way worse, many here might not like what I am saying but it's a true taboo.

Men with physical disabilities who are in relationships with attractive, non-disabled women include:

- Mat Fraser (actor with thalidomide exposure) mentioned above, married to a sexy burlesque dancer

- Stephen Hawking, also mentioned above, physicist with ALS

- Thomas Quasthoff, acclaimed bass-baritone who is 4'4" + thalidomide-exposed.

http://mobile.nytimes.com/2010/05/07/ar ... homas.html

- Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones heartthrob with dwarfism. Married while still a broke, barely employed actor, didn't hit the big time until years later.

- Stevie Wonder, singer-songwriter, blind

- Itzak Perlman, acclaimed violinist, wheelchair-bound since age 4 from polio

Most Americans are overweight/obese and 85% are or were married. 15% of Americans have a disability. 15% are poor enough for SNAP at any given time. Lots of perfectly ordinary guys, fat guys, broke guys and with disabilities find love too. All. The. Damn. Time.

So we have to become a rich celebrity

No, that's not it!! !! !

The point is: forget that you are "disabled." Just be a person. Speak to ladies like a person. And you will go further.

Forget all the friggin statistics.

If 85% of Americans are obese then obesity is the norm there, this isn't the same for countries where obesity is not.

Also, the fact that most obese/poor/short/ugly/disabled people eventually find someone does not mean that these traits didn't harm their chances before and made it harder.

Like those ladies in the article, they all found someone but after a long struggle, none of them is very young either; they might have also whined and vented on forums before while someone like katy patronized them with lectures.

and yo Americans, stop stuffing burgers.

ps. celebs live in a seperate world, it is not related to us at all.

NO!! Most of those men landed lovely wives well before they were famous, who stayed with them for YEARS before they got rich, with zip in the way of prospects for getting rich. A dwarf actor as dreamy leading man, a dwarf with flipper-like limbs as opera star, wheelchair-bound maestro, a physicist with ALS... these are not things that happen often nor does any sane woman marry a man with those disabilities expecting he will become rich/famous. Seriously, besides Hawking and Feynmann, has there been a famous physicist since Einstein?

Sly, I think you are just naturally an Eeyore. Regardless of what's going on in your life, your glass is always half empty and you feel you've got the fuzzy end of the lollipop.

Somehow my post to this didn't make it. Too bad, because it was a long one also. I will greatly shorten it. I am a male Aspie who married a NT women. She is attractive, at least KraftieKortie said so !

Yes, I missed out on plenty of chances in the past, and it was more difficult for me to find dates and relationships than most people, but it did happen. 3 of the guys in my wedding party are all NTs and have to disabilities that I know of, and all three got married later than I did-one at age 34, one at age 42, and one at age 43. I was 32 when I got married. Two of those three didn't have great dating lives either, at least in terms of quantity. So not having a disability doesn't make things easier.

My advice would be if you have AS, do all you can to learn social skills. That is probably what holds most of us back. I know it did me. I learned just enough to get into a relationship when I was 29 with my first serious girlfriend, and then with my wife when I was 31. I only recently learned how "off" my social skills were. So here I am, at age 48, learning things that most people knew when they were age 15 or so. Better late than never, I guess.

Last edited by ProfessorJohn on 17 Nov 2015, 12:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Sly's American and won't consider dating 2/3 of the US laydeez, the obese and overweight ones. Hard to believe girls aren't throwing themselves at him for not being fat .

The now-famous men struggled but found love BEFORE they were famous and rich, landing women who didn't want them for money/fame they didn't have a reasonable prospect of either. There's hope for all!

This girl who is keen to build friendship and that on me since that she likes me doing auslan. She already studying auslan before she met me. I met her through a meetup group, the social anxiety group back in July or August I think. After three times of seeing each others, we didn't know that we do auslan until she asked me do I sign language? As she noticed my hearing aids, thus assuming me I do. Then she got into surprise, I was as well since she told me she learning to be a interpreter.

Since then we grew a bit, I didn't know what is going on despite my blindness in body language and that. She told me she have ptsd to make me aware of her behaviour if she may not be comfortable. Then I understood. Thus why telling me she doesn't want to hang out like alone with a guy. She lost trust with guys from her traumatic past with them. She didn't give me her number, thus use Facebook messaging. Still a same today. But what has changed, we meet up outside of the meetup groups now. She took me to auslan club last week and she wanted me to sign with her that she inspired. Then we did, with other interpreters and some deaf people.

We had out frustrations in conversations before, that probably is my fault because I don't understand conversation appropriateness. After several psychologist appointments I learned a lot of aspects on communication strategies. I am now knowing much about it. Hence I de friended quite a few people who isn't communicating with me assertively. These appointments made me to learn who is a right person to hang out with, the ones who are able to communicate with me. She is the right person, common interest with auslan that might have hit off. Another thing that might hit off is that we love storms and tropical heat as we had a brief chat last night. We planned to meet, alone!

It looks like her trust levels gone up. That she wanted to. She told me she have psychologist too, that what made of a person who she is. Very mature, committed and understanding. Since her traumatic experiences, that she suffered anxiety and depression. Her goals were developed from help and support. She started studying auslan this year for first time to overcome these issues. Works at a special school, that what we call disabilities in Australia. It something so helpful when you speak to someone that you have problems or not, it makes you mature a lot. I feel a same in myself too because I am finishing my Masters coursework tomorrow, going to two different countries and two different states in next 6 months!

So yea, I dismissed my talks of my disabilities, that I have blamed on a lot, venting wise with her. Then she started talking to me more and more. Not like all the time, she works, I have other commitments to do and stuff. Then she suddenly asks me to hang out with her alone at the library helping her auslan skills. My counselor on other day that I told her about this, that is an area where you developing attraction with someone.

Now what I realised that, understanding communication strategies alongside with common interests, values, morals, commitments and assertive attitudes is a biggest play in developing a relationship with someone.

So to those people above of people with disabilities got married is because they gone through a same thing that I am experiencing right now. They valued themselves, show they are capable to people without negatively venting on their own limitations.

Great article.

Sure is! I thought it great to share for those negative venters on this website.