Power struggles/double standards

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My girlfriend often wears my black hoodie. It bothers me, but I let it go. She is trying to be cute so I choose not to take it personally, and I trust her not to ruin it. On the other hand, I took that to mean I can also wear her pajama pants today since I did not have any to wear today. I thought she might also find it funny, but she didn't; when she saw that I was wearing them, she asked me why and said she was not happy about it. Fastforward about 2 hours.

I was downstairs jamming in the bassment (haha basssssssss) because I was also washing the laundry for us. She came down wearing a towel because she had nothing to wear and she complained because the laundry wasn't finished and I was wearing her pajama pants. I think she meant to say "Can you take off my pajama pants so I can wear them?" So I asked why she didn't just ask me that instead. She made a face, so I played this on my bass: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMpXAknykeg

She got very angry, said some mean things, and stomped up the stairs and slammed the door. I got very mad because I didn't understand why she acted like that. I was just trying to be funny/cute and lighten the mood. I came upstairs and slammed the door a couple times to get her attention and then I gave her the stupid pants. She started telling me what to do, like not to slam the door, etc. It is frustrating because she slammed the door and I think it's hypocritical for her to say that. Like she can do it but I can't.

I keep feeling like she is initiating power struggles with me, but then she keeps saying that we should be equal. Very frustrating because she says one thing and acts like something else.

It seems that you crossed a line socially..

If a woman wears her boyfriends clothing, it is seen as cute and common. Many women do this in a relationship and it is normal.

If a man wears his girlfriends clothing, it is seen as odd.

Sometimes there is a time and a place for humour, sometimes there isn't. This wasn't the time or place...

The War of Pants is imminent.

That's just the weird stuff that comes with relationships. Everybody has something that pisses your partner off and some have more than others. Stereotypically things like guys leaving the toilet seat up (though I've only heard that in books and movies, not so much in real life). What you don't want is for them to get to a point where they want to leave you, and in that instance the couple in question was bound to fail anyway due to incompatibility. When both of you aren't mad, take the time to explain yourself and stuff that's happening that's confusing you and/or that you don't like and try your best to not get emotional. Talking helps, it brings things to light.

In terms of social boundaries, girls are usually protective of things like their hair and clothes. In general it's just best you leave such things alone, unless you're 100% sure the female in question won't mind. There's nothing wrong with asking, and it's better to be thought of as weird for asking than to be slapped in the face. It's also a traditional couple thing for girls to use their partners stuff, and in general you won't have to worry about her ruining anything unless she's a careless type of person, due to lack of interest (in which case, that incompatibility thing is what we're talking about here based on a guess of how you seem from your description). Your musical instruments, for example, will more than likely never get touched unless she knows how to play it, and in that case you've got nothing to worry about for care.

As much as people nowadays will get mad at me saying it, girls are primarily emotional creatures. They're much more empathetic than males, and when they're mad you're really going to know about it (they also hold grudges for a long time). While you may recall earlier talks of equality, if she's mad most likely that's the last thing that'll come to her mind. Anger does that to people in general. She did say she wasn't happy about it and when it comes to girls, if they're not happy you did something, do everything you can to put things back to the way their last were before she was mad (They don't forget, they don't forgive.) In this case once she told you, you should've taken her pants off.

I've only learned that only on this forum from Americans and Brits and how some fall into toilet if the seat is up, when I asked female relatives if that ever happened to them too they were like "are they blind??".

In fact...for hygiene reasons, the whole cover must always be down (not just the seat) while flushing, so both men and women have to adjust it according to their peeing positioning, but I wonder if those women who fall in there would also hurt their butts by not noticing the cover is being down (or peeing on it)? :nerd:

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 18 Nov 2015, 5:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

If this kind of thing isn't a regular occurrence, assume she just woke up on the cranky side of the bed this AM. No need to overthink.

I wouldn't mind even if my dear SO wears my bra if he needs to. He may need to create some pressure on his surface or needs some space between his surface and shirt for some reason. But if my brother wore my pajama pants, I'm gonna burn them.

What if your SO wears your undies?

Personally I would follow this rule: my clothes are my clothes, and hers are hers.

I don't care as long as they are fit to him.

This is a classic case of "Two wrongs don't make a right."

Just because your girlfriend did things that are "wrong" like taking your clothes and yelling and slamming doors does not give you permission to do the same thing. Copying this negative behavior only escalates it. The right thing to do is to do the RIGHT thing.

You knew it was wrong to yell and slam doors. Why did you do so? Just because she did? That is childish. This is not about "double standards". It is about everyone needs to act like a grown up.

And if anyone created a "power struggle" here, it was you, by escalating the fight. Being "equal" doesn't mean that everyone has the same right to treat each other badly. If you want to be the "better man", the thing to do is to resolve the conflict and dissipate anger.

Your girlfriend was angry. She may have even overrreacted. BUT...

"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

You chose the harsh word this time.

and honestly OP, borrowing a hoodie is not like borrowing a pj pants; one doesn't fart in a hoodie for instance.

Oh well, at least you were not sitting there in her thong, that would have been a shocker.

Maybe you two should get couple's counseling. If nothing works, break up.

Forget everything you think about fair. She's going to yell, she's going to slam doors, she's going to pick stupid immature fights and she's always going to win. Why? Because, if she had the need she could go file a restraining order and say you were verbally threatening, destroying her clothes, destroying the house, and psychologically harassing her with your bass. That's it, you're homeless. Keep that in mind every time you feel like raising your voice or slamming a door.

Odds are though, you missed like five different facial expressions that should have clued you in to what is going on. The fact that you reacted by getting angrier is going to have her spooked a bit, she probably felt she communicated with you everything she needed to, before you strummed your bass. Therefore, your reaction has probably been perceived as a little extreme.

Not to let you think you need to be a doormat, but your anger level should only ever trail hers and you should be pretty sure it's socially acceptable. Also, if she's ever angry and you're not angry at all, as in completely unaffected, that's a bad sign too. Which sounds like what happened when you strummed the wah,wah, wahhh.

Now to readdress fair between the sexes, if I gave you five pennies and I get a nickel that's fair right? Well yes and no, you have to carry and count five pennies and I get a nickel. On the other hand if I lose a nickel and you lose a penny is that fair? Nope, that's not fair either, but it's about as close as things get. So fair doesn't always mean the same and not being the same means some things are not going to be fair, but if you care you have to try.

Cook something good, only tasty stuff can lessen such conflicts.