Affairs - has anybody had one??

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Just wondering??? Does it help your non-commitment to emotions?

I've never had an affair and I'll never have one. When I dedicate myself to whoever it is I'm in a relationship with, I do just that. I practice what I preach. I don't eye or flirt with other women. I'm militantly loyal and dedicated to whoever it is I'm in love with. Sadly, my past experiences have been with people who obviously didn't feel the same way I did. They did have affiars, and when I found out about it, I dropped them like a hot s**t sandwich. |:

I would have thought having an affair would be very stressful
I'd need to find one person before I could find two anyway

Affairs are bad. Very bad. As the victim of something very close to an affair I can say that people can be hurt very badly by them.

The story of what happened to me is a bit long but it illustrates just how awful some people can be and how their former lovers think of them after they find out about their partner’s infidelity. Here is a copy of an email I sent to one of my friends after I found out about what my former girlfriend had been doing while we were dating.

As I said before, the email is long but I think it is worth ready. Also, since she has to come back from Norway soon I hope her marriage is on the verge of failure. Sorry to be bitter but she really treated me badly.

Text of the email:

The true story of it all begins in the summer of 2004 when I was still in Menomonie and had been dating Kristin for a little over 6 months. I believe it was in July 2004 when she told me that the guy from Norway was planning to visit over Spring Break (March 2005) to do research at St. Olaf College and that she was going to help facilitate his visit there. She said he was just a friend and I believed her.

We were still dating and still talking about getting married in March of 2005 we he came for Spring break. I thought Kristin and I were doing well in our relationship and, as a sign of my affection for her bought her an opal necklace and earring set for Christmas 2004. I am sure you must have seen them. They were actually somewhat expensive, $800, but one buys give like that for the girl he love.

Well, over Spring Break of 2005 Kristin cheated on me with this man from Norway. She called me not long after he went back to Norway and she told me that we had to discuss our relationship. She said she thought it would be best if we put our relationship on "Hold" as she called it so that we could evaluate our relationship. She said her sister and husband did that for about 6 months while they were dating and then they resumed there relationship and got married. We agreed that the relationship was on "Hold" for a bit but that we had not broken up. We discussed this again in May and once again agreed that the relationship was on "Hold" and that we had not broken up. We also agreed to talk again in the summer to see how things were going.

I called her in July of 2005 to talk about getting again but she said she still didn't know how our relationship could work with me in Mankato and her in Menomonie. I asked her at that point if she was dating anyone and she said, "No." I called her again in November of 2005 and asked her if she was dating the guy from Norway and, once again, she said, "No." You can imagine the shock I had this past Tuesday when I looked up her name on Google and found this web page, http://english.osu.edu/NewsEvents/featu ... risley.cfm, and found out that, in fact, there I was being duped all along about the Norwegian man and that she had indeed even married him.

Kristin is a horrible liar and a cheat. Her lying about this man to me extended from summer of 2004 when she first began telling me he was coming the following March to do research at St. Olaf College. Here lying about putting our relationship on "Hold" and about not dating the Norwegian man were simply ways of getting me out of her life in the easiest way possible without having to admit that she had cheated on me and lied to me. Her actions were despicable and I want you to know that the story she told about the end of our breaking up is utterly false. We never actually broke up--I was under the impression our relationship was on "Hold" and to be resumed again sometime in the future.

I have grave doubts about the long term sustainability of her marriage. If she treats that guy the way she treated me I don't know ho he will be able to tolerate it. Also, whether the guy from Norway realizes it or not, she does not want to live in Norway permanently. She told me in February of 2005, when she applied for a job at tee University of Stavanger in Norway, that she wouldn't want to live there forever and that she worried about how she would get another professorship in the United States if she left to teach there and wanted to return to the US. She also wants to be a professor. Professorships are hard enough to get in the United States much less Norway and I don't think she wants to do any other kind of work. I also don't know why any man living and working in Norway would want to leave his friends, his family, and his career in Norway and move to Menomonie Wisconsin or the Twin Cities. I know I wouldn't do it and I can't imagine that any man would.

Personally, if Kristin's Norwegian Dream turns into a Norwegian Nightmare it wouldn't bother me one bit. She treated me far worse in so many ways than any other girl I have ever dated that I can wish her no success in any of her future endeavors. I believe that her marriage will eventually fail, and will probably do so very rapidly, because of her own selfishness and deceitfulness. Don't be surprised if, when she comes back to work through the 2007-2008 academic year at Stout that the Norwegian man does not come with her and, also, don't be surprised if she continues to work at Stout and does not move to Norway to be with him. In the end, here career will be more important to her than he is and he will never give up his life in Norway to move to the United States. It's easy to see the clouds of a broken marriage already building.

To conclude, now you know more of the real story of Kristin and Paul. It is not a pretty story. It is a story of lying, treachery, and infidelity. The next time you see that girl think about this letter. You will see her in a completely different light. I am sure that no one other than a few of my friends such as Mike Lawler, Rob Price, and Elbert Sorrell know the real Kristin and Paul story. Now, you know it as well. People like Kristin eventually reap what they sow. Eventually, she will find that all of her lying and deceit will have led her to a terrible, quiet, and dark emptiness.

Sorry, maybe I posted a subject that was too emotive.

But...I have had someone cheat on me so I know it's really soul destroying...however...

many years later I now find myself in the situation of not having to commit to someone so I was just asking if it just suited some aspies to be in a non committed relationship...I know affiars are wrong but I am just saying someone who is emotionally unavailable sometimes maybe works...

I really apologise to anyone who finds that offensive.

For me I think it would be the opposite. I won't ever have an affair.

Look, I can understand that point of view. I stopped talking to one of my friends because she had an affair with someone...I found it totally distasteful.

My point is rather that if someone is emotionally unavailable, that makes them a little easier to have a relationship with in some ways.

Again, I don't want to offend anyone, but I just wanted to ask the question.

It's ok, I don't know about the people above but you didn't offend me
Just for me personally I don't think it would be easier, probably harder. That's just me though and I'm only 18 so I know nothing about affairs anyway I can see your point though, I just meant for me I doubt when I'm older I would see it like that. I didn't mean it to come across like I was arguing with you or anything though, sorry

Having an affair will do nothing for your non-commitment to emotions other than end your current relationship in a decidedly hideous and underhanded manner. If you want out, get out. If you want to work on non-commitment to emotion issues, get relationship counseling. If you've tried that and it failed, dump your current counselor and seek out one who understands AS, is sympathetic and knows what the heck they are doing. An affair will solve nothing and at it's heart it is nothing but lying and complete lack of respect for your partner. I mean that. It is a complete lack of respect. If you feel that badly about someone, you'd be better off simply spitting in their face to show your contempt and walking out the door. The result would be better for them than an affair.

Look at what Eclair said:

He is exactly right about Kristin and he is also right that she will do it again. The sex aspect of an affair is the least aspect. The lies and deceit that must take place to have an affair are the greatest aspects. No matter what your explanation, your partner will never, ever trust you again and he or she should not because you will have lied and decieved them at the most basic level for an extended period of time.

It always mortifies me when people do this to spouses. I can't imagine ever having myself, my money or anything else anywhere near another person after that. In my mind, if they could pull of that kind of lying and subterfuge then they could wipe out my money, take out a second mortgage without my knowledge or as an Aspie, have me locked up as mentally ill. I wouldn't even trust them to feed the dog after that because there would be absolutely nothing that I would believe about that person again.

Why? Because when someone is so basically without ethics that they can look straight into your eyes and lie to you day after day like that, they have no morals. A partner is the person closest to you, so when you are capable of that deceit you are absolutely capable of anything. I can't even be friends with people after finding out something like that because I can never trust them again. It just says too much about them as a person.

You better think long and hard about that before you go down that path. It is much more noble to either make a commitment to work it out or walk away. It may be painful and full of emotion you would rather not be confronted with, but you will retain your honesty and that is something you should never be willing to give up.

OK, I take what you are saying...however the question was really based on the whole Aspie thing of being comfortable not being in a super close relationship.

Can I remind you that as I said, my husband did cheat on me, not only with someone irrelevant, but someone in my own family so I understand the whole lying, cheating, thing wholeheartedly.

As I said, maybe I should have said...are you attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable...just a discussion, that's all. Please don't think I am some home wrecker@@

My husband...ex husband now...lol... had quite a few, and those where probably just the ones I actually "knew" about. It hurt... period, I pretended it didn't...but inside it did. I could never do that myself, however tempting it might be...I could never be part of that kind of "hurt" even if I didn't really like the person I was hurting.

I need to sleep at night and not wake up in the morning disliking who I am or what I've done....regardless of what someone may have done to me.

a drunk/coked up girl once pretty much forced herself on me on my birthday...i was pretty drunk and have spotty memory of it, I found out later she had a boyfriend...doest that count?

i didn't have an affair, but I did become attracted to someone outside my relationship. It's a long story...i didn't know what to do about it..so in lieu of "having an affair" or being mature and responsible, things got out of control, and I ended up leaving my boyfriend for this person who was a mutual friend....a stupid thing about me is that I cant have passive infatuations...if I am attracted to someone (and it happens pretty rarely), it goes straight to my head and really messes with me..

..There is a chance that people without AS symptoms would have dealt with this scenario in a completely different way...part of it had to do with a certain element of "mind blindness"..and my difficulty feeling empathy made it hard for me to understand what my boyfriend was going through...my inability to recognise that this was just an infatuation...
and there were alot of other factors involved that I won't bother going into...

...At first I simply told the person because I thought getting it off my chest would relieve the tension and frustration...instead it set of a catastrophic chain reaction...

Anywhoo..I broke up with my boyfriend and lived in the same place with him, sleeping in a seperate room for over a month before moving to another state to be with this guy and in the mean time, my boyfriend got another girlfriend 12 years younger than me..and she immediately moved into his room and everything...it was very surreal...

To make a long story short, the relationship lasted 6 months...it had it's ups but it also had extreme downs. I found myself living in a city where I had very few friends and no family..choking to death in a tiny smoky apartment that was infested with fleas..Living with a person with mental problems of his own who couldn't tolerate the way my mind worked...we would have these horrible arguements that pitted my occasional difficulty communicating verbally verses his lawyer like ability to twist things around and distort the truth..so I would just feel like my brains were completly scrambled....

In the mean time my boyfriend wanted me back...and I was homesick and very sore from fighting all the time....so ya get the picture.....it was a disaster..and maybe an affair woulda been alot more simple....but none of it shoulda happened at all...basicly.

I hope I didn’t bother anyone too much with the long tail of Kristin. I only posted that much to illustrate how deceitful people can be and how badly someone can be hurt by that deceit.

This is another thing that happens with people like Kristin whether they are female or male: in the long run they end up with neither the person they cheated with nor the person they cheated on.

Kristin’s marriage to the Norwegian guy won’t last long. In May of this year she has to return to UW-Stout to teach again once her Fulbright Grant is over in Norway. The Norwegian guy, who was born and raised in Bergen, will either not come to the US or, if he does, he will return to Norway because he is homesick, doesn’t have a job, etc. Kristin will not give up her professorship at Stout to move to Norway because she would be unable to get a similar job there. End of relationship.

Kristin cannot have me back. I would never take back someone who treated me that poorly and, yes, with that lack of respect. In the end, she loses both men—just like anyone else loses both partners when they pull trash like that.

Sorry to belabor the point but the Kristin thing was really bad for me. I wish I had never met her. On the ladder of my former girlfriends she is looking up at the bottom rung.

being close with someone i dont know enough to be sure to want a relationship with sounds like major ewww-ness to me. and if i want a relationship with someone, i wouldnt just want to have sex with them - its the content behind that makes closeness great. closeness without that special something is something i dont even consider.

The children of the family are the first to be affected.