AS partner wants to end relationship - advice needed please

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Hello everyone,

I'm brand new here, and relieved to finally find what seems to be an active and knowledgeable site.
I'm sure what I'm about to ask advice on has been written a million times, so thank you in advance for reading on...

I'm currently living with my partner - we've lived together for just over a year now, and dated for about 18 months prior to that. My partner is undiagnosed Asperger's (he recognises and acknowledges that the traits and diagnostics describe him); this is something that has come to light since we began dating.

Since moving in together (I use this as a timeline reference), things have deteriorated between us - part of this is related to my physical health and ongoing depression...long story short, I was on a medication that destabilised my mood significantly, and I became very difficult to live with - I am embarrassed to admit that I can really only see this in hindsight.
I recently (3 wks ago?) switched medication, made inroads to get counselling, started joining social groups to get out and meet people in the area (I moved from "my" city to "his" and have become quite isolated), etc. These are huge but necessary changes for me.
During this time I've also suffered my first and only seizure - it scared the $%! out of me to say the least, and I'm now being tested to determine the root cause.

Relationship-wise, my partner says he no longer feels the same way about me as he used to. This is directly linked to the behaviours and arguments prior to the medication change, etc. The other day he said he no longer loves me. We have a lease until the summer, and neither of us can afford to move out at the minute. I can't leave as my kids are in school here, and he hasn't made overt plans or attempts to stay with family or friends, etc.

I told him that I still love him, and that things can be better if he would give me this one chance. I've begged him (I know how bad this sounds ) ...he is ice cold when I try to talk about fixing things, and just says "I'm sorry but I don't feel the same way about you".

He is VERY angry at me over an incident that happened at the weekend, and he says that it was the final straw as we were already on thin ice when it happened. He says that he wants us to avoid each other as much as possible in the house, spend no time together, and that after a week or two perhaps we can "be civil" towards each other and spend some time together. He tells me that it is "pretty unlikely" that he will ever love me again.

This has been a week of hell...he refuses to eat meals with me, stays in bed as long as possible if I'm in the house (he works from home and I'm off work for a few days due to stress and health), he ignores any attempts I make to be kind or talk to him beyond the basic icy yes or no, etc. and goes out every evening that he can. He is generally quite affectionate, but if I now try to hug him he violently pulls away or freezes. If I even brush against him accidentally or sit to close in proximity while we are in the same room, he flinches away.
Any snub he can inflict on me, he will...silly, spiteful things seemingly designed just to hurt

On the flip side, he has said that he won't tell anyone that we are through just yet, won't look to meet anyone else or date, and despite repeated offers to clear out the spare room and/or sleep on the couch, we still sleep in the same bed.

Without meaning to sound like I'm minimising how hurt and angry he really is, it is like living with a very angry and unpredictable teenager. He is in the other room now, and he just shouted in frustration at the cat for meowing

I'm devastated...I desperately want to fix things - I know that there are issues with the relationship, but what I need to get him to see is that a lot of the fights and problems were likely linked to the medication I was on. He refuses or is unable to see that although I cannot say we will never argue, I'm making changes and being proactive in addressing my problems. It won't happen overnight, but coming off the medication and switching to something else has already begun to make changes I can feel in myself. I *know* what the issues are, and I feel like I can finally sort them.

To me, it seems like this is a loss of trust - previously, we would argue and it would escalate to crazy intense levels...he says that before our relationship, he never argued (?). I know his first relationship lasted 7 yrs and ended "out of the blue" and he never found out why. His partner left him, and he says that although they didn't argue, they also didn't communicate. Beyond that, he has only had one other relationship that lasted a couple years and fizzled out.
In the past, after we would argue I would always say things would get better and that I would stop/change/address the issues we fought about (usually my jealousy, or my frustration over his special interest and the time spent on it).

I meant it, but didn't have the tools. It's no excuse - I should have acted sooner, but I do know that the medication clouded my ability to really see what was going on and impacted my ability to think clearly about better ways to cope.

So now when I say things will be different this time, he doesn't believe me. Based on previous outcomes, I don't blame him. But this time there are supports and plans in place, and also the fundamental things (medication, and also my health scare) going on with me have made a big impact on me.

I'm sorry this is so long - I'm trying to get as much information to you as I can.
Please can anyone advise me on how to cope? How long might a meltdown of this proportion last, until I am able to reason with him again? I accept who he is, and love him for it... I am terrified that he really means it when he says he doesn't love me at all any more and that this is it.

Last edited by _Jennie_ on 13 Nov 2015, 10:29 am, edited 1 time in total.

He's an adult and has broken up with you. There's nothing you can do.

I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough time and hope your medical issues are swiftly sorted.

We tend to have a hard time forgiving, or seeing that things won't always be the way they have been.

My hubby and I have those issues (I'm the AS partner). There are things I've learned to just shut up about, and carry the hurt from forever, because I can't let them go.

You need to ask yourself if that's really a trait you want to live with. Regardless of how things get sorted out now, you're going to get sick again at some point. Everyone does.

If this is it-- Well, do you really want to be in a forever relationship with someone who can't forgive you when you f**k up big-time?? Because everyone does.

All I can do here is compare with my self so...

I would suggest be pleasant and have minimal contact and keep to your regular routines.

Once he gets his thoughts in order you might be able to sort things but to me it sounds like he may have written you off in his head it depends on how he is.

Also he only just found out while you are dating he might be ND, he might be going through his own issues and needs some space coming to terms with things. I know I was a bit overwhelmed at first and started realising why I had so many problems over the years and did need may weeks to collect my thoughts again.

Thanks for the reply, BB. That last line really hit home. I do know what you mean, and it is something that I've given a fair amount of thought to. Perhaps I need to think about it some more, though.
I do know that we work well together - when we work.
I'm very much in love with him, and 100% committed to him. There are lots of other factors as you'd expect, but this year and a bit has been so hard on us all.
It is very hard to understand what exactly he means or wants - he is saying that the relationship is over yet he has decided not to tell anyone else this, has said that even though its over he will see a counsellor with me, he still sleeps in the same bed by his own decision, and says that we will live together until the lease is up next July - realistically, if he wanted out *that* badly would he be saying/doing these things?

Mixed messages? Not fully committed to ending it? Messing with my head? I don't know.




Thanks, ZD. I get what you are saying, and its helpful to hear it from your point of view. I'm working hard on the pleasant and minimal approach! As far as him finding out that he is ND while we were dating, I can clarify that by saying I was apparently the first person to bring up the subject with him - he already suspected it of himself. I don't think it was too much of a surprise, and we have approached it positively. Of course there may be thoughts and feelings about it that he hasn't expressed to me!

I'm hoping that he hasn't written me off...what are your thoughts on the things I mentioned above regarding 'mixed signals' or whatever?

He has made it clear that he wants you to avoid each other as much as possible so I think hugging him/sitting next to him when he clearly doesn't like it is only going to make your chances of reconciliation worse. Respect what he has said and give him some space. Show him actively that you are changing and considering his feelings. It's understandable that he might not believe you if he's heard a lot of excuses and promises to change before. I don't think whether or not he has AS has anything to do with it to be honest. By your own admission you have behaved badly over a long period of time and whether he us prepared to forgive you again is up to him.

He is an adult and said its over. Everything else is just noise.

Assume it's over, start planning your new life -- including new accommodations -- for when the lease is up.

With all due respect, we are both adults and there are certainly more ways to communicate than with just with words - why would I apply more weight to him verbalising that it's over then anything he does? That seems a bit illogical to me...

Surely dismissing his actions as "noise" would be rash, but I do appreciate your opinion all the same.

He won't realise he is messing with your head to me he's been quite clear. I wouldn't read anything into him sleeping in the same bed as it's his bed, I would do the same thing why would I sleep somewhere else.

I think he isn't fully committed to leaving yet but as I said before do as he asks, give him the space he needs. The fact he asked this and didn't just leave either means he thinks you should or your just pushing him to outbursts.

But you really need to think hard if you can deal with this as it will happen again and again when the s**t hits the fan as they say.

He is finding you unbearable to be around, even your presence. He can very much feel your presence, and it is too much. I relate 100% to how he feels. I hate living with anyone and when I want someone to keep away from me, I mean it. Or it quite literally drives me crazy. I get very angry, impatient, sometimes very cold.

You both need to get away from each other. At least take a break. He can feel your love, and it is too much for him at the moment. You need to take it away for a short period, to let him have breathing space. Don't ask him how he is, don't ask him about his life. Only ask him about things that are absolutely necessary, and don't bring feelings in to it. Treat him as a casual aquaintence. Don't say things like, "I wanted to ask you about this topic, but I didn't want to upset you". Just straight out ask him, and if he responds angrily, be very matter-of-fact and distant.

Go out yourself, as often as you can, and don't tell him where you're going, don't tell him when you'll be back, and dress yourself up. It will let him know you're taking care of yourself and have shifted what's important to you over to yourself, rather than him being the object of your life. This gives him lots of mental space.

Yes he is very important to you, but he doesn't need to know this right now. Right now he can't think because he needs space to think. You need to shift your focus from him and give it a break for a while. He will really appreciate this. Don't hold everything in and then break down about it in front of him. And importantly, when he is curious and starts asking about you, keep your distance a bit for a while, physically and continue to cut back on your emotions. Don't look at him either, or look at him a lot less. He should then come to you. But as I said, don't cave in too easily when he starts getting curious, even if he says he loves you, because he will immediately back off again. He needs to know you're reliant on yourself and don't necessarily need him to take care of you. This will ease the responsibility off him greatly, giving him more mental space, and he will be happier.

Thanks for re-framing that in a way that makes sense to me (the bit about why he would sleep in the same bed)! I am giving as much space possible.
I know I mentioned in an earlier post about hugging him or sitting near him making him genuinely uncomfortable, and obviously when that became clear to me I stopped. When he is upset I will normally ask if he would like a hug, and if he says no then I do respect that.

I do know that I have pushed him to outbursts in the past, and perhaps that's part of the reason I'm not just writing the relationship off.
I did ask/offer if he would be more comfortable if I went away even for this coming weekend, and he was visibly upset by my offer to do so. His reply was "no, but if that's what you want to do"; I said that no that isn't what I want, as what I want is to be with him, but that I would be fine to give him the actual physical space if he thought it would help him feel better.

Smudge, Thank you. Your post was perfectly to the point and gave me real, solid advice I can follow.
I recognise almost everything you said in regards to how he is feeling, and also how my presence is making him feel - you've just articulated it far better than I could

Funnily enough I've started some of the things you suggested, but I'll redouble efforts on my part and give him the mental space he needs.

Thanks again, you've really made things clearer and much less scary for me.

Hope you sort things out one way or the other.

That's certainly one approach. Mine differs, ie take what they say at face value (as I cannot fathom staying with someone who says they don't love me, want me gone and cannot stand the sight of me). Your life, your call.

I sincerely hope you find peace.

You're very welcome.

I'm genuinely interested to know how this turns out, good luck. You sound like you have an idea of what's going on already, a lot of people don't manage that. I think a big part of it is being able to take a good look at yourself, and it seems to me you're quite capable of doing that.

I am sorry he doesn't want to understand you and refuse to believe it was the medication that made you that way and you are trying to fix things. He probably can't cope with it so he broke up with you so it's over. That means he wasn't the right guy for you. But what I don't understand is why he doesn't want anyone to know it's over between you two. what you can do now is live like you are room mates. If he doesn't want to eat with you or be in the same room as you or even want to see you, that is his problem. Let him make it hard for himself and you just focus on your kids and be happy and not worry about him. Live your separate life in the same home.