Need Advice On How To Respond To This Please

Post Reply New Topic

Sorry in advance that this is long.

I do not have Asperger's, just some anxiety and depression issues that surface from time to time. My ex-boyfriend is an Aspie. We were together for a few years. Most of the time we got along really, really well. It probably helped that we had nearly all the same interests/hobbies, but we also just had really good chemistry across the board. We broke up about 4 years ago, though. Since then I have never had the same feelings for anyone else despite trying to date others the past couple years. The first 2 years I was so upset about the relationship ending that I didn't even attempt to date anyone else.

The reason we broke up was because he started to withdraw really hardcore and also giving lots of mixed messages, and he was often extremely crabby/agitated and could sometimes be downright mean. I would try to wait until it seemed like he was more relaxed (like when we were high and just chilling) to try to talk to him about what was going on, but it ALWAYS resulted in a big, stupid fight, by the end I wouldn't even know what we were fighting about anymore. But when I would just give him space, weeks would go by and he would just become increasingly like a stranger around me, and he was still having agitation problems. After several months of this I got to a point of being very stressed out (was also dealing with my own life stresses), we had another huge, crazy fight and I broke things off with him.

Even though I was the dumper, I didn't actually want things to end. I just wanted things to go back to the way we were the first two years we were together. But I felt like he hated my guts and like if we stayed together, we were going to end up damaging things between us beyond repair with those fights. I already felt heartbroken, and I guess I was hoping time apart would somehow help things.

However, he moved on very quickly and started dating someone else right away. Over the past four years approximately, he has dated about 5, each of his relationships lasting about a few months to close to a year. It seems like every time he is in between girlfriends, he contacts me wanting to just talk about casual things. Every time this happens I feel really happy and really enjoy talking about our shared interests again. But, it only lasts for a few weeks at most, and then he stops responding to me anymore. So eventually I just accepted that he is not really interested in me, but that he sees me as a sort of pick-me-up when he is feeling down or in between girlfriends.

Well within the past half year I feel like I really got to the point of accepting it, letting go of false hope and all that jazz. A few months ago I tried emailing him just to chat, and he was unresponsive. So I was like alright, I accept this now, I have to move on.

But then this week he sent me an email. Before I even opened it, I assumed it was going to be another drive-by "hey what's up" type email that would lead to nowhere, but, I still opened it. There was no text inside the email, just a photo from his phone, of an old love note I left for him back when we were still together. This love note is at least 5 years old. He has kept it all this time, and decided to send me a photo of it with no explanation.

So now I am in this position where, I am so tired of getting my hopes up only for him to disappear again, I feel like I really need to move on. And if this had just been another typical drive-by email, I probably would have just sighed and deleted it. But me being my stupid sentimental self, I must admit it affected me to see that he kept that note all this time.

But now I am just perplexed wondering why he has done this, why now, what does it mean, what am I supposed to think of it? And how should I respond to something like that?

I know there are many, many more elements at play here than my ex simply have Asperger's, but if anyone took the time to read this and has any insight, input or advice, I would appreciate it a great deal.

For some reason, "fear of commitment" comes to my mind more than "Asperger's."

Even to this day, I might get irritable to my wife because I feel "stuck"--I don't feel "free."

the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. the same problems you had last time are likely to come up again. if that doesn't bother you, tell him you appreciate him having kept your note and wouldn't mind seeing him.

So you think that is a separate issue from the Asperger's? I remember that some of his irritability came from him claiming to be bored and feel "stagnant" all the time, but then he never actually wanted to do anything. It was very confusing.

For example, we were both very into outdoorsy stuff, but especially in collecting very high-quality gear and tools, then spending time organizing everything and absorbing tons of information about bushcraft skills. However, he never seemed to actually want to go out and do stuff with it. He seemed to enjoy collecting more than doing, like collecting things like tools, watches, etc. I was alright with that because admittedly I also liked the collecting and learning parts, too, and we had other possible hobbies. But then in one of our fights when I told him he was acting very mean, he retorted in anger that I was "boring". Just wish I knew where it came from after 2 years together seeming comfortable and okay.

Thank you for the advice. I never figured out what caused him to get so irritable and distant, so I never figured out how to handle it, either. But part of me has hoped (maybe dumbly) that since he has had a handful of other dating experiences, maybe he has developed a better handle on it, himself? I was his first serious girlfriend, so I would understand if I was a bit of a guinea pig for him.

He doesn't sound like he attempts to take into account your feelings, or that he believes in interpersonal give-and-take. Apparently, it's his way or the highway.

It seems as if some people with Asperger's act this way--but it's not universally Asperger's. There just might be something else at play.

He seems like the type with whom you must stand up to, otherwise he'll walk all over you.

Thank you for explaining, I appreciate it.

I suppose it is possible that there are other problems, and that I was just hoping that everything could be explained within the context of his diagnosis. I have just always felt since the breakup that I somehow fumbled everything without understanding it. I felt like I had been able to figure out and understand everything that I needed to in order to allow things go smoothly. Not interrupt him when he was really focused on something. No cuddling after sex. Giving him space when needed to avoid meltdowns. Explaining things very clearly when I had a need. Etc. But I was never able to find any articles or anything to help me out when things started to go downhill.

People with Asperger's have brains. They can listen to reason. They can improve their situation.

This guy doesn't seem to want to listen. Frequently, these sort of people need to be told, in no uncertain terms, that their behavior is not acceptable. Sometimes, one has to be rough. You can't coddle the behavior.

He doesn't seem to have insight in his behavior. He doesn't seem to regret his behavior. People with Asperger's frequently have insight. They frequently regret.

I understand. I am sorry if I came across as implying that people with Asperger's have no conscience or insight, that was not my intention.

I know that. I didn't feel that you were downing people with Asperger's.

I sense that you're trying to find an explanation for his behavior. It's not totally Asperger's...trust me.

There are people who might use Asperger's as an excuse for immature behavior, though.

You probably have feelings for the guy. You probably had some good times. He probably could be a nice guy sometimes. There's that "spark" that you feel for the guy.

Maybe the guy got overwhelmed, for whatever reason. Love and commitment is probably harder for a man than it is for a woman.

But if you allow him to treat you this way, he will continue to treat you this way. Similar to how a woman can't allow a man to hit her ONCE without being told off for it.

as someone who has had counseling for domestic violence, the response to being hit isn't to tell them off. it's to leave and not look back. if he hits you once, he'll hit you again.