New, Need Some Help Please!

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Hi,

Long story short, I'm an NT living with a man who has been displaying ASP traits and behaviours since long before we met. The thing is, for the longest time, I believed our relationship was failing because of my own doing. This is because that's what he - and everyone he complained about me to - focused on whenever he would explode with rage and storm out for anywhere from hours to days at a time. I had never experienced anything of the sort before (honestly, most of my exes and I are on great terms), and it was alarming to say the least, so I went as far as to seek help a number of years ago from a couple's therapist who taught me skills that would help me to be a better partner to him. My partner's belief is that I'm to blame for every awful thing he's done (in defence and/or retaliation of events that appear to have been made of up a series of assumptions he made, shortly after we moved in together), as I started to show signs of anxiety and distress once he stopped treating me as his romantic interest and started treating me as a mind reader/someone he sees daily/an extension of himself, in many ways. Jekyll and Hyde, so to speak.

That same therapist, who originally planned to show me how to improve my self esteem and appear more attractive to my own partner, met him for an hour (in which he referred to me as a "mistake" and complained about how awful it is to live with me), then immediately changed our sessions to revolve around empowering myself and learning how to stop triggering and/or how to attempt to diffuse his meltdowns. I got REALLY good at it, and we were really happy, but then he started having more meltdowns than usual and I was so hurt and frustrated that I forgot how to make it better.

Over the years, I've dealt with everything from verbal abuse to threats to cheating to feeling like I was living in the middle of a psychological thriller; and his reasoning for ALL OF IT is that it was either "a matter of opinion" or "just a misunderstanding."

(um...really? a six month long affair with a girl he met on a solo trip to another country and is nearly 20 years younger than him was "a misunderstanding" on my part? WHAT?! apparently, they were just friends in his mind but she had no idea that we were living together and they behaved as if they were in a relationship. he doesn't understand boundaries. he also went through a number of years where he neglected to tell anyone that he's practically married, unless they asked.)

If I dare to explain how it appeared or sounded on my end of the conversation/situation, he either has a full on raging meltdown (can't handle strong emotions or any sign that I could be upset or displeased with him) or he shuts me out for hours or days on end ("we're doomed!" and he runs away. literally. and then comes home to rage at me, when he's ready. once that's over with, he admits that he doesn't WANT to break up...it's that he BELIEVES it's the only thing to do. he doesn't know how to resolve conflict or regulate his emotions, which has been a big challenge for me to come to terms with.).

Outside of that, he's not one to actually speak to me unless he has to. He's highly creative and is probably the smartest person I know. He can fix anything, but admittedly "can't communicate" and finds it "fascinating" that I can have a conversation with almost anyone (especially, people that he's known for years but hasn't been able to say more than five words to). He will spend WEEKS researching one specific interest (which also happens to be his job), and refuses to go on a real vacation with me "unless" there's a way for him to participate in that interest while we're away (it's a sport). His short-term memory is awful, but he can remember every detail of something he learned in school. He has no real concept of realistic goals ("NOW! I WANT IT, NOW!") and is preoccupied with how the public views him. He defines himself, the very character of his being, by his interests and favorite TV shows Vs. listing actual character traits or aspects of his personality. He's quiet, shy, very attractive to most people, and comes across as a poor little lost puppy to a lot of the people he meets (I found him standoffish at first, but he later warmed up to me and we became inseparable shortly after our first date). He's a workaholic, but again - his job involves his very favourite interest. He learned how to play an incredibly difficult instrument in his 30's and, a year later, was touring with a well-known band. It takes him hours to write a small paragraph, but once it's done it's so incredibly well put together and his use of written language is astonishing compared to how difficult it is for him to speak to me. He responds to nearly everything I say with sarcasm or defensiveness, even when I clarify that there's no need for it. His voice is monotone and he doesn't know how to whisper. He yells A LOT, but I'm pretty sure that he doesn't realize it most of the time and appears distressed when I ask him not to yell at me. "I'm not, I'm not , I'M NOT! AHHHHHHHH!" and everything spirals out of control.

Recently, his Brother (who has special needs) has been showing signs of ASD (we're in the process of getting a diagnosis) and I've been reading a lot about it as a result. Stumbled upon some info about how ASP presents in adult males, and here we are.

Honestly, my first feeling was relief. And my second was validation. Finally, there was light at the end of the tunnel!

The problem I'm having now is that he still doesn't know (awhile back, I believed he had borderline personality disorder or ADHD and he listened to what I had to say, but quickly threw it in my face that he's "not the crazy one!" the next time he had a meltdown)...We've been having the same communication issue DAILY for the last week and; therefore, have been having the same argument every night because he can't understand why it results in me feeling overwhelmed when I'm expected to read his mind. I tell him calmly, he still does it. I tell him a little more in detail, he doesn't want to listen to what I have to say (because he would rather get a beer, sit on the couch and research his special interest) and still does it. I tell him in a very stressed out tone of voice, he freaks out and yells at me because it's not the reaction he was expecting. The last time it happened, he called me "a ____ psycho" and refused to apologize because I was in the wrong for being upset in the first place.

I understand that, as an NT, I need to be more understanding but I'm also human and am under a great deal of stress because my spouse and I can't seem to understand each other. I'd really like to figure out a way to overcome this, but it's wearing on me and I'm overwhelmed. Underneath it all, I can still see my Sweetheart. But I don't know how much longer I can take this without breaking the news to him that he needs to accept his part in why this is happening.

Does anyone out there have a suggestion as to how I can get through to him and suggest that he may have ASP without sending either of us over the edge? I usually write emails to him when I need to address something important, but he's taken to saying things like "I don't have time to read a novel!" and "I don't know why you insist on writing me a novel!" when it's usually as long as two small paragraphs. Verbalizing doesn't work.

He sounds like he has many more issues other than having Asperger's.

Asperger's doesn't usually produce behavior like this.

It sounds like he's unwilling to accept his responsibility & is downright abusive. There's not much you can do if he refuses to listen to your input besides give him an ultimatum & leave if he doesn't comply.