I can't tell when someone likes me?

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So this situation has happened to me more than once now... I'll be talking to someone and in my mind we're just being friendly and making jokes and whatnot. Then they'll ask to make plans to hang out and sometimes I'll be okay with that, but when we meet up I realize it's a date! They'll want to go see a movie or get dinner or something and then they'll grab my hand at some point and I've even had guys kiss me out of nowhere. I don't get it! I don't pick up on any flirting or anything beforehand, and I don't feel like I flirt with them. I don't even know how to flirt. It just confuses me and makes me weary to make friends because I never know what they'll interpret the friendship as. Does this happen to anyone else?

Yes, this kind of thing has happened to me too! In fact I can think of a couple of guys where I specifically told them it was friends only and they still ended up thinking we were on a date! I've become much more suspicious of these kind of scenarios over the years and now if any new man wants to meet up on our own then I assume he means a date unless I find out otherwise! Being blunt with guys helps, saying "I just want to be friends" but someone who really likes you will probably carry on being hopeful that your friendship will develop into more. But as long as you don't end up alone with a guy like this at their house or anything, then if he tries it on, you can tell him it's not going to happen!

You might as well tell them explicitly in advance they have no chance with you, and you will do whatever is necessary to keep them away. It probably wouldn't hurt too much to assume every single guy you interact with likes you, and to make the message as humiliating as possible, so they understand they should have known in advance they're abysmally far from being worthy suitors for you, and therefore they should have stayed the hell away.

^^^ That's just a gross overcorrection.

If you are an attractive person, the majority of guys wanting to "hang out" with you aren't just looking for a friendship. Even if you tell them you just want to be friends, this still doesn't mean they will actually listen. Many will pretend to just be friends with you, hoping you will change your mind after awhile.

My advice? Find a gay guy, or some girls to hang out with.

Yes, going out with someone alone, usually means a date. When you tell them you just want to be friends, then go out with them alone, this can send a mixed signal.

Why? I for one would have really appreciated being told all this firmly and unambiguously, rather than having to piece it together slowly for so many years.

I'm assuming you're a decent looking female so i'm going to give you the best advice of your life.


If a guy shows you any sort of interest, he talks to you, tries to joke with you, makes conversation just to make conversation, just assume he's interested in you. Because that's how men are, they'll do anything to get in good terms with a pretty girl or someone they like. Most of them are not here to make female friends, they'll only do it if you're not single. They may pretend like they're genuinely interested about your hobbies, background, and interests and who knows they may actually be, but most of them are only appearing interested about you because they either want to get inside your pants or they want a girlfriend. Pretty girls are most guy's weakness. Learn to utilize it and you'll have power over men, many men will do crazy things for a woman. And i'm not f*****g around either.

They'll ask for your number and ask to hangout because 1. They're interested and 2. If they don't make a move or show interest, then some other guy will. This is why if you're a shy girl compared to shy guy, you have it pretty easy. If you're a shy guy, you're basically f****d. At your age assuming you're not ugly, you'll have it so much easier finding a date and getting laid compared to guys of the same age, you have no idea.


All you have to do is show interest back simple as that. Laugh at his stupid corny jokes, ask HIM out on a date, talk and ask him question. Because even though you're a decent looking chick doesnt mean you only have your looks going for you.


And if you're ugly well...

Make up for it with a sweet personality and DONT be picky if ur a whale. Sorry just saying the truth.

I agree with most of what you said, but using words like ugly, and whale aren't the most appropriate.

I think she has every idea. The ones who stay clueless about dating are those of us who can't get dates. And, by the way, she wasn't asking for advice about dating, but about warding off guys who think they can date her and don't want to take "no" for an answer.

I personally have a lot of male friends because I have always found them easier to talk to in general. Some of them have shown interest, but some have proven to be genuine friends. I prefer 1 to 1 company but wish that wasn't seen as an automatic date.

I've never understood why it's almost universally assumed those who show "interest" can't be genuine friends.

It's only assumed by sexist men who can't conceptualise being friends with women just for the sake of being friends, because you like them as people but aren't sexually attracted to them, just like your guy friends. Only that type of men make that assumption. Everyone else manages to make friends of either gender when we meet someone whose company we enjoy in a platonic way, because men and women are ultimately just people, just like us.

This kind of attitude can, unfortunately, very often be true. I've experienced and had it explained to me both ways. You as an autistic are likely interpreting someone displaying interest in something as simply that. What you may not be automatically assuming is the ulterior motive and all the unspoken social rules people come up with in substitute for honest, direct communication. Unfortunately, others assume you are aware of this cloak and dagger nonsense, so any reciprocity is seen as assent - you understand that they are really coming onto you sexually by pretending to be interested in you, and your response is interpreted as evidence of your mutual unspoken sexual interest. You have engaged in a game you are both aware you are playing. The kicker is, the autistic side if this game is often not aware, even if they appear to be. Even explicitly stating that you are not interested in sex and only want friendship, some men have been socialised to interpret this as "playing hard to get" and that you are really encouraging them to just try harder. And indeed, some women are doing so. The only thing I could do with these kinds of men was be blunt - relate the fact that you have had problems with this before, with men getting the wrong idea when you say what you mean, and that you will not tolerate game-playing of any kind. Often slipping in there that men have behaved abusively toward you when holding this attitude is enough to make some guys wise up and start thinking that you're serious, you're not just reeling them in. Decent guys will back up.
On the other hand, especially autistic men and some others will often display interest and it is just that. Interest. If they are displaying interest in you, your hobbies or ideas, and behave as if they are interested in friendship, they often are. I have had this problem, too - talking to a woman who I am interested in what she is saying, or find her to be a nice person I have a common connection with and I think maybe we could form a friendship, I have been accused of coming onto her - her assumption being that I am playing the same sh***y manipulative game so many men have played on her so many times before, especially if she is attractive (something I won't ordinarily notice at all). Then I come off looking like a sleazebag when I was just being friendly. Unfortunately many women have been given the advice given here because it's so often true, that they interpret every man's interest as a cloaked sexual pursuit and screw it up for nice guys who just want to be pals. What's needed is case-by-case discernment, and unfortunately, that is often what autistics can't do. We're doomed either way.
Lastly -

This can be dangerous advice to give an autistic woman. If she is unskilled at sexual manipulation and insensitive to changing cues, unless she has already determined that she will give him sex, leading a man on using his sexual interest in her and then refusing to "deliver," so to speak, is a recipe for rape with the wrong guy. This will anger him, invalidate his sense of masculinity, and sexually frustrate him. The wrong guy will turn that around on the woman, designate her a "cock teaser," convince himself she was "asking for it" by giving him all the cues, so he is then free to take what she advertised, even if she refuses. If you want to start that game, you have to be a pro or you might find yourself in trouble.

Some people can, but others carry on the friendship hoping that she will change her mind.

If it was only cultural norms we would pick up on it, but there is an innate side of it too that is never part of the cultural norms. Thus, what happens is that the unspoken rules of neurotypical courtship which are communicated nonverbally are not part of the cultural "dating" scripts, so neurodiverse females won't get it even if they know the norms. When neurodiverse males go by the cultural norms alone they will also fail because they miss out on the nonverbal part.



No, because according to neurodiverse courtship they are not showing romantic interest in the correct way, so we assume they want a friendship. We kick their preferences, but they won't kick ours.



I wouldn't be so sure about that. While a neurodiverse guy will not assume he will get an instant reward (sex or a date), he may instead hope for something more long-term. Because this how the neurodiverse courtship works. I think the determinating factor here is if there is an initial nonverbal attraction or not. If I have a romantic interest in a woman I simply cannot be friends only with her.