Do Men with Asperger's Initiate Dates?

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I would like to know from Aspie men . . . . do you ever initiate dates? How long does it take you to initiate? I feel like I will soon have to begin initiating and it makes me uncomfortable. I want the man to be the man, however, I realize that dating someone with Asperger's will not be a normal relationship. What is the best way to let an aspie man know that you want for him to initiate? Do aspie men get upset if you push them a little and ask them to initiate? Do aspie men want to be like NT men and seen as the man? Do they struggle with initiating? Do aspie men have real emotions toward their girlfriend? What are the signs that aspie men will display when the strongly like or love a girl - when they don't verbalize it?

THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP?

Sometimes, Aspie men have to initiate. In this society, despite advances towards equality for women, it's the man that usually has to ask the women out.

I used to have a really difficult time initiating--but I managed to, somehow.

Thank you, and I am happy to hear that you are stepping up to the plate with confidence. I am an old fashioned girl and values and do not want to initiate. However, I don't know what other signs that I could possibly give to show my interest and/or make him feel comfortable so that he would initiate.

He does many things that from an NT point of view show that he has bunches of interest . . . but he won't initiate.

I was wondering if it is more of a struggle for Aspie men to initiate. This one seems to be in his own world and clueless. And, I am clueless in not understanding what to do . . .

Show interest in the Aspie's "special interest"--that would help. Listen to what he has to say, and comment (even though you might not be interested at the moment).

Yes, I am doing just that . . . taking all kinds of interest in his interests. I told him that I enjoy talking with him and that he is interesting. He acted shocked, insecure, emotional and said . . . you mean you find what I say interesting. I replied to him that everything that he says is interesting. I keep trying to give him confidence and reassurance, but he still will not initiate. This has been going on for far too long . . . I don't want to push him along to the next step. But, I do not know what to do?

Also, I want to tell you that I sincerely think that you are doing awesome by initiating with women. It is so important. Rejection is hard and it hurts. As an NT, I have been rejected many times. I can imagine that perhaps for an aspie man it is harder. This aspie men told me that he has been rejected soooooo many times. I do not know what to think.

In your case, I admire that you continue to initiate despite of any prior rejection. I shows great courage and confidence to keep trying.

I'm 23, and I have only asked once in my life.

I don't think a girl asking is a challenge my masculinity. If anything I feel disempowered when i'm forced to initiate.

I never had a girlfriend, but I do know what it is like to have unrequited love.

To be honest:

I have learned that, frequently, rejection is not because of ME, per se--but because of some situation beyond the control of herself or myself.

I used to be quite shy about asking girls out. I'm married now, so I can't really "ask"

But if I were single, I would be somewhat shy--but I would do it!

I was asked out by a girl once--when we were both 17. She turned out to be a Jesus freak.

It seems like I'm only able to initiate after the girl has chased me in some way, and it is not because of free will.

Not sure how it relates to NT dating, but I liked an aspie girl a while back. I initiated and we hung out playing video games and watching movies at my place on a regular basis for a while. It ended kinda badly, but I think that qualifies as aspie dating.


I think the idea that the man isn't the man if he's being pursued rather than pursuing is a bit insulting. But the absolutely central thing for an aspie tends to be information: does she really like me? Or am I misreading things? is she leading me on for attention or as some kind of cruel joke? What does she like, and how can I use that to approach her? Insufficient data is the most likely thing to prevent an aspie from acting (in my submission).


Get him alone in a room and flash him. Okay, maybe not, but the message has to be clear and utterly unambiguous to that degree.


They might need a little time to process the new information, but no, I think that kind of frank honesty would be appreciated.


I'm an aspie man, and I consider myself manly. However I think my view of that concept may differ from the average NT. I value my masculinity, but I find macho posturing to be tiresome if sincere, and funny if exaggerated. I find the movie 300 hilarious.


Yes. Some have problems with executive functioning, most will not act without solid information.


Very much yes. Some may struggle with communicating it, but yes. I suspect most aspies have emotions matching or exceeding in strength those of NTs. I can only speak for myself, but consider this: anyone can say they love you. Devotion and loyalty, time and effort are much harder to fake, and should therefore be valued higher.


This will more than likely vary from person to person, but see if you can keep his attention in a conversation. This alone should be seen as a positive sign. I find most people to be boring, and as far as I can tell they find me weird. Having some level of rapport with each other goes a long, long way.


You're welcome?

I've never done it, and I don't see myself ever in a situation in which it would even make sense.

Thank you to everyone that has replied to me. All of you have been extremely helpful! I wish that I could reply to each of your comments, but I am technically challenged and cannot figure out how to do it.

To the person that commented that it could be a bit insulting to assume Aspie men are not masculine. I APOLOGIZE!
It was not my intention to mean not masculine, but rather this is how it feels to an NT woman who is used to and expecting the man to pursue, and not understanding what is happening. The aspie man for which I am interested, I believe is very masculine . . . in fact I think he's more masculine than most NT's. It's the not initiating and insecurity part (or perceived insecurity) that is throwing me through a loop.

Answering a few more comments:
We met one time and he called within 24-hrs. I think that he was looking for reasurrance and we thanked each other profusely. He seemed happy, giggly and relieved, so I assume that he has strong feelings for me. He walked me to my car, kept his eye on me and lingered as if he missed me before I was gone.

We always have marathon conversations, including when we meet - everything flowed naturally - the only thing missing is that we don't express how we feel about each other, and he doesn't initiate.

He seems to like to solve problems for me. He also talks about his future plans, and without directly saying it, acts as if I am in it. He seems to be very thoughtful towards me. He also seems to always be trying to relate to everything that I say with a story of his own about the same topic. I think this means that he is trying hard to relate to me. I guess this may be what men do to show interest . . . yet he never directly says that he is interested.

Whenever, I need help . . . he is johnny on the spot via phone/email. Then he asks me if he was helpful, it is just darling. But he asks in an insecure/clueless/he really doesn't know way as if he needs reassurance

To the person that mentioned the executive functioning aspect and discussed the information is needed for an Aspie . . . this is extremely helpful. Thank you! What you are saying is what I am guessing. I am not used to, nor do I know how to communicate my thoughts so directly to a man to make him clearly understand that I am interested. This is forcing me to possibly have to learn, if that is what it is going to take. I feel insecure and vulnerable myself at the thought of actually having to tell him directly in a clear way. But perhaps this is what he needs to hear.

Wolfram 87 - you are extremely helpful . . . . thank you for your thoughtful information.




To everyone . . . please keep the info and advice coming . . . . I AM LISTENING

APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU!

ONE MORE VERY IMPORTANT THING -

Someone had mentioned that this person is not able to change. They also said he will not voluntarily initiate with me because he is getting everything he needs for the relationship via email/phone. He gets to have a relationship and his solitude. This may be okay for him, but it's the worst thing in the world for me.

Sharing peace & quiet is never a bad idea.

You're quite welcome. Glad I could help.



No worries at all. I know you were expressing a feeling, and you're not the first one to express that particular sentiment. We male aspies sort of have the cards stacked against us when it comes to dating: subtle cues of body language and eye contact is usually the precursor to making contact. I've literally seen comments from girls to the effect of "I twirled my hair twice and looked away when he entered the room. What more does he want?". Aspies tend to be bad at eye contact, we tend to miss body language clues, and even if we don't, many of us have a history of bullying that make us less willing to make ourselves vulnerable. Couple this with the societal expectation on males to initiate or be seen as weak, you can see where stress arises. This in turn affects self-confidence negatively, and we have a negative feedback-loop on our hands.




These are very positive signs. I suspect he might want to initiate, but does not know how.




I don't think he's "getting everything he needs" from this relationshisp, I think he's hesitant to go further for fear of losing what he has, and if he's inexperienced this once again ties into the lack of reliable data to go on I spoke of earlier. This might seem silly, but see if you can find a book on relationships (you read it first; some of them have seriously terrible advice) and see if you can get him to read it. In my experience, aspies tend to be book-learners, and a step-by-step, date-by-numbers approach might provide the basic tools he needs.

I don't know this aspie man, but I'm going to work under the assumption that he is an introvert, as most aspies are. What this means is that he needs periods of quiet solitude in order to replenish his mental energy. This is, and this is very, very important, NOT a reflection on you. I love my family, but spending extended periods of time with them makes me tired. Not as tired as, say, spending a day at a crowded concert or such, but still tired. I need to retreat to my coccoon, read a book, listen to some music or maybe just enjoy the silence for a while.

Do not despair, however; there are aspies who are married and have children, living under the same roof as their spouse and spawns. I won't pretend to speak for them, but I suspect that even they have an arrangement where they can "get away for a bit" and recharge. It is untenable to enter a relationship expecting the change a person, but compromise is not a foreign country, even for aspies.




That's very big of you, and a mature position to take.