My boyfriend doesn't understand how to behave when I'm upset

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Hi all,

For context – I’m recently diagnosed aspie and my boyfriend of 6 months is also very aspie, although not officially diagnose. He sort of acknowledges that he’s “on the spectrum” but never talks much about it.

My boyfriend and I were messaging this evening and as the conversation got around to sex (we are in a sexual relationship) I revealed to him some traumatic past sexual events that he didn’t know about and that I hadn’t ever really told anyone about. He seemed very understanding and was saying “thanks for telling me” and stuff, but immediately after that conversation ended he started talking about how much he wanted to have sex etc again. I tried to change the subject but he didn’t seem to get it, so I said things like, “I wish I could have a hug, I’m not in a sexy mood, I feel upset from our previous conversation”. He said sorry, but then still continued to do it.

So I said "This isn't helpful after what I've just told you, I don't want to talk about us having sex right now," and tried to explain to him that he wasn’t understanding my needs, and then he was saying, “Well I can’t meet your needs or anyone else’s, everyone has to meet their own needs,” and, “just because you’re upset doesn’t mean I am.” He is a kind man and I’m pretty sure it’s his aspie-ness that is hindering his understanding of this situation. He definitely isn’t trying to upset me. The last thing he said was, “I don’t know when to talk about my mood?” I think in essence he doesn't understand that sometimes he has to put his mood aside, because he can't work out when that is and when that's not necessary. And I think he probably also feels that putting his mood aside "isn't fair", although that's my interpretation.

How can I explain to him in a way that he will understand that when someone is upset, their mood sort of takes precedence? And that if I’m talking about traumatic sexual experiences from my past, it’s not appropriate for him to be making sexual advances?

He did say "I didn't realise you were so upset" and I told him I'd been crying during the whole conversation, and he said, "well if I'd seen you crying I probably wouldn't have made so many sexual remarks." But he still would have made some?!

I’m also aspie as I said, so I have difficulty in these kinds of situations anyway, but it’s making it extra hard that he doesn’t seem to understand the emotional etiquette at all!

Help, please and thank you.

I've been in a long term relationship with an aspie male.
I would have to be melting down and repeatedly banging my head against the floor for him to pick up on my mood.

If you want emotional support find a female friend.

Male Aspie's aren't good at emotional support. For what it's worth, many NT guys aren't really either...they are just better at faking it.

I read that too, in a lot of Aspie books and thought that it sounded just fine and dandy to get emotional needs fulfilled by female friends. Then I experienced it from my Aspie friend when I was sick with pneumonia and I can't tell you how alone it felt when he didn't show any caring emotion like what I would be used to as an NT woman. I guess the equivalent would be for an Aspie to be around an NT that couldn't fulfill their logical needs like intelligent conversation - how long could you be around that person and feel fulfilled and happy? Emotional support is something that an NT woman (and some NT men) can't live without - its a necessity and its not something that can just be fulfilled by other women. Why would a woman want to be in a relationship at all with a man? Women don't just want sex. Being in a relationship with a man fulfills different emotional needs for a woman. Am I explaining this in a way that is understandable?

With Aspie partners you need to tell them specifically what behaviour you expect and why.

e.g. "When I tell you about my past sexual trauma I expect you not to talk about sex afterwards. That upsets me."
"When I'm sick I expect you to call and ask me how I am. That shows you care about me."

If you think about it, the only reason you get upset by someone else's behaviour is because they're not acting how you expect them to act in a given situation.
You have preconceived ideas about how when you say A you would like your boyfriend to do B.
You boyfriend has no clue about these preconceived ideas, so he's going with C because that's what he knows.

What seems 'basic' to most people is not always obvious to Aspies.
If you're going to wait around for him to pick up your feelings by using subtle hints and roundabout language you'll be waiting a very, very, very long time.
Best to start plainly telling him your feelings now if you think he's a keeper.

Also, messaging is fine but it's probably best to communicate major revelations in person.

My husband and i are both on the spectrum and we both do this to each other. I get upset about something; he writes it off as hormones. He gets overloaded and i do not realize he wants to be left alone; I continue to talk to him because--hey, i'm not done here, my thought has not been completed! We end up bickering needlessly over stuff that, with a little forethought, might have been worked out painlessly.

I have difficulty with executive function and forget things a lot. Sometimes he has asked for alone time, but it was hours ago (as in, before leaving for work for an evening shift he will say, "you could go to bed before i get home and let me alone to pay bills in peace before i go to bed") but i had something i wanted to talk to him about and i stay up to chat with him after work...he then gets mad because I am still up and start talking and he thinks i didn't care. It wasn't that...i just forgot. With executive function issues, forgetting something does not equal not caring. It equals "you didn't write it down."

We have been married over 15 yrs and are still working on this. I think it is not unique to aspies; NTs have their own issues too. But aspergers adds a few more wild cards in the mix. IMO, you have to look at what trips each of your triggers. At that point, figure out what you need to do to help each other and avoid fights. I am not suggesting burying your head in the sand for real issues; but rather, finding out what works and doing it. And, as Raleigh said, let go of how you expect him to act. Expectations can ruin an otherwise great relationship. Take each other for who you are; not for what you expect the other to be. Just my 2 cents if you wanted it.

Although I hate to admit it your boyfriend sounds kind of like me. I too often don't take my girlfriend's hint almost until she gets mad at me. I don't mean to override her, I just don't get it sooner. I have great respect for her, and as soon as I understand, I will stop overriding her. When she starts sounding angry I may sometimes feel she is being dismissive and I may actually feel a bit hurt and a bit guilty at the same time. Intellectually, however, I know that she loves me and that all is fine. I then just needs some time by myself until the bad feelings pass away. All in all we have a very healthy relationship. My advice is therefore: Just say it directly. Just say whatever is necessary. If he feels dismissed you guys may talk about that afterwards. I hope this helps.

Different problem here.
I tend to try to guess the problem, because I grew up around a volatile father, so I end up trying to mind read, which I am, of course, often terrible at.

It can be just as infuriating for your partner when you are hyper vigilant about trying to figure out their emotional state.
Example:
"Babe, I know something's up...talk to me"

"I'm fine, just tired"(But is she really? Or is she doing that thing, where she'll dismiss things because she thinks I don't really care. And then I get trouble later on.)

"Come on, if I can do something about it, let me try. I love you"

"Oh god, shut up"

As you can see, and I can when I look at it, that could be really annoying.

@OP

how old is this fellah?

If he is still in his teens or early twenties, there is a lot more biological prompting to make every conversation be about sex.

Not sure if it's a factor in this specific case, but in general younger men tend to have more of that one track mind.

Good luck.

"I'm FINE!" can mean so many things.

He's 27, but this is his first real relationship and he was kind of a late bloomer. But I do think his one track mind probably has something to do with it!

Thanks for your replies. Raleigh, probly.an.aspie, PorridgeGuy - I think you've got it. I spoke to him today (on the phone, sadly in person isn't an option as we're LD at the moment) and he said he felt silly about how he reacted yesterday because now it's sunk in he can see how he wasn't being helpful. I was so relieved he said that - sometimes it just takes him longer to process I think (something I am also familiar with).

I thought I was being very clear, but I think you guys are right - I wasn't being direct enough. I think instead of saying, "I'm not in the mood right now," I needed to say, "You are upsetting me by talking about sex at this time, I understand that you feel in a sexy mood, but I need you to comfort me because I feel sad." I am still very much learning how to be direct enough!

Thank you for your help. I do think he's a keeper and we had a good chat about it today, so I will remember your advice in the future.

Could it be as simple as: "I don't want to have sex right now, or talk about it, and I am going to sleep/home. "? If that doesn't work I would consider my options.

It's good that you are trying to understand his difficulties, but you need to protect yourself as well. If being that blunt doesn't work, then you may need to think about whether the relationship is right for you.

You know him best.

it is unfortunate for some other people that some things matter much more to them than they matter to me.
some people are caught up in the instant. they get cranky about stuff that is not very important in the scheme of things as far as i can see.
i can not get roped into things that seem whimsical to me.
it makes me seem like a lizard apparently according to a girl who described her dissatisfaction with me.

all whimsical things eventually pass into infinite dilution, and i just get on with other things while that process occurs in the mind of the disgruntled girl.

it is like chasing bees in a paddock or something to me when i consider paying too much attention to the summary disturbances other people may have.

they will either settle down on their own or not and i just get on with other stuff until an outcome is arrived at in the girls mind.

i can not steward them through things that not only can i not understand, but also that i have no inherent interest in.

If only there was a manual that would tell men what to do when their wife or girlfriend behaves oddly.

"When she does A, you should do W, X, and Y in that order, but never Z. If she does B then Z is okay, as long as you follow up immediately with J, K, and L. If she ever does C, then pack it all up and leave, as there is nothing you can do about it until she calls you." ... et cetera...

As was said previously, discussing such serious matters is better done in person. You are robbing each other of the whole picture when trying to understand one another. Meaningless chit-chat is one thing, but serious things should always be in person. I know that's a personal rule I've always had for that reason. I need to see and interpret your reaction along with your words to try to get the whole picture.

He will learn you over time if you allow him. Only 6 months in with no prior relationship gives him little insight into the female mind, which can be quite a confusing place for men. Many men could talk about traumatic stuff, turn around and be ready to go within 10 minutes alot of the time. I've experienced this with my wife (we believe we both may be ASD, neither diagnosed, I'm probably a little "worse" than she is) when fighting or in other situations life low self esteem times. For me, having sex is an escape, something to reset my mind and take me away from what I'm down on. I've come to understand females are quite the opposite most often.

If you have thoughts of a long term thing with this guy, take this as an instructional opportunity if you are emotionally able. Very direct if-then instructions are always helpful to build up his knowledge of proper acting toward a woman.

well i would not bother reading that manual.
why should i have to defer to them to the degree that i should learn their instruction manual?
just let them go if they require the maintenance of an "emotional manicurist" who arranges their ideals like a soulless florist poking flowers into a sponge.

in the real world of true emotional significance, it is well to explore those that have similar reactions to you and avoid those that take effort to understand (i believe)

power through a circuit with low impedance is very efficient.