"I just didn't see you that way"

Post Reply New Topic

Hi all.

So, this is basically the "message" I get from each and every girl I've ever met. No girl has ever viewed me as a potential boyfriend, ever. I am now almost 27.

The closest I come is friends at most. They just don't or can't see me "that way". I have asked one or two girls if they would date me, and that's what they say basically. At that point the friendship is over too. They tell me there is nothing wrong with me, I'm just not their type. Every girl has told me this, which leads me to believe there must be something wrong with me after all.

It all got horribly worse when I fell in love with one particular girl. Naturally we were just friends. After a year of trying my best to say nothing, I told her that I really loved her. A floodgate of humiliation and self-hate ensued. She immediately started ignoring me, and began treating me like a stalker, she deleted her Facebook when I sent her a message after two years of staying "away" from her (it was hard and all I could manage), and then switched off her phone when I tried calling her another year later. In each message, I only apologized for what happened and told her I just wanted to be friends again.

That was enough to send me over the edge. I now firmly believe I am an evil, sick man and I try avoiding women to protect them from me. But, I can't help myself, because I love women, so I find myself talking to one again, only to find out she is taken and all the friendly conversations meant nothing. The hurt starts all over again at that point.

The only women who will have coffee or something with me are married women and women who have boyfriends. There also seem to be no single women, ever. All the girls I speak to are taken. So, any "signs" I think I see, are immediately invalidated as only "friendly".

The only "girlfriend" I've had is a girl online, who lives in another country from mine, so I can't possibly be with her. I seek so badly to hold someone for real, in my arms, and to tell and show her how much I love her, and how beautiful she is.

As it goes, the friendship with girls is basically chatting with me and me helping her with stuff that people with Asperger's usually help others with (stuff on computers, stuff in the laboratory, technical things, or how to calculate certain things, etc.).

I don't understand what is wrong with me.

There's nothing wrong with you, Sir.

What I would do is rely on time-honored tradition:

Do you have friends who can introduce you to a sister or a cousin or another friend? That's the way many relationships truly happen. It's happened for me a few time using this route.

When I was in my 20's, I was pretty much friend-material, too.

I wouldn't be surprised if, when you get in your 30's, that you will have more success. Because you would have matured, and the women would have matured, too.

Thank you kraftiekortie.

Unfortunately, I have no more friends. Most people have either found a reason to no longer be friends with me, or have basically broken contact for long enough that now we don't talk anymore.

What I actually want to ask is if there is some method I can use so that I no longer feel any attraction to women and a way I can stop loving them. If I can get that right, then this will no longer be a factor in my life and I can get on with my life without thinking about this on a daily basis.

It would be nice if we can just "shut off" sexual attraction, and the desire for companionship.

But, alas, we are human, and have this stuff ingrained within us.

I see you are in Cape Town---one of the jewels of South Africa. Many people wish they had your climate (though I guess it rains in the winter quite a bit).

Do you have any particular special interests?

I can tell you [OP] from personal experience that the desire goes away [along with one's testosterone] by the time one gets to the autumn of their years. then it is replaced by a barren coldness. I don't want you to go through this same experience that I have, I want you to fix your situation ASAP by 1] seeing a good escort, and 2]paying for a good matchmaker, IN THAT ORDER, so you will know what to do when the time is right. youth is too short and too precious to waste, and it will leave you behind sooner than you think. please entertain these options, don't make my mistakes.

I would say don't wait so long to gauge if there is mutual attraction. After you have known a gal for a few weeks, that is honestly long enough for her get a feel for whether or not she feels potential for chemistry. If she does feel potential for chemistry and isn't the type to play games, then she will respond positively to mild flirting, and will also return some signs to you, after which you can ask to do something just the two of you that does not involve you doing anything for her. This way you spend about three weeks determining if there is potential with a particular gal, find out and then move on if there is not.

If you wait for months to even years to make it apparent that you are interested, then you will be wasting a bunch of time which lowers your chances by default (as in chances with other women), and there is basically no point in it if she was never interested in the first place. That sort of cycle would make most people feel depressed. Especially since you will have become emotionally invested and attached for nothing, which always sucks.

Also you should try to take care not to accept even friendships that are one-sided, where the friendship just consists of you doing her favors with her computer and whatnot, but no time spent just enjoying each others' company. A situation like that usually means that the woman knows you are attracted to her and is taking advantage. While meanwhile you could be pursuing actual possibilities. Real friends won't only spend time with you when you're removing malware from their laptop.

Thank you guys! Oh, and a Merry Christmas too!

To kraftiekortie - ah yes, Cape Town is pretty rainy in the winter, but quite hot and sunny in summer. Each day in summer is pretty much 80+ °F. I have special interests yes, but it's not something I can really relate to others, and I'm afraid of talking about them, for fear of talking about them too much. In fact, they are so obscure and boring that even one minute speaking about them would make the other person feel pretty bored.

And auntblabby, well actually yes, I have seen a few escorts, but it wasn't great. I like sex, but it's love I truly seek, and to only have sex with the girl I love. Without it, it feels pretty numb and kind of boring, and not much value for money spent. I really regret actually doing it, most of those women were really cold and unfriendly. One of them befriended me and started wanting money from me all the time, saying she loved me but needs help. At the time I was extremely depressed and the emotional attention was such a boost, I couldn't see any other way. It cost me dearly.

And to Gnome, I like your approach. I just find it impossible to get a second date with a girl. It's not that the first date was a disaster, not at all, we usually have a lot of fun. Normally what just happens is, since we went on a date, they sense I want more than friendship, and then ignore me after that. I don't know if most of them just want the free lunch, and then already have a boyfriend at home.

It seems every girl is already taken. I guess I waited too long to date. I come from a poor family and I've studied hard at school and university only because I really want to make something out of my life, and help my parents one day. Now it seems that I am paying dearly for that, so I can't really say if it was ever worth it to be honest.

Since I made this bed of thorns to lie in for myself, it would really help me if I could just no longer feel the need to be loved and to love. Kind of like a thick jacket to wrap around myself, so I don't feel the "thorns" so bad. I don't actually think it's such a bad thing being alone my whole life, I just wish these desires and feelings would leave me alone so I can get on with my life. I never wanted to fall in love, because I knew this was going to happen. I knew from the beginning nobody was ever going to accept me. I can't understand why I still had to fall in love. I don't understand why I have to be tormented like this.

some thoughts to the OP: life and dealing with other lives, is [using a radio analogy] a matter of frequency- we each resonate at our own frequency, and we tend to "receive" only people broadcasting [or really narrow-casting] on a frequency at or very near our own. some of us have common frequencies that many people are on, while some others of us are on obscure channels that hardly anybody else "gets." so in light of this, I dearly hope the OP ceases thinking to himself the very self-defeating thought, "nobody will EVER accept me as I am!" and instead think "I am the way I was made, and I will continue to be the best me that ever could be." that way, your radio frequency signal will be as loud as it can be, and you will shine as a bright beacon to others who are near your frequency, who may well see you from afar and home in on your bright signal.
P.S. - what do you think of the professional matchmaker thing?

But is it really any much better? I am not self-defeatist but that doesn't mean I won't fail due to circumstances I can't control.

I'm sure the OP also felt this way in the past and overtime continued failure resulted in his attitude decaying into the negative outlook it is now.

Youth is useful yes and once you get older you become embittered, but who's to say those that take advantage of their youth will even find success either?

Well first of all, you're waiting FOREVER to tell a girl you like her so then she puts in you dat friendzone. Dat friendzone...


Second of all, you have to let a girl know that you're interested in her from the get-go. Now you don't directly tell her you like but you give hints and you give hints by flirting with her every once in a while. You know what I mean?


You don't wait f*****g foreva! Cuz once you in that friendzone, ur in the friendzone.



Another reason why girls friendzone you is because they think you're physically unattractive but like your personality, same interests etc...

I think you're right darkphantomx1, it's a looks thing. I'm just not attractive. I don't buy this whole personality counts and "love yourself" stuff that the rest of the world tries to come up with.

Basically, anyone who is physically attractive will be loved, because people are sexually attracted to them, full stop. So, when others love you, it's easy to fall in love with yourself too. The point is, others can love you even if you don't love yourself.

And then there's "personality". Personality is not the thing with the penis that pleases the girl in bed, the body is. Personality is not the thing that runs through her head when you are together in bed, it's the look of your body.

The world is, and always has been, centered around the physical, seeing is believing principle. I've seen too many girls go out with guys that have horrible personalities (but great bodies) to be told that personality counts. You can be a complete a**hole and still pull all the girls if you have a six-pack and huge arms.

Women like men who are strong, and nothing says strong better than physically strong, now does it. So, the solution is - hit the gym. That's it.

Let's face it, those days of people loving each other for who they are, those days are over. People today don't give a f**k who you are as a person, what your talents are, or any of that stuff, they measure you by what you have, and looks goes a long way. The next one is money. Nobody likes a poor person, that much I've learnt. Immerse yourself in brand names, gold on the wrist, round the neck, and brand names on the feet, and you've got it made.

So, if I don't have looks and don't have money, what's left? Nobody cares what I can do on a computer, do in the lab, what math problems I can solve, etc. They want sexy times and fun, for which you need a great body and lots of money.

I've met one girl who loves me for my personality, and that's my online "girlfriend".

But, that's all wonderful. However, there will come a day when looks and money will not cut it, and then it's too late for this world to turn back. Then I won't be there to help either.

Oh good gosh.

In my observations the majority of guys who lament that they can't get a girlfriend due to not being attractive, are guys that only go after more attractive gals. There is another thread on here where a member posted a photo of a gal online who shot him down, and the gal in the photo is absolutely beautiful, cute and sexy. She is more attractive than most women are. So it's obvious that he is going after the most attractive women he is seeing, which molds his experiences. Guys in that self-created situation don't allow themselves to experience reactions from your very average gals. They basically approach the situation like, "Hello woman who probably gets hundreds of men per week on here trying to court you, please pick me, and if you don't, I will conclude that dating is just impossible and all women are just like you."

The reality is that most people find it much easier to bond with people with whom they can genuinely, more deeply empathize through personal experience. Not only is this why personality and shared experiences/interests DO matter a lot, but it also means that most average to homely looking women are going to be able to perceive and appreciate the aesthetic appeal of average to homely looking men. It's comfortable, and comfort plays a huge role in a woman's ability to enjoy sex. Not feeling "good enough" or feeling self-conscious will kill a woman's libido faster than a tranquilizer dart. Men who are also average to homely often bring an automatic comfort level for an average to homely looking woman, and that comfort level is exceptionally valuable and often allows a gal to form a deeper attraction to you in time.

Often the trick is figuring out your subset preferences, in order to still go for women you find attractive, but not women for whom you will have a ton of competition. Think about features like eyes, smile, shape, demeanor, voice, etc. Think about little things you might like, such as freckles, glasses, etc. Allow yourself to really observe the variety in humanity and get a feel for your little preferences. Don't try to force things to work with someone you don't find attractive at all, but also don't wait until you're caught off-guard by a bombshell and only respond to a strong reaction like that. Go for the middle ground.

Instead of hyper-focusing on a gal who seems just perfect to you, try an exercise like picking out 5-10 women you know of who you think are "cute" and try testing the waters with any of them who are single.

Many women are highly intuitive and will be able to detect if you are far more focused on their looks than their personality, and their likely response is to return the favor, focusing on your looks far more than your personality. But if you practice building up attraction with a merely "cute" gal by appreciating her personality, she will likely pick up on that and mirror you, focusing on your personality, as well. I guarantee you that the hottie pictured in that other thread knew immediately that she was only being messaged because she was hot and for no other reason, so she is likely inclined to assess her suitors in the same manner. Why shouldn't she?

You should also know that there is a very wide variety of tastes in men among women. The big thing to keep in mind is that most women are able to tell very easily if you are mostly or exclusively interested in their looks as opposed to their personality. And if a woman is able to sense that the interest is shallow, then there isn't any potential for anything deeper there in the first place. And when that it is the case, if it's all going to be shallow anyway, then she may as well at least enjoy the shallow experience by going with the most attractive guy she can get, according to her personal tastes. This can give the illusion that you have to be very attractive to get a girlfriend, but in reality it is the shallow premise that often leads to that. For most women, if they perceive that there is actually a possible deeper connection to be had, they will consider it.

Have you ever had a girlfriend or a relationship? If not, you shouldn't be giving advice on how to do something (date a girl) that you've had no success with.

I can tell you from personal experience, that being friendzoned is a world better than being creepzoned.

You hate women and hate yourself. You sound like you want to crawl out of your own skin. If you don't want to be you, why the hell should any woman agree to go out with you?!?

So a girl wants to get to know you a bit before agreeing to spent 2-3 hrs in your exclusive company (aka go on a date with you) and will decline to do so if you've done something to bore/annoy/offend her? This is wrong and unfair how, exactly? Seems pretty sensible to me.

If you don't want to splash out on an expensive meal for a girl you could either go Dutch or ask her out for a coffee instead or even to catch a free local event, like a festival or concert.

why do humans always need to identify with being Homo,hetero,bi,or anything else?

I'm asexual.

I have no preference for anyone.

I am so happy that way.


Please - all of you - and your stupid sexual ways - please just leave me alone!