Affair ?

Post Reply New Topic

Hi all.

I am a late 30's year old married guy with Aspergers. I live in China with my wife (both western ex-pats).

Suffering a tremendous amount of overload at the moment and don't really have any friends to turn to (hence my post, I never post).

I went on a work trip a few weeks ago and one of the guys brought his wife along (a local Chinese woman). My wife didn't come with me. While we were there his wife and I flirted (I have taught my self how to do that quite well in the key few years). Anyway long story short we slept together and now we can't stop messaging each other. I went to her city last week to meet with her also. She ha told me that she is in the process of leaving her husband anyway (not for me).

I think we are having an affair.

I don't know what I feel either for her or my wife. I do feel both happy and sad at the same time I think.

My wife and I haven't been great for a few years now as I don't really understand how to deal with her emotional needs as she has had major depression at times and an attempted suicide once before. I still love her, just not in a romantic way.

I feel completely trapped at the moment as I don't work a normal job. I do consulting projects that last a week or so then I have some time off. It suits me as it stops me going crazy and doing stupid things. But the cash flow is an issue and makes me feel trapped in my relationship.

Anyway. I am lost. I don't know what to do.
Open to advice at this point.

Yep...you had an affair. It happens. To many of us.

It's not right, really. But this isn't about a moral judgement.

I wouldn't leave my wife if I were you. I would try to make the relationship with your wife better.

I guess I would stop messaging this other person--especially if you exchange sexually-charged letters.

I'm not going to ask where you are located in China--but curiosity sometimes gets the best of me.

I think it's probably better for a Westerner in Shanghai than it is Beijing.

On a forum like this it shouldn't take you this long to understand how lucky you actually are.

You better pray to God that your wife doesn't find out and is one of those crazy chicks that will publicly humiliate you for cheating like these male victims.


http://www.brainjet.com/random/22873/23 ... use#page=1



Btw wife, if you're reading this, please read this article why men most likely cheat. http://www.webmd.com/men/features/why-men-cheat

She probably knows already.

He'd better hope that the "other woman" was not part of a Chinese government plan to put him in a compromising position, and then blackmail him into doing something to damage his employer.

Lulz industrial espionage sounds like a terrible gig...

It is understandable that you can become attracted to another women, when you're married, but cheating is still cheating, and it isn't morally right. If you don't love your partner any longer, you should at least put an end to that first, before you begin another relationship.

I guess no other women have said anything yet, so I will. I would say come clean to your wife and tell her what you did. You owe her that much. If it was me, I wouldn't take you back, but that should be her decision. You did the damage and she needs to decide if she wants to willingly take you back and move past it. If she does take you back, then the affair should never be brought up again by her and used against you. Your wife needs to know what happened and you need to make a decision of who you want to be with. The new woman may not even want you - you might have just been a fling for her. You still need to be honest and upfront with your wife.

Wow... If there is someone I dislike more than jerks, it's people who look up to them and wish they could behave like that too.

Lol, well some of these revenges aren't so unfair after all. But yeah some were crazy too.

Last edited by Peacesells on 27 Dec 2015, 1:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Well for starters, having an affair is NOT how to deal with the emotional needs of a wife with a major depression and suicidal attempt history.

But you knew that.

I think you probably had this affair as a way to end your being stuck in an unsatisfactory marriage. "I didn't mean to hurt you - it just happened" is the way cheating husbands often describe the situation. You don't even acknowledge to yourself that this is an affair - you ask others to name it for you.

Instead of telling your wife what you've done and letting her decide what to do, the proper thing to do is for you to go to individual therapy and understand your own motives and actions. At that point, you can determine what you should do about telling her. But right now, you are just flailing about in the dark.

As for the other woman, message her once saying you're sorry but it was a big mistake to get involved with her, and that you like and respect her but can have no further contact. Then block her phone and email.

To the OP: BeaArthur's advice is very sound. You've done something very dishonest & hurt your wife even if she is not aware of it (yet); you and the other woman broke the trust your spouses had in you. You need to fix it, one way or the other. You owe it to your wife, your friend and your self.