Has anyone else ever thought this way...

Post Reply New Topic

I consider myself a heterosexual male. I've felt strong physical attraction to members of the opposite sex, and haven't ever felt the same thing for members of the same sex.

But, I seem to be almost completely unable to even do something as simple as get a date. Right now, it's about 10 years since the closest I've ever had to having a girlfriend, and even with her, I didn't even get to the point of kissing her. She did, however, ask me to have sex with her at one point over the phone, but I was too embarrassed to go over to her house and do that. After a stupid incident (an NT mind game: asking for an evaluation and expecting support), she refused to talk to me again.

Since then, there has been no progress. No one has been interested. After a huge amount of work, I finally have friends (of both genders) and talking to them is not an issue, but I can't get close to any of them. Despite everything I have going for me (average looks, nearly finished with a Master's degree, high intelligence, a good job starting soon, the few people who give me a chance say I'm one of the most good-hearted people they know), apparently I'm not up to anyone's standards. I've asked numerous girls on dates, but no one is interested. From friends who I genuinely care for and could see myself marrying to acquaintances to people who I just naturally "click" with upon meeting (very very rare, but I've met a few)... and I've gotten a total of three dates (I'm 26). One with the first girl (total personality-type mismatch, but she found me funny so she agreed, but there was no follow up) and two with another (she had a personality type of INTJ. I didn't ask, but she also seemed aspie).

Before, I was at a tech school where there were way too may guys, but finding women I could relate to wasn't overly difficult (even though all the ones I knew and was interested in were either in a relationship or not interested in them), now I'm at a liberal arts college taking communication courses (exposure to a systemized approach to communication definitely helps make it easier), and simply can't find any women that I can relate to on more than an acquaintance level.


I was thinking, if it could mean being in a relationship, being loved and validated, being close to another person, being supported socially and emotionally, being valued, accepted, wanted, and cherished, would I be willing to give up my heterosexual preference and look for such acceptance in another man?

I've been in a couple of purely platonic relationships with other males which somewhat met your goals. It's not a bad move actually. Guys that you can just go for a walk with, and bare your soul to, without actually changing your sexual preference. Actually had one offer to support me financially, but that seemed a little weird (though it turned out was exactly what I needed). Leaves you open to finding the woman of your dreams, but still having very close connections with another human.

sure,
why not? Intimacy is intimacy and if it isn't a problem to you to be with someone of a different gender than you are used to, why not?


The problem isn't with the gender of the 'other' anyway, the problem is that they are 'other'

Merle

it is a shame, that (i think because of cultural expectations) it is easier for girls and women to have these kinds of relationships which can be especially intense and flirty during puberty and teens and then often wane when a 'proper' heterosexual relationship takes precedence for either of the friends.

actually, i don't think that i have moved on much from that kind of friendship now and i am 30. i have been out with men for anything upto 3 years at a time, alas i find that i don't get the same emotional closeness, 'in-jokes' and intensity from them as i do from my best female friend. i would like to though, perhaps it is just because i have difficulty bridging the divide in communication style and whatnot. until that time i guess it is okay to have different friends satisfy different needs.

btw gsilver: if you desire women but generally not men, then i'd say you're 99.9999% hetero. i wouldn't worry what you may think others think of your various friendships, because it doesn't change anything.

My social NT brother has told me that his gay friend (my brother isn't gay) gets to help the females of his group put on bras... so if people take you the wrong way you might still win (although you probably don't want to be thought of that way with the girl you really want to go out with). I don't know far he went before the girls changed clothes around him, but it might just be a perk you unintentionally acquire.