My "friend" vamped on me

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I'm really baffled by what I just experienced. Here's what happened...

I became friends with a man I met through my work. For the sake of privacy I will call him, Andrew. He is friends with the owner of the company and goes to church with him as well. I started going to this same church and since Andrew was the only other person I knew there (other than my boss, I think that would be awkward to go sit with him and his family), I asked to sit with him the first time I went. Well I liked the church and kept going, and we kept sitting with each other because he was still really my only friend. We became better friends and started doing things with other people outside of church. We would text and get to know each other. We hung out several times by ourselves, but that's how my friends and I are - one-on-one is better for me. I could never tell if he had any kind of interest in me, he did a great job at reiterating the fact that we're just "friends." I was never under the impression that we were dating, or were even going to date. I thought we were just friends (especially because that's what he SAID) and everything was fine. I was really glad I was actually cultivating a good friendship! But then all of a sudden, he stopped talking to me for days. So I ask him what the heck is going on, and he dropped this major novel of a text message on me about how we're being inappropriate. Apparently "getting to know each other" outside of a large group setting is unsafe? He has some seriously high boundaries when it comes to dating, and wants other people's counsel and guidance so him and whoever he's dating don't make some unforeseen mistake. I totally respect that, and I understand - BUT WE WERE JUST FRIENDS! So that shouldn't really apply to me. At least so I thought. Apparently, he wasn't getting to know me as a friend, but rather a spouse or something and I was oblivious to it. He was SO unclear about his intentions and approach to our friendship that he was having this internal battle that I knew nothing about, and it resulted in him completely taking away our friendship. His heart got invested I guess (from what someone close to him told me), and he freaked out and ran. That right there, is absolutely not friendship. That's also not trying to pursue someone he's interested in. I don't even know what that is. I still don't know what really happened on his side of things, because we never talked about it in depth (other than the "only get to know each other in groups" conversation). I just dropped it and moved on, he basically told me we shouldn't talk unless it's in person in public. The following Sunday I saw him at church, he came right up to me, he was happy and talked to me like nothing happened. It just doesn't make sense.

A few months friendship, all snatched away. One minute we're friends and the next it's as though we don't know each other. But if we cross paths he makes it seem like everything is great and happy and fun? I don't think so, I don't want to be friends with someone who says one thing and thinks another. I also don't think he really cared about how that would make me feel. I have a hard enough time as it is being in huge social situations and making friends, and he knows that.

In retrospect, I kind of feel like an idiot though . If there were hints of interest, I completely missed them. I feel like everyone else in the world knew what was going on, except me. He never mentioned anything about being more than friends, so I assumed we were just friends and nothing was wrong.



Any input would be nice, other than that I think I just needed to vent and process all that.

Andrew told you he's more comfy hanging out with you in group settings. Why not take that at face value?

If you do, him coming up to chat with you in a group situation (church) like he's comfy (because he is in group situations) sounds like exactly what he said worked for him.

It may work for him, but that doesn't work for me. He knows that I cave in huge groups. He's fully aware I don't do well with that. So it feels like he set some unattainable standard for me. I wish there could be some middle ground like maybe hanging out in smaller groups, which I can do, but he said that's not really an option. So if I'm the only one making some kind of sacrifice, then I don't really want to be friends with him anyway. I guess it's best that we stay merely acquaintances.

Most guys don't hang out with girls just to be friends...they usually want sex and/or a relationship. If anybody says otherwise, they are either naive, in denial, or lying.

I your case, it sounds like his intentions were questionable from the beginning, and things got dicussed between him and other people, and he decided it was a bad idea...which it was.

I don't believe that guys and gals can't hang out as friends, but I seem to have a minority opinion. I think growing up being "one of the guys" had a lot to do with it. I read somewhere that this is common with lesbians who present in a more masculine manner.

There are always exceptions to every rule, but for the most part, it usually doesn't work. I have friends that are women, but I don't actually hang out with them alone.