Problem with closeness + dates

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I have a problem with closeness, as well as fear of rejection, love shy. I’ve never had a relationship. I recently learnt / figured out friendship, had them for a year. I trust my two friends like nobody else but I still find closeness hard but I definitely become closer. When it come to a g/f I feel like a loaded spring if I get closer I'll recoil, which is basically what happens with everything. I really want to find someone who would understand that but would also be intellectually similar. When I decided to focus of figuring out friendship I abandoned my pitiful attempts at trying to get a girlfriend. I figured if I didn't really understand people I should not try to run before I can walk. I was right but I feel I've been complacent of late. I finding it hard to get out of this not really wanting to think about it train of thought. I know that I’m not asexual but there is a 'separation' with reality because of the closeness thing.

I also have a problem with dates. I don't really like them. Well definitely not the formal type. The last time I had anything approaching a date I ended up putting my hands in my food inadvertently and scrupled up my napkin because I was nervous. The best date I had didn't even know the person liked me I just though she was being 'friendly' by cooking dinner. I realised years later (doh!), I meant to cook her diner to just the meat went bad and I forgot. I didn't fancy her anyway. I don't mind dining with a female friends. I seem to get on quite well with girls as friends. It is just so much easier just being mates and not having to worry about date intentions. Also I like girls that are not really bothered if we pay each way, and is not expecting me to be someone I'm not. I think I know someone like that, well definitely the first part. Anyway I find it hard to get attracted to someone unless I get to know them. Like I wouldn't find a stranger attractive. I kind of need to be friends with them first.

The way I approached friends in summary (there is quite a lot of stuff). It I went to 'meets' of an SA site. Then I noticed that people at these meets weren't really getting to know each other because there were too many people. So I went to smaller ones with interests like gigs. Got to know people better. Then still not really made friends I was able to organise these small meets myself or at least get involved. I liked combining newbie’s I liked with people I've met this made it a bit easier. Didn't like everybody but you need to do that to find out. Anyway long and short I ended up meeting up with a group regularly and thought the group dwindled that's how I made my friends. Anytime somebody shows an interest I can add them to the 'tarball' and see how it goes. It is just easier that way. I prefer talking to one or two people at a time but meeting up with just one is harder still. The first time is fine (well not if they are really freaky), It’s the second time, etc that's the problem. Btw I know more than two people just only two of them are 'close'. Both my friends have other friends but I don't. I don't meet their friends that often if at all.

Anyway the reason why I mentioned that is I'd kind of want a potential g/f to hang with my friends first. It just would be a lot easier for the two reason stated. I'm kind of thinking that would work, but now I'm thinking that could be flawed not sure why though. I realise people have different 'circles' like my female friend she is not friends with he b/f friends and I always though this was cool because you can’t all have the same friends. Anyway I find it pretty hard just to ask someone out. It seems so arbitrary to me. Even when it is obvious I just can't do it. That happened to me in school when a girl sat me down with her friends and said 'if a girl likes a boy and she thinks he likes her and is wanting him to ask her out what should she do?' I was nervous and just said she should ask him herself WRONG ANSWER. Anyway she eventually got asked out by someone else. I don't know there was a water fight before that but I don't know what that was about. Anyway I know I shouldn't expect it but I admire any girl that can ask a guy out.

What should I do to make it easier? I don’t think I could do the dating sites. I feel I have to find someone who would understand. I don’t want a patronising woman being all ‘it’s ok’ type thing but really trying to get me to be something I’m not. I like truly independent women not those who talk about it. That’s the type of relationship I’d like. I’d have my stuff, they’d have their, then we would spend time together but just as much so not to drive each other nuts. <-Dreamer

You have to be brave and bold. Just step up to her ask her out to dinner. It may seem extreme, but it is the only way to get a date.

Also must you overcome your fear of rejection.

I managed it with friends I’m just not sure how to do it with g/f. The closeness thing is separate from the fear of rejection. Though I've never done ti I could conceivably ask someone I known a bit. But it seems really hard. The way I'd do it is not say 'date', more 'coffee' or 'meet up'. The more I get to know someone the harder it gets. But also I find asking a stranger impossible because 1. I'm not attracted to strangers so it is like arbitrary (why choose that person?) 2. They might have more reason not to go out with me.

your lucky, they dont even talk to me....lol

0-dude.

I don't know what to offer you mate......except................nothing.

I just hope you do aokay.

I'll try to help, don't know if it will help though. How old are you? Sorta what you are wanting is double dating except your wanting friends along and not another couple. If your young that's easy enough to arrange and you should do it as long as possible so that you might meet someone special. Once you get in your late 20's to 30's other people don't want to do that, so that's why I say do it now.

The kind of woman you describe you want, the independent woman, is the kind that have really good jobs usually in accounting or medical field or are working on their phD. So to get those women you need to be a similar guy; you have to be highly independent yourself and have a good job. Only women with good jobs are independent. Honestly I think it goes the same with guys too. The sapsuckers that want to be with you 24/7 are generally ones without a stable job or home. The independent ones will not do the group dating thing however.

Maybe get someone you know to help you get over your nervousness. Don't do the dating site thing because that will scare you to death to date someone in that situation. People on those sites are either looking for casual sex or with some of the women they are looking for instant provider. I know because I use to do the dating sites thing and couldn't handle the way strangers expect you to sleep with them on first date.

Good luck and keep trying.

i remember joining a dating site.... they claimed to have over 6.5 million people on their books and that if they couldnt find somone for you in 6 months they would give you double your fee back.....

six months later, i got a cheque for around 60 quid......

Thanks for your help. I'm 24. Group dating oh no I'd never do that. EEK! I'm not sure it is really done in the UK. That is pretty formal. I just meant hang out. I'm not sure about your idea of independent women. Often those professional types are not independent I don't think. Like they are independent like they look after themselves but not necessarily independent minded. I find those women a bit shallow they can be bitchy about other women especially. By independent I meant people who do their own thing, not afraid to be different. That doesn't mean they are graduates at all. They don't have to be rich, money isn't independence. Plus you right I'd never match the incomes of the people you are talk about. Maybe medical/phd ok because some of those are not about the money they about the dedication in their field.

I don't think it's unrealistic at all. No guy could meet me if he didn't do it through my friends because I wouldn't talk to guys who just walked up to me cold. Most of my dates were set up by my friends and an old boyfriend found my husband for me. I also would not do the normal date thing. My friends thought I should and I would get up after 5 min and leave becausse I would realize it wasn't going to work. It was a disaster. It worked best when they hung with my group of friends and I got to know them that way. For me intellectual stimulation has to be there for me to have any attraction. I might not be attracted to every guy who intellectually stimulates me, but I could never be attracted to a guy who didn't. I think it sounds like you feel that way.

Anyway, I always hung around with people who had similar interests to me and not arbitrary groups. When I met my husband, we had many of the same interests and some different ones. He's secure enough to do things to get his socializing fix (he's NT). He plays on sports teams and such. He just doesn't expect me to go with him. We do have lots of things in common though and he is very calming to me. We did have issues because I was different, but he's so logical that he just intellectually figured it out and dealt with it. He never made me feel bad about it. That is what you want. I think you are on the right track. Maybe talk to your two friends about this and see what they can assist you with to meet someone. Maybe they can slowly include more people they think you will like. That's what my friends did. They were NTs so they had more experience with this. They understood I didn't have the experience or patience so they helped me out. It worked great for me because they didn't leave me alone in that date thing where all the pressure was on. As a matter of fact, my old boyfriend actually went with me on my first three "dates" with my husband. He knew if I went alone I would freak and botch it, so he went along until we clicked.

I've been married almost 26 years so it obviously worked out for me. I say go for it. So what if it isn't normal NT dating, we aren't NTs.

Cool that helped. Though I don't think my friends could set me up because the are SA so I'd have to do that bit myself.

I'm not sure what SA is? If they have other friends, just keep expanding the circle until you get to NTs and have them help you. NTs think everyone needs to be with someone so just let them make a project. There are always mom type NTs in a crowd. They will take control of it. Just make sure you make your desires in a partner very clear. You know what your interests are and you want some secure enough to do things by themselves some of the time as well. Just let the feelings come after that. Make sure you get the basics down first. You are like me. You want someone you have a hope of being able to stand being around after six months or why bother. I was the same way.

SA is Social Anxiety/Phobia. It means they will have difficulty doing what you described. Me too.

Hmmm Well see if she will agree to just hang out with them. It's going to be easiest if you have an interest in common. If you can find a place where people meet over your interest, you are more likely to find a girl who will actually be able to talk to you and there's a built in group to kind of take the pressure off. Then you could say, "Would you like to come hang out with my friends and I? We're meeting for coffee on day and time." That way it takes it to the next level, but won't seem like so much of a date and she can spend part of her time asking them questions and not just you. Maybe that could work?

Actually that's what I did with friends. I put on the site or responded to gigs. Also there is really cheap free stuff to do in London like radio tv recordings, which works well. I think I've go to complacent mode with the g/f thing it scare the hell out of me.

I also kind of not going on that site any more because I wanted to focus on AS and my other problems. I feel uncomfortable around flirty girls even if they are kidding around Also I am pick I guess. I feel a lack of control things moving too fast is someone is forward. I guess because I’m a bit clueless