Something I'd like to know for future reference.

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All right I'll try to spell this out, this is kind of hard to explain for me. This is a thread about something that happened to me several months ago but it keeps bothering me over how I should've handled it. As you might have been able to tell from some of my previous posts I do not have very much success with the ladies.

When I was fairly new at the college just entering my freshman year I came in with a hopeful attitude, almost expecting that I would make friends and maybe even find a girlfriend. Well, I'm not so hopeful now. I had been studying books about how to make friends and had been practicing my eye contact. Early in the semester there was this girl who seemed to be trying to talk to me. We exchanged eye contact and smiled at each other (I'm not sure how good my smiles were). I never knew what to say though. One day she just came up to me out of the blue to ask me my name. After some things I have read later I am 75% sure that this means she was strongly hinting that she was interested. I told her my name and asked her for hers, and she gave it to me. At this point I know think there was something I should've done differently at this point because we kept doing the same eye contact and smiles but eventually she seemed to become more unfriendly and now I have even noticed that when she sees me she sometimes even seems to try to avoid me. I think she was expecting me to do something and that she was getting impatient waiting for me to do it. My question is, when something like this happens, how am I supposed to respond and what am I supposed to do?

I think you may be right.She was letting you know she was interested in you,you seem to be telling her,you were interested as well.......then nothing.I would imagine it hurt her feelings and she is probably confused as well.Thats not a very fun feeling and she is probably "blaming" you for this confused feelings......You big tease(lol)

I dont think it is to late to remedy this if you want(people can be very fickle)You can write her a note and be completly honest(I love it when guys do that).Tell her that you are interested in getting to know her better,mention anything you like about her (personality stuff not looks stuff....women dont like to feel like a gy is only interested in their looks,even if they spend half their life trying to look better..yes,illogical critters,humans)..........Think of something that you both might enjoy doing....any common interest,alternative movies,video gaming?Give her a specific plan for doing something to together...hike in the park?......Good luck.

So, you just exchanged names and stood there looking at one another? Yeah, that doesn't sound right. I think that you're supposed to start making inane conversation at that point.

Okay.

Yeah. Any girl who does what she did, would have expected you to talk to her.

not that I'm saying you did anything wrong, you didn't.

However, the girl was interested, but the signs, weren't that clear to you. Eye contact is never our strongest level of awareness, and that was the one thing she was hoping you would notice that she wanted something more. You may have gotten a half of it, but as for the rest, it didn't go so well.

Aye. and I'm gonna agree with Krex on this. write her a note, explaining the situation. Tell her that you weren't really expecting anything, and that you're sorry, you would like to remefy the situation, be friends, and leave it at that. go on from there and see what happens.

--Doc.

Maybe she was just being friendly and changed her mind. Does that seem likely?

When large groups of people who don't know each other are thrown into a new situation together, it only takes a short time for the smaller social groupings to crystallize. Maybe if you had made small talk back then, and invited her to do something with you, you two could have become friends. Writing her a note or something now, though- this long after the fact, and now that she has had time to make solid friendships- would probably be weird and would seem 'out of the blue' to her.

Maybe you could find a way to get to know someone who is in one of her social circles, and get yourself a second chance that way.

Was I supposed to talk to her when she asked or try to find a time to talk to her soon after? What was I supposed to talk about?



I think you are right about the letter seeming out of the blue at this point (Besides I wouldn't know where to send it to anyway). I'm curious if anyone thinks I can possibly rectify it with her at this point.

My point of posting this was more to ask what I should do the next time something like this happens. I have had several similar incidents this year (they are getting rarer, I think I'm getting a reputation as cold around campus). I just don't know how I am supposed to handle them, I really would like to return interest but I'm not sure how to do it without coming off as lewd.

Right away is best. Talk about something innocuous like campus events, classes, even the old boring weather. That is the time when you are "sniffing" each other out. You are saying I am a potential friend with this type of small talk. Saying nothing says you are uninterested.

Hmmm. That's interesting. Her timing was pretty strange if that's the case. I was at the front of the line in the campus pub about to order my food, she wasn't in the line and walked up to me just to ask. Was I supposed to hold up the line or leave the line or something?

It caught me by surprise. I froze. I gave her the name and asked for hers but I was kind of caught off guard by the timing. Is there any way to overcome this?

Yes, when she asked your name she was telling you she was interested. (See, I can write this, but I never actually get it when it happens so dont feel bad that you don't.)

Yes, you were supposed to do something. Here's what it is. After she makes a move like that, you have to take it to the next level. So when you just continued with eye contact and smiling, she took it to mean you weren't interested and maybe even thought you were amused by her interest. So, she starts to avoid you because her feelings are hurt.

What you have to do is take to the next level. So, you start talking to her after the name exchange. You know, the chit chat thing we all hate. Ask her what classes she is taking. Does she know what her major will be. Where did she grow up. Does she have brothers and sisters. Is she lonely since leaving home and coming to school. Does she miss her friends. Practice these.

After that, you have to go to the next level. As her out for coffee or sit in a common break area with her between classes. Say something like, "I usually get here 15 min early for class. If you get here early sometimes, maybe we could sit outside and talk."

Three times of that maximum and you better ask her on a real date. It doesn't have to be completely dull. Find out if she likes art, museums (hey maybe she even wants to see Mastodon bones or something), games, whatever. Pay attention to what she says she likes and try to find something in common. You have to do things you both like at some point or your boredom will show.

Okay. So that's enough to get you started. You just got Zanne's guide to dating that she gave to her younger brothers. I hope it works!

Oh man. I missed this! She wanted you to ask her to join you! That's what she wanted. She was basically saying (in that NT non-verbal way), I know you in the whole strange crowd of people, would you like to have lunch with me? You know, it's so much easier when you read this. I freeze just like you and then I just forget it as a strange incident. Later on someone tells me I'm a dolt. Now that I'm reading this, I see me all over the place. So, it's either follow the rules I gave you or wait for someone bossy who just starts telling you what to do (the way my husband did LOL). Maybe you'll have better luck than I did.

Same here. And even if I DO understand at the moment (during long uncomfortable pauses), I still don't have the guts to be inane enough.

I have that problem too! I always think to myself, OMG if I comment on the weather they'll know I can't think of anything to say. The weather is stupid; nobody cares about the damn weather! ...and yet, the weather is all I can ever think of. Occasionally I'll nervously blurt out something about politics, because that's like sports to me, but half the time it's inappropriate and invasive or controversial (So, have you decided who yo're going to vote for?) or they have no clue what I'm talking about and probably think I'm being pompous (Isn't it awful what's happening in Zimbabwe?)

I'm going to resurrect this thread because I just had it happen again today. Twice. In the same place that the original incident happened in.

Because it just happened a few hours ago I can remember it more clearly this time I think.

I was waiting in line while a girl from one of my classes who I've always suspected has a thing for me came up to me in the line and started talking to me, quite inanely, I was pretty sure she wanted me to do something but I couldn't think of the right way to get it out. I tried to have the conversation but it petered out after about a minute because I ran out of things to say and I think social fatigue kicked in and my forced eye contact started to wane.

The second one I might need an interpretation on. The line makes a turn and when I made the turn there was this girl I'd never met but we'd exchanged eye contact before and we made it again as I made the turn. After I got my food I went to sit at the bar because there is a TV there which makes it less conspicuous to sit alone at. This other girl came to the bar and sat not next to me but in the seat next to the seat next to me. I could discern from the corner of my eye that she kept looking at me and was slightly leaning in my direction. She was seriously cute. I have no idea what to do about it though. Every once in a while I have something happen like this and they are always a downer because I know even if I am attracting them, I'll always mess it up.

Honey, just look at her and say, "Hi." Even if you're ready to jump right out of your skin and you want to go hide. These people are going to do it, and at this point, it's better to start practicing something than nothing at all, because you're not going to learn otherwise. And if the girls are heading in your direction, you go, you.

Remember what ZanneMarie said. Say,"Hi," and she'll say "hi," and then exchange names, and talk about little stuff, just to check her out. That's what small talk is for--to see how you respond and how she responds. Then if it goes well, see if she can have coffee sometime, and then if she says yes--PICK A TIME! AND GET HER NUMBER! AND CALL IT THE NEXT DAY TO VERIFY THE COFFEE DATE.

Get that far, dear, go to the Dino-Aspie Cafe thread under the "Getting To Know You Forum," and ask for help...there are lots of wonderful people who can help, like ZanneMarie, and Sinsboldly, and Chuck, etc. Take advantage of those folks. They have COPING skills you can make use of.

Good luck, young man. Just don't choke on your sandwich.

Metta, Rjaye

Yeah. And do it before it gets too late, and you become set in your ways.

I did say hi. For this one...


I already knew her name. I stalled on the little stuff to talk about. She started it out and it died after about two topics and sixty seconds. Then there was an awkward pause.

The "hi" might be a good start for the second one, although I'm afraid I'll stall at the same point.