Marriage, counselling and pre-awareness of Aspergers

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My wife hinted perhaps 5-6 times over a period of 1 year that we should go to couples therapy/counselling. This was before I was self-diagnosed with Aspergers, and I was too afraid to go because I knew I would definitly not be marked as a good husband, and would be told I'd had to change ALOT, and FAST. Luckily I got to know about Asperger's only 1 year after she started asking me to go to counselling, and can work on our problems from that angle, which is much easier.

Have anyone else experienced this (refusing a suggestion to go get counselling like I did) ?

One of the first things I read when I started to research Aspergers and marriage, was that counselling would be counterproductive unless the counseller had experience with Aspergers. So I am glad I refused.

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Edit1:
Perhaps I should elaborate.

I am aware of Aspergers now, and we are communicating much better after just a few months. The first year I would not have had any chance of finding counselors with Aspergers experience, because I didn't know about it(hense the pre-awareness in the title). And also, we did communicate that year I described, but she wanted a third party to decide if our relationship was right or not. And I did not (depression and social anxiety might have been some strong players in that decission on my part).

We still don't have the perfect marriage of course, but we are doing alot better than 18 months ago. Lots of Asperger + Relationship books have helped, and also the very insight in knowing I have Aspergers.

I have not tried looking for counselor with Aspergers experience these last 5 months, no I have not. With so few therapists/psychriatrists/psychologists with knowledge about Aspergers, I see it as a futile endeavor to look for a marriage counselor with Asperger experience.

It does look like things are on the way towards happier days because of the books though, so I am not too worried. I just wondered if apprehension about marriage counselling is common among Aspies / pre-awareness Aspies?
(I should also mention I didn't flat out refuse, I suggested we try talk it out ourselves first)

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Edit2:
I should also mention that my wife is bipolar, and half the time of that year I mentioned she were pregnant. It might have influenced her mood. After writing this, I realize it sounds like an excuse from my side, but I figured since you know about my psych profile, knowing hers would give you a more correct image of our situation.

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Edit3:
Perhaps I should also mention that the 6 first months of the aforementioned hinting about counselling was while she was pregnant, the last 6 was after the baby was born and we hardly slept.

Have you tried looking for a councilor with relevant experience? I imagine they'd be few and far between.

I think that refusing to go to counselling when your wife is consistently and persistently suggesting it is more counter-productive. Clearly, your wife is unhappy in the marriage and you keep refusing to participate with her in something she feels/hopes may be helpful for you both.

What are you doing to communicate with your wife about your marriage?

I updated the first post with this info:

Perhaps I should elaborate.

I am aware of Aspergers now, and we are communicating much better after just a few months. The first year I would not have had any chance of finding counselors with Aspergers experience, because I didn't know about it(hense the pre-awareness in the title). And also, we did communicate that year I described, but she wanted a third party to decide if our relationship was right or not. And I did not (depression and social anxiety might have been some strong players in that decission on my part).

We still don't have the perfect marriage of course, but we are doing alot better than 18 months ago. Lots of Asperger + Relationship books have helped, and also the very insight in knowing I have Aspergers.

I have not tried looking for counselor with Aspergers experience these last 5 months, no I have not. With so few therapists/psychriatrists/psychologists with knowledge about Aspergers, I see it as a futile endeavor to look for a marriage counselor with Asperger experience.

It does look like things are on the way towards happier days because of the books though, so I am not too worried. I just wondered if apprehension about marriage counselling is common among Aspies / pre-awareness Aspies?
(I should also mention I didn't flat out refuse, I suggested we try talk it out ourselves first)

I did, Blownmind, and it basically was the same as all therapy I had attempted before (useless). *But*, I was just married to the wrong person, so ultimately the counselling would have been useless anyway (he was lying and concealing and betraying the whole time, not exactly cornerstones for healthy communication or marriage). I ended up divorcing him; really, I should never have married in the first place (I just didn't know this because I didn't understand the limitations that AS puts on *me*).

I had pushed for the counselling because I was all out of patience trying to talk between us. It never went anywhere, but that's more because he wasn't really invested in the relationship at all (other than materially), and that's not something counselling can fix.

I wish you well, but I recommend what others have said: you need to try to see this through your wife's perspective and perhaps acquiesce to her wishes for a third-party mediator. The mere effort of you doing that will likely go a long way with her. Your stubbornness probably just looks like stalling and "I'm not really willing to fix this" recalcitrance to her.

Explain your AS to the therapist and why you think it will limit your most-effective participation. Perhaps the therapist can tailor a plan for you two.

Before I answer your questions, I should also mention that my wife is bipolar, and half the time of that year I mentioned she were pregnant. It might have influenced her mood. After writing this, I realize it sounds like an excuse from my side, but I figured since you know about my psych profile, knowing hers would give you a more correct image of our situation.

Is your wife trying to understand & learn about your Aspergers with you? I'm very doubtful that marriage/relationship counseling could be much help with an Aspie unless they are all aware & know abit about or trying to understand the AS. The way Aspies think, communicate, show affection & lots of other things are very different than the typical NT way & if the therapist & partner don't know about the AS they won't get how hard the Aspie is trying & they could have unrealistic expectations for him/her & the relationship could look one-sided.

We went to counselling and i don't think it did anything except made us talk while we were there. I still don't know what to do outside of the therapists office. Just started reading about Asperger syndrome and I have to admit I do fit a lot of the elements. I didn't even think about seeing someone with that knowledge until now.

How long takes to complete marriage counselling?Is it really work?

I found about about my AS rather late in life, years after I was married. It explains much of the cause of conflicts.