Help. Worried I'm obsessing.

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Hi. Been on OKCupid for awhile. Met a lot of girls, got nowhere, said meh. Some seemed like greatly compatible types except for location or redating their ex-es or something else along this line, others ended up having some flaw. At any rate, despite a universal rejection rate, I've been able to take it all in stride.

A few days ago, I met a girl online. She lives two states away. I spoke with her, most likely bored her away and probably got rejected. She said she wasn't in mood to chat at the time and might consider it sometime later, so I'm getting the feeling she was trying to let me off lately. For some reason, I'm having difficulty accepting that. She seemed very near perfect, which is why I feel like s**t over it. I hae exams in about 2 weeks so I want some way to effectively ignore her until those are over as the last thing I need is to b***h and moan "girl of dreams just rejected me" while taking a linear algebra exam.

Sigh...any help would be most appreciated.

Focus on the fact that if you met one like that there will be others. So instead of fixating on her, write down a list of what you liked about her. What traits, what interests, etc. That will help you recognize it the next time it happens.

Then, I would write out the conversation as best you can remember and look for the clues of where it broke down. Take the focus off her and just look at the conversation as if it was any girl who clicked with you. When you think you've found where it broke down, see if you can figure out what you should have done instead or maybe post it here so we can help you try to figure that out. That will take it out of rejection and into a learning experience. Write that answer on the list with the traits you liked. Now you have something to study for the future and to help guide you through. Focus on the future and the next girl. Don't let yourself go back to the old girl. You fixate when you convince yourself that is the only one who can ever click with you. You have to convince your mind that if there is one, there is more.

I already know the traits in her I like.
*Similar movie/music tastes, (MST3k, Monty Python, lots of metal)
*She's a gamer. (YAY)
*A polyglot (German, Spanish, Italian, some French, and of course, English), and training to be an opera singer.
*Damn cute.

True, I'm probably looking at this from a shallow perspective (brains and beauty, not really looking at personality type, etc), so that's whats making this funk I'm going through all the more frustrating. Part of me is beating myself up "this is irrational. This is irrational. This is irrational."

I don't think it's irrational. If she's the first one you've really been interested in of course you are going to fixate to a certain extent. You are just excited to get so close to connecting. Now you just have to look at how it broke down and look for the next "fit." It will happen.

If the people fixation is like our normal interest fixations, it will pass after awhile. It's like we have to get saturated with it and then we lose interest. Maybe you can just divert it instead. It's worth a try.

hmm.

Yes? I've come to the conclusion she wants nothing to do with me so I'm saying f**k it. It was just a temporary funk I was in and I feel that much better for having just slept instead. So thanks anyway. If in case she actually isn't repulsed by me, good. If not, big deal.

No. Hmmm is what I say when I don't know what to say.

as of right now, I can say this.

don't use online dating sites.

I've come to the conclusion when it comes to actual dating, online dating sites are useless. OKCupid is OK for making friends and thats about it. So I suppose this ultimately goes back to the olden question I've had awhile back, being "where do I meet women of my type?" Its mainly a case of me needing to get out more and join groups which aren't entirely male.
-My gaming club is all-male.
-As are the local anime clubs (with the exception of some guys' girlfriends; but they don't count since they're taken).
-Fencing has some females.

At home, I spend most of my time either asleep, programming, reading or gaming. I used to go to a gaming store on weekends, but after 2004, EVERY SINGLE GAMING STORE in my county closed down. Wouldn't matter anyways as they were predominantly male. And maybe I'm stubborn, but I'm also ruling out churches, sporting events, etc. just because neither interests me, and concerts (mainly metal, some goth punk, and random weirdness like Ultimate Showdown) and anime conventions I'm ruling out atm for while the general concentration of girls that interest me might be higher than other areas, these events happen too infrequently.

Sigh...anyone got any suggestions?

I'm pretty much where you are. OkCupid is good for quizzes, and s**ts and giggles, but not really something that I'd hope to meet someone through. I wonder what type of gamer you are - if you're a computer gamer, there are lots of online groups, and you might find someone through that; there are a decent number of female computer gamers. If you're a board gamer, like me, you're up the creek without a paddle. There never were many women who were into the hobby (not many men either, but it had to be close to 98% male anyhow). Now, it's just pretty much a bit of trivia in the dustbin of history.

Lets see, what type of gamer I am.

It's about a 40/60 percent mix of PC gaming (and mainly olden games like Starcraft and System Shock 2) and non-electronic gamer. In the latter case, its a mix of card games (like Munchkin, Pimp: The Backhanding, or Lunch Money), board games (Arkham Horror, Betrayal on House on the Hill, Axis and Allies, etc), tabletop wargames (Warhammer, Warmachine, Warzone, Warhamster =P, etc) and roleplaying games (Dungeons and Dragons, GURPS, BESM, Teenagers from Outer Space, HERO...the only one I used to play that I know there ARE females that play it would be Vampire: The Masquerade, and I hate that game).

Not sure if what I'm about to say should go under adult section, but I have a thing for Goth girls. Don't know why really. Maybe they're in general kinkier? Who knows. Also have a thing for artsy types, and at times wonder if I should drive to pick up dates at NCSA...oh well.

I used to enjoy Vampire a good deal. It was one of the first
real decent breaks (along with Amber) from the roll-playing
games which originated in the 70's (sadly most of which just
got eaten alive by D&D - which I always found to have a far
less interesting system).

Never heard of any of the board games (other than Axis and Allies,
which is a heavily simplified version of the types that I enjoyed), but
Arkhem Horror sounds neat - always had a soft spot for C'thulhu stuff.

As board wargamers started becoming more and more scarce, I gave some
tries at the minis games (historical primarily), but most of the guys I knew
who were really into them kind of stuck to the simplest games. Pity, because
some of the best ideas from the tactical boardgames originated in minis.

So yes, as I said, considering that these groups are predominantly male, chances of finding females in such a group are astronomically low. So I need another interest. Or something. Anything.

Yeah. Don't know what to say. 'tis tough.

So my other concern is I am starting to get stalkerish over her, which is the last thing I want to happen considering I caused a lot of trouble a few years about. In other words, I'm not as over her as I want.

Its a shame how easy it was; in the scope of a few hours, I was able to find her name, address, phone, college, AIM, and everything else which the average snoop looks up before trying to determine each and every aspect of their victim's life. If I so desired, I could theoretically mail her anonymous gifts at leisure. So naturally, I'm bummed out over this just because I am repeating my same mistakes again and beating myself up over it. What do I do? Do I just stop contacting her then wait and see if I get over her? Do I tell her "you shouldn't talk to me." I don't want to hurt anyone else.

Might be good at this point to find a counselor close by where you could get these feelings and ideas out so you don't just dwell on them over and over in your head.

Just keep telling yourself that doing that will do you no good and upset her.

Just saw a counselor. She said it would be best to not speak with her for awhile. Figures.