Commitmentphobia

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I thought it was bad when the girls on okc don't reply but when they do reply it's nearly as frustrating. My goal is to be in a monogamous relationship with only one girl - but which one?

Door Number 1 - Yet Another Filipina
After the last pinay dumped me I had a hairbrained scheme to win her back. But when I thought of the callous way she dumped me I realized she wasn't the type of girl I want to be with (even if she is extremely beautiful and won a beauty pageant 2 years ago).

So I started chatting to other pinays. Many responded to me and I had trouble choosing one. Eventually I chose the one I had the longest conversation history with. Many others may be just as good but trying to chat with all of them gave me a headache.

I don't want to be with a girl who's much older than me. People might think we're not matched. But this girl is a lot younger than me. She's 18. You may say she's at a different stage in your life and you're right. She says she's not ready for marriage for five years. Her parents won't consider her independence until she's finished college and had a job for a while.

I guess that's OK because it could take me five years to take a few trips to see her, save up $15,000 then get her through the department of immigration, then save up thousands and organize a wedding (I don't like weddings, not even my own).

It may be one or two years before we even meet and plane tickets are expensive. Being a Catholic means no sex before marriage. I can live without sex but I don't want to be known as the 33 year old virgin. Although if I lost it tomorrow, I'd still feel like a failure. I've been chastised by girls younger than me about that. One time I was told off by a 21 year girl for being too shy. She lost hers five years earlier.

Her personality is very nice and kind. I think her culture is different. The Philippine people I know in real life are very friendly. There's a concept in Catholicism called total-self-giving, which means they dedicate their life to makeing their husband happy. She's so selfless.

They're more friendly. More loving. More giving. They're so nice and sweet, even if they don't always tell me everything I want to hear. She could be the most loving wife I could ever hope for or she could be trying to scam me.

Door Number 2 - The Amazing Disappearing Girl
Last week a girl liked me. I messaged her. Today I saw that last week she had written a long and enthusiastic reply. I guess she got lonely waiting so long for me to respond because it says her account has been disabled. I guess she deleted her profile and I'll never know who she was. I can't even remember what she looked like.

I really liked the long message she sent me because it was mostly about Star Trek. I love Star Trek. She said she was keen to get to know me but now she's gone.


Door Number 3 - The Cougar!
Today I was messaged by a woman who really likes me arcade machine. She loves old games. I think she wants to play on my Atari lol. She's friendly. She's easy going. We get on really well. I think her job as pathologist is really interesting. Just one problem, she's 34 year old!! !

She looks like a 34 year old too or maybe 40. She's not one of those women in their 30s who like they're in their early 20s (I know a few women like that).

She has wrinkles. Big ones. I'm only 28. I look like I'm 24. I have the mind of a 13 year old. In my mind I'm just a scared young boy who's confused not only about dating but many other aspects of life such as whether or not I should buy a house and whether or not I should continue my studies or focus more fully on work.

I can't be with her all my life because whenever I see a couple walking down the street, where the guy is with a really attractive girl I would feel like a failure. That was how I felt when I was dating that obese Chinese girl. I envied guys with proper girlfriends. I tried to prevent my friends from meeting her. One of my friends came over when she was at my house and he was appalled that I would date an obese girl.

I don't want to go through that again. If I marry a girl she has to be really good, not just any girl. But if I wait for a girl who's that good, I might end up being alone, a hundred years old and dead. I'm not getting any younger.

Maybe I should just date her for a while so I won't be the 33 year old virgin. But then I'd be cheating on that nice Philippine girl. But how can she hold me to fidelity when she's not even in the same country? She wants to be my first. That means if I marry the Philippine girl I have to tell people I lost my virginity five years later than I actually did. What's the point of accomplishing something if I can't tell people about it!?

Is it wrong to date a girl if I don't plan to enter into a life-long relationship with her? I can't commit to the cougar because there are so many other nice girls I'd like to date. If I date the couger I'll spend the whole time wondering what might have been if I was with the disappearing girl.

It would be nice to be with a girl who's obsessed with retrogames. The Pinay girl is obsessed with only one thing, me. I don't think she's interested in video games at all. But maybe the couger is just pretending to like retrogames because my OKC profile is also called RetroGamer87. It could be like the times I pretended to be interested in something to chat up a girl. Maybe she's doing that to me.

Door Number 2 again - The Disappearing Girl Returns!
She's back. She re-enabled her profile. I sent her a message. I looked at her profile. She's 29, that's very similar to my age. She's very plain looking and has a giant nose.

Maybe that's ok because I know some guys who are in relationships with plain looking girls and they still seem to be happy. I notice on OKC most of the female profiles in Australia are plain looking girls. I know there are Aussie girls who look very pretty because I see a lot of them.

I think none of them have OKC profiles because they already got asked out in real life. For everyone of those cute couples I see, there's a guy who, unlike me, is not afraid to ask out girls in real life. I really want to ask the girl at work out but I'm nervous. What if she rejects me?

For every cute couple I see, there's a guy who wasn't afraid of rejection. I like the girls at the bakery. I volunteer. I collect bread from the bakery and deliver it to the church for distribution to the needy. The bakery is staffed entirely by attractive young woman! If I ask them all out I'll seem desperate. For every cute couple I see, there's a guy who wasn't afraid of seeming desperate.

In some ways I'd really like to be with a girl who writes long messages about Star Trek. I don't know. Commitment is scary. Even though I want to be in a long term relationship, if I was it would prevent me from dating other girls! That's scary. None of these girls seem perfect but how could I marry a girl I don't like and if I date a girl I wouldn't marry than that's just leading her on, isn't it?

I'm not really into the idea of dating someone 10 years younger. I just lost my love interest (who also happens to be Filipino) to another woman 10 years younger than him, and I still have trouble stomaching the idea of her spending her life with him. (But I don't know about her level of commitment)

I will only date a guy I can commit to 100%.

I don't have issues with commitment, I have issues with women with hidden agendas or aren't being entirely truthful about something BIG.

I f*****g hate women who do that s**t. I don't care how pretty, intelligent, or if you love me, I will not commit to that. Haha.

Women. Can't live with them, can definitely live my life without them. Well, back to doing me 100%.

I think it would be best to forget about these filipina's looking for relationships as a way to immigrate out of their country(seems like you gravitate towards that for some reason), since its likely to just be a means to an end. I mean do you think it would just be easier because they'd be a newcomer to your country so they'd be dependent on staying with you? And do you at all consider language and cultural barriers that could cause clashing? I mean nothing wrong with dating a foreigner but that is going to come with difficulties of its own, and that is if they are genuine and not just looking for citizenship status.

Aside from that no one here can tell you what girl you should go out with, I imagine whichever one you feel the best bond with and are most attracted to would probably make sense. Also its not leading a girl on to date them without planning to marry them.....dating is the process of getting to know the girl to determine if they'd be long term relationship or marriage material, its not a commitment to that girl until you and her decide to be in an exclusive relationship.

Sweetleaf, you always offer such good advice. I remember a couple of years ago I felt down because this girl I dated dumped me. You said I don't need a girl like that and I felt better.

Once again you offer good advice. I should focus on girls in my own country. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. It would be better for me to meet a girl now than wait five years. It would be better if I didn’t have to pay $15,000 in immigration fees.Lots of reasons. The pretty girls in Australia don't go on OKC because they can get a date in meatspace. I look at the girls of OKC and see all the girls who didn't get asked out. That's why they're there (it's my fault because if I wasn't too shy too ask girls out than I could be one of the guys asking a pretty girl out in meatspace).

If I set OKC to show girls from the Philippines than they all look stunning. Maybe because in the Philippines it's not only the undateble girls who have OKC profiles (e.g. this young pinay has lots of suitors from her twin brother's dance group, she could easily get dates without OKC, she already did many times).

They seem to like me. According to another forum, the guys there are chauvinist jerks. They say if a guy treats them with respect it's a new experience for them and they swoon.

Also they say they will be happy to cook my meals and clean my house. It's their traditional upbringing.

Girl Number 4 - Yet Another Philippine Girl
Now there was this Philippine girl who I dumped last month. She was defeated. Her sister texted me to me she was still sad I dumped her. So I decided to chat up her sister. This time I didn't tell her she was my girlfriend. I told her she's my future girlfriend until she makes her way to Australia.Yes. Some of the Philippine girls are extremely conservative about sex, no sex before marriage, etc. But Girl Number 4 is very progressive like her sister. I assume her what she thinks about waiting for marriage and she said it's an idea from last century.

But I still have feelings for Girl Number 2. She's such a sweety. Also she's taller than Girl Number 4. In some ways it's better to date a girl who lives in Australia. Girl Number 1 wants to date me soon and she's the wealthiest. She's an Atari Nerd.

Girl Number 3 sent me a long message that was mostly about Star Trek, which I really enjoyed reading. I like Girl Number 3 more than Girl Number 1 because she's nerdier and more talkative and younger and slightly less ugly.I hope so. I told Girl Number 4 to come to Australia as soon as possible to show her commitment.I want to be in lifelong, monogamous relationships with all of them JK.

Seriously the one I feel the strongest bond with is Girl Number 1. Partly because I've been talking to her the longest. A bond builds over time. I've never felt such a strong bond except with Michelle (I'm fighting the temptation to text her again, I felt like she was my soulmate but she hurt me).

Any way I really like Asian girls but I also really like tall girls. I tried to find an Asian girl who's at least 6 feet tall but OKC return zero matches. I know 6 foot tall Asian girls exist because I see them in Chinatown all the time.That actually makes me feel a lot better. Once again you offer good advice. I must stop thinking in black and white. I thought about it at work and got more confused. Then afterwards I chtted up my ex's sister and felt even more confused. Thanks for helping me think more clearly.

Stop proposing to foreign girls you've never met in person.

Concentrate on dating women in your area - or, if you must, go on vacation to the Philippines and meet a girl in person there.

I had started reading your long post, but I stopped after realizing you're stuck on just looks again. You probably just need to date awhile and forget about marriage - I don't think you're ready for it.

Yeah, I do that. I focus on looks. I know a few people with hot girlfriends, especially my half-brother. His girlfriend trumps them all. She's tall, thin, graceful, elegant, with porcelain skin and lots of charisma.

How could I face my friends or my half-brother if I was dating an ugly girl? (in case you're wondering, yes some of my friends are that shallow). What did they do to convince a hot girl to like them? I expect that hot girls probably have higher standards for the guys the go with.

My half-brother's girlfriend posts on Facebook about what an amazing guy he is. I've known him for all his life, he's kind of bland, although, because he plays a lot of sports he's in a better state of physical fitness than I am. Maybe hot girls just like fit guys.

One of my old friends has a long-term hot girlfriend and he's very thin, he's not muscular and he has a long face that looks like a wrinkled horse. Maybe thin girls like thin guys.I couldn't agree more. I'd love to date a while before proposing but the stupid Visa requirements say that for a subclass 300 visa to work, you have to married a relatively short time after she enters the country.

Why can't Australia just have open borders with all the countries that have attractive Asian girls?Ok, I've been talking to girl number 2, who lives in the local area. I've been talking to her a lot over the last week and she's really nice, fun and friendly.

She's an Über-Nerd who likes talking about Star Trek. I love that

She writes messages with dozens of paragraphs, which is fine. She was really impressed by my job, mostly that I have a job in the first place. She refuses to date unemployed guys, which is fair enough. My plan of getting a job to impress girls is working

I won't worry too much about how she looks, about how she's older than me, has a big nose, is overweight and worst of all, she's short. I'll try not to think about how much I like girls who are six feet tall. When I'm with her I'll try not to think about other girls at all and try to focus on her.

I looked at her profile again and it said she wanted someone to go out for dinner or dessert with. I'd love that. I love restaurants and I love dessert even more. I'm glad that she actually likes dating, not like those OKC girls who talk for ages but don't actually want to meet for some reason.

I was just about ask her out for a nice weekend date but she stopped talking to me. My message was sent on Thursday. It says "read" but she didn't respond

So sad now. I wanted to go out with the nerd girl

You know, they wouldn't need to date you to enter Australia then.

Is it just me that's totally turned off with how you're making your decision about who you want to go out with? I keep hearing all the negatives - girl #2 is short, fat, has a big nose, is older than you. What's her positives? I'd hate to think a guy who goes out with me has all those negatives already in his mind and is even going to "try" not to look at other women. I'd leave the poor woman alone and let her find someone who is generally interested in her for more than just her looks.

I thought you were too young for "Let's Make a Deal" with Monty Hall.

Have you ever seen that show? It sounds like you have.

I enjoyed watching it--and the funny costumes people used to wear.

Have you gone out with any of these girls? It sounds like you haven't in which case you're totally jumping the gun. You should go out with them all and decide based on that.

Nothing wrong with someone caring about looks. That's his preference and telling him he shouldn't care about looks isn't going to change who he's attracted to.

There's a Vast difference between wanting to be attracted to the person you're dating (including inner attraction) - which will hopefully increase as you get to know more About the person inside, and every sentence and focus being about external dazzling beauty ratings, willingness to be a servant, and how hot others will rank her. They are human beings, not jewelry.



No, it's not just you. I'm not anywhere involved in this list and just reading it makes me feel bad.



Why does dating mean it has to be a girl in another country?

You said you have the mind of a 13 year old, and bluntly, the focus here does sound like a guy who's maybe 16. It's concerned exclusively with every potential physical "flaw" you can find and/or someone else might see in the person.

Dating and marriage are not about what your friends think of her, nor Just what she looks like. Marriage is for a lifetime..it doesn't matter how pretty someone is now, Everyone's looks fade and then what do you have? You end up living with someone you can't stand who doesn't share interests, doesn't inspire or encourage you, doesn't brighten your life in any way, and can't stand you either. Marriage is love..of the entire person..through health and a whole lot of sickness..through unemployment and crappy jobs..good and bad..a best friend through life.

The nerd girl could be that person..if you could see her..but it sounds like you have to psyche yourself into going out with her -*despite* her thousand flaws and all future references about her will be about similar to the "corpulent chinese girl".. She'll be the "corpulent big-nose girl". Thus like nurse said, she's better off finding someone who can see beyond that, not despite it; or someone who likes those " flaws" - because they like her and it is part of her.

Before even beginning to think about marrying anyone, maybe think about who/what you seek in a relationship - beyond perfect looks and what someone else might think.but what really matters -to you-. Do you want someone kind? Intelligent? Funny? Geeky? Religious? A homebody? A socialite? Do politics matter?

You'll be the one spending your life with this person, not a current friend or a stranger on the street. What they think is irrelevant.

Any choice involves the loss of other choices. The panic that there might be someone 'better'. There may well be, but that doesn't mean what you choose can't be a great choice, indeed the right choice. It's not as romantic or appealing as the notion of 'the one', but there's probably quite a lot of women you could make a go at a relationship with. What matters is the one you find, who finds you, and what you do with that opportunity.

You don't sound like a man who wants a partner. You sound like someone who wants a 'hot' maid who'll share your bed so you can compete with your friends and half-brother over 'pulling power'. A man concerned what his friends and half-brother may have to say about his beloved's appearance is not a man ready for a lifelong partner, a wife.

You don't sound ready for anything past dating. I don't doubt some of that is lack of experience, and there's not really a way round that but experience. We can change our perspectives through reflection and open-mindedness, but the more direct way is experience.

People - yourself and myself included - like what they like for myriad reasons. Puzzling on that won't get you anywhere. What I have found is that, in attraction, there comes a point where looks don't really matter (in my case, physical appearance that has me agog is quite separate from I-want-us-to-do-sex-things attraction) except in the negative, where there is something that is just too unattractive that you can't get round. The person becomes physically attractive because of who they are. Looks fade far quicker than character or humour or strength or smarts.

And when you finally get there: it's one thing to start a relationship. Quite another to maintain it.

I think 100000fireflies is right - think about what you want, not what you think will most impress your friends. I think you'd be best served with the 'nerd girl's of the world. But for the time being, they are not best served with the RetroGamer87s of the world.

Girl #2 has many positives.

For example;I still want to date her. Dating a nerd girl sounds like tons of fun As Doctor Becker says, "The heart wants what the heart wants". A few reasons;
1. Asian countries have more Asian girls
2. There are less obese people in Asia
3. Foreign girls seem to be nicer and kinder
4. I'm nervous to ask girls out in meatspace
5. Although, there are many pretty Australian girls, none of them use dating sites

I'm just an ordinary man so in Australia, the really beautiful girls may be out of my league. In places like the Philippines or Vietnam, I don't look so ordinary. To them I seem exotic. Over there I'm a lot taller than the local guys. And those girls love blue eyed guys.

I know it may seem unkind for me to comment on obese people but obesity is a harmful disease. Do you expect me to be attracted to disease? Obese people are not healthy and physical attraction is based on indicators of health. Is it so wrong to be attracted to healthy women?

Remember that obese people have their lives shortened by about 15 years. I don't want to be with someone who's going to die younger than me from a heart attack or diabetic shock.

I enjoy going for long walks through nice scenery. I want a girl who can join me, not one who gets puffed out after five minutes walking.

Aside from that, obesity is unnatural. It's only possible with the modern western diet. For the majority of history, there were very few obese people because most people didn't have access to copious quantities of highly concentrated sugar.

I hope one day in the future, sugar will be reclassified as an addictive, toxic substance and then the average weight will return to the healthy medium that it was for most of history. Future generations will mock us for putting concentrated sugar in food just as we mock people who lived a century ago for coating boiled candy with lead or treating headaches with cocaine or radium.

Anyway, why should I pretend to be attracted to a feature I'm repulsed by? Even if I was repulsed by redheads (I'm not), does that mean I would have to date a redhead and pretend to like it? So why fault people for favouring qualities they're attracted to?Wow, that's an improvement of 3 years Yes, that's why I thought it would be a good idea to date that 18 year old. Her looks won't fade for a long time. More than a decade from now, she'll still be in her 20s.

True I wouldn't want to be a 60 year old man with a 20 year old girl. We would look like a very odd couple. But on the other hand, I don't want to be in the reverse situation. I don't want to be a youthful looking young man, walking hand in hand with a middle aged looking woman (girl number 1).Yes and girl number 2 has many shared interests.But no one is perfect. No one is flawless. Should I love their flaws?I hope so No that's not the reason I can't see her. I can overlook her flaws. I can see her without having to "psyche myself into going out with her", in fact I'd go out with her in a heartbeat.

The reason I can't see her is that she stopped responding to my messages just before I was about to ask her out

I think the reason may have been because I took too long to ask her out and that caused her to dislike me.No, she's slightly overweight. Corpulent means obese. She's nowhere near as fat as that Chinese girl. That girl had a BMI of 42. She was extremely unhealthy. Her sore swollen feet made me suspect she had undiagnosed diabetes.Yes, yes, yes, yes, no, no, yes, no.Ok, I won't worry about other people think of her looks. What about what I think of her looks? Should that be a factor? Yes it's like risk vs reward. Like poker. Should I play my hand or draw?Really
So I'm not an un attractive dork afterall
I want those things and a partner.

As for partner-as-maid, I'm not sure. Some of the Phillipine girls say they want to do all my housework for me.

When I'm at work and I say I'm bad at cooking and ironing, some of the older women at work say I need to get married if I want my cooking and ironing done.

If I was with a girl who worked full time, I couldn't make her do all the house work. It should be a 50/50 split.

On other hand if I was with a girl who didn't work, I couldn't think of a 50/50 split as being fair.No I'm not ready for a wife, I don't want to get married yet. It's just the visa requirements say if I was with a foreign girl we'd have to get married very quickly.I'm not.

I know men who married younger than me but unfortunately I'm not as mature as they are.

Maybe I wanted to rush because I was concerned about my age. I didn't want to marry late. I didn't want to be immature.

Another reason is because, while dating I feel sort of guilty if it's not for keeps. I feel like I'm leading her on. I know dating isn't supposed to be a massive commitment but I don't want to lead her on.