NT/Aspie couple, Aspie doesn't want kids, but NT does

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Hi!

I'm a 28 yo NT female dating a 27 yo Aspie male (probably wouldn't fit criteria now but did as a kid). We go along perfectly in so many ways, but today I've just learned that he doesn't want to have kids - ever.

Now this would be a deal breaker for me, as I know I would regret not having a child and cannot realistically envision a future without doing so. I literally work with infants and have been thinking about having kids since age 20. I know that the logical decision would be to break up with him, but I like him too much to not think twice about this.

Besides the cliche reasons (money, freedom) it looks like his real reason for not wanting children is his own unhappy childhood: he says that his parents are amazing, he got lots of help and therapy, but was still miserable as a child - and thus does not wish to have children. He didn't want to elaborate further. This really breaks my heart that he was so unhappy at the time. He is now a grown adult with a fulfilling life full of interests and passions. Of course I had thought about the possibility that if we had a child he/she may have autism - but I was OK with that. What I wasn't questioning is the assumption that a child with autism could have a happy childhood - I thought that was a given, with appropriate nurturing of course. Plus, if one of your own parents has Asperger my assumption is that that would make growing up much easier.

I'm not sure how to approach the subject with him. On the one hand, I'm not that young anymore and probably won't change my mind about having children. So I should respect his decision and break up with him. On the other hand, if he just needs time to come to terms with his own childhood - this is fair enough, I can be patient, and he is worth the wait.

He says we shouldn't worry about it before we have been together for a year or so. Does this mean he could reconsider? Again I'm not that young anymore and would prefer to not get too attached to this wonderful man if our relationship is doomed to end a year from now.

Is it common for people with Asperger/HFA to not want kids for fear of passing it down? Is he right to think that if you have Asperger/HFA (enough to require special Ed, occupational therapy etc.) you cannot have a happy childhood?

To be clear, my own childhood wasn't all nice and happy, but I have some fond memories and do not attribute the bad aspects of my childhood to my own genetics - so i can't really relate to his situation.

If he doesn't want to have kids because of fear of passing his autism down, you could discuss getting a sperm donor or adoption

I agree with nick007. That is a good compromise. You can still have children, but they do not need to be his genetic offspring for you both to raise them as your own.

It's not the only solution, but it's good to be aware of your options. Consider getting some counseling to see about other solutions and maybe find out more about his needs and desires and how they can be reconciled with yours.

Thanks. I thought about that too but wasn't sure how to bring it up - we've only started dating about a month ago or so it's a bit awkward to talk about sperm donors or adoption.

Just be aware that there may be other reasons. Despite the autistic penchant for honesty, we don't always share our true feelings (in part because a lot of us aren't very good at understanding them ourselves). So he might not go for it. It might also be too soon to bring it up, but that's something you'll have to figure out.

I still think it's something to keep in mind, this is clearly very important to you!

Thanks. Indeed it turns out that having this discussion revealed that we think differently about the future and even though he likes me he wasn't necessarily envisioning long term plans. I like him very much but it looks like I need to be more careful.

The pressure or idea of having children can be distressing to anyone, I am sure that all people go into it with a degree of uncertainty. Children can be very dynamic and unpredictable, that isn't good for someone that is static and requires a lot of space so you have to take that into account.

I know that the biological clock is ticking, but bringing up kids when you've only been seeing someone a month os a bit abrupt, don't you think?

That aside, the best way to deal with a situation like this ib my opinion would be to ask him whether he has any flex room for kids or not. If he says no, your best bet is to move on. If he says yes, perhaps you can discuss possible solutions for potential problems.

He was partially the one to bring the subject up. I've been going off the pill for various reason, he asked why, one of my reasons is that I want to have kids someday, he said he didn't want to have kids ever... And that's how it started

If he is totally set on not having children, and you are entirely set on having children...may be best if you guys do go your separate ways. Better now then after months or longer of being together and growing even more attached. Maybe part of it is his childhood....maybe he also just doesn't want to raise/take care of kids or deal with having them around. Either way if he's 27 and says he doesn't at all want kids, I doubt he's going to change his mind.

I myself do not want kids for a number of reasons, nothing wrong with it but certainly not for me.

Yes I agree that this is the only logical decision. I like him very much and everything else has been a dream come true in this relationship - so it looks like I was merely trying to find "excuses" to stay with him despite this long-term incompatibility.

It's best to have a talk about those important deal breakers early on, so you don't get to emotionally invested in someone you have a very basic incompatibility with. Within the first few weeks of dating someone I would want to know if they want kids, where they want to live, and what their core values are, so that I know if investing more time and emotion is worth it because there might be a chance of a successful LTR. If not, best to move on before you get invested.

Things like whether a person wants children or not are not usually negotiable, so it's better to know early on. That's why I think it's a good idea that most online dating sites ask questions like that, so you can know before even agreeing to meet someone whether you have those goals in common or not.

Thanks for your support. We're still communicating, so we'll see what happens next.