Terrified of being in a relationship - aspie trait or me?

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Hi all,

Just wondering if anyone else had issues with relationships? I generally don't feel a need to jump into one as I'm quite happy on my own. But then I will meet a guy with whom I somewhat feel it might work. But then they seem to want too much contact, too fast and I want to run away (panic attack-like feelings). I'm quite busy at work and taking care of my parent who has a chronic illness and need all the time I can spare just to recharge. I really wanted to make it work but feel like I'm on the verge of total shutdown burnout after dating for three weeks now. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to get back to aspie burnout hell.

Question one: how do I communicate that I am incapable of dating / a relationship at the moment without hurting the guy's feelings? All options seem to be pretty lose-lose.

Question two: is this normal for aspies? Or is yet another thing wrong with me?

Question three: could it be that I'm just not cut out for dating / relationships?

Thanks so much!! !

Maybe you're just not ready for a relationship right now.

It's best to be honest to a person at the outset. Just tell him you're not ready for a relationship. If you tell him that after a few dates, he might feel that you were "leading him on."

I don't think it's an "Aspie trait" not to want to be in a relationship.

Maybe you just like to be alone. There are people like that. Some of them are Aspie; some of them are not.

It's not just an Aspie trait. I've been down on myself a lot lately trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I think I have a phobia to commitment. Actually, that's probably just one thing. I keep wondering what people think about me - like my neighbors and my co-workers. They probably all wonder why I haven't been married and have no kids. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT! And now I think it's too late. Life is passing me by. I'm Hunnyless and friendless.

There are guys out there just waiting for a Nurse like you.

Is it really leading on if you sincerely hope it works out?

And yes, you're probably right about preferring solitude. I'm happiest snuggled up on the couch with a good book and/or in a giant library.

But it is not perceived as socially acceptable in any way to choose the single life and sometimes I do wonder if couples are happier.

Then again, getting to know someone and sensing their expectations - while being fully aware that I will never be able to live up to them - is exhausting. Plus, most of my attempts ended up in the other party trying desperately to control me. Emotions are messy and confusing. So maybe I'll just have to break social convention one more time . I'm sure the list can handle one more entry.

I think it is true that aspies need more time alone and recharging than average people. This can be worked into a relationship of your partner understands and accepts this. Do,you know what level of contact you would feel comfortable with. There may be a compromise here if you both want to,make it work.

It's not "leading on" if you hope the relationship works out.

I definitely wasn't saying that you would be "leading on" a guy if you didn't want to date him after a few dates. I was saying, basically, that this is what guys frequently think.

I can relate. More not knowing how it could work.

Also not wanting to mislead.

Did you see my threads on dependency? I made a poll about this.

I've got great friends, so it's not social anxiety. It's more of a - this is too much pressure / I want it to work but I am not ready/strong enough/good at this - kind of thing... He put me on a pedestal and likes me too much too quickly. Thereby bringing me to the conclusion that I will inevitably disappoint.

Thing is he would be great for me (as far as I can tell), which is why I want to try; but the process is so messy and confusing (dating) and I really need to focus on my work (project is coming to a close within a year). So far I've spent more time stressing than enjoying. So I guess I know what to do, but it sucks that he's going to resent me (maybe better now than later though) and that I am probably sabotaging a potentially wonderful thing.

It's a damned if I do and damned if I don't situation .

I know what you mean. I don't like it when people "go too fast," either.

It's understandable what you feel.

Yep the pedestal thing is never good.

I think it is best to dissuade that attitude.

Also I agree, what's the rush?

I really like your avatar.

Ok thanks, I think I know what to do. Just... How to put it . I don't want to hurt him. He doesn't deserve it. Pfff I should probably move up our next meeting (was next Saterday) to this week, because a text probably won't cut it...

And Derpette ftw Took me forever to find a blonde version

Wow, I actually feel lighter. So weird!! ! Thanks!! !! !

Don't cut him off completely....tell him you like him, but you need some time alone, too.

Isn't that just going to confuse him and hurt him more in the end?

I thought you liked him---but wanted to take it slow.