Dating help please

Post Reply New Topic

Hi all,

I have been dating a guy for a bit under a year, we met on the internet and are both 40ish. He lives some 250 miles from me, travels (within the country) for work, and has a young son, so we have not spent much time together. We enjoy spending time together (when we can); have recently disclosed that we like each other, that there is chemistry, we enjoy the same things (which he has not had with a partner before), and he mentioned - when I asked about the future - that he would like to think that we could have something more in the future (this is something that I really want too).

However our dating is a difficult hurtful and a very confusing process for me … with mixed messages. In particular, each tiny bit of progress is followed by a period of withdrawal (recently 2 weeks, previously 6 weeks …) which terminates with a ‘you are lovely however with work and <his son’s name> I see no time for us’. We contact each other on WhatsApp and occasionally by phone, but during these periods of withdrawal he does not respond to my small number of ‘nice’ messages (or a phone call) even though he is quite active online chatting with whomever. Also he will receive my message but not read it for a day or so. He seems to just carry on his life without me. Can anyone relate to / recognise this behaviour? He says there is no one else and I assume, given what I have said in the first paragraph above, that it is not that he does not like me (but of course it could also be an option and he just doesn’t know how to tell me). Maybe he really is just too busy to date me and he is walking away?

I have been discussing my confusion with a dating coach since the end of last year. From early on she recognised traits of Asperger’s based on my accounts of specific situations – not only in terms of communication which is my focus here but other traits too. I have done some research myself looking at reliable resources about Asperger’s on the internet and have read “22 Things a Women Must Know if she loves a man with Asperger’s Syndrome” and I can see where my dating coach is coming from. There is so much more to this story than i have described here, and I am in no way trying to label the amazing guy who I am dating (actually I am not sure if we are dating or not), or offend anyone on here … I am just looking to get some perspective on my confusion / the above communication struggles from an Asperger’s informed community please in case you can help me. I just don’t know what to do. If he does not want to be with me then that is one thing, but if this is not the case I would like to try everything possible to make this work.

Aspies aren't known for multitasking. Or, to put it bluntly, focusing on his kid would be expected. But, Aspies have markedly different and varied skillsets--which means that if you know one Aspie, you only know one Aspie. We can't tell you what is really typical in your situation. I wouldn't think you could find many situations of single male Aspies raising a kid on this site--nor anywhere else.

Aspies tend to get overwhelmed after awhile by too much social interaction & that can include relationships. They need some time away to decompress & process their thoughts. Replying to messages can also be draining for us. It's possible he is into you but just needs lots of space to deal with his son, work, & time to himself.

Thanks both,
Is it possible that he would just shutdown from our 'relationship' but still carry on being in contact with friends and working hard and doing his activities and spending time with his son as usual?

People on the autism spectrum do like regular routines and have "comfort zones."