Any advice for an NT?

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Hi. So I am a lady who has discovered a lovely and special friendship with a man with aspergers. I am understanding better, but still slip up,expecting him to react in the same way as me to situations. Sometimes prodding him for answers to emotional questions about how he sees me or how he views our friendship. How do I stop myself from being irrational and feeling more secure in our friendship?

I guess I want to know how can I know he likes me without digging with questions that make him uncomfortable . . . ..

Probably just go with the flow. Men, in general, don't like to talk about "feelings." I hope help has some sense of romance. It's Valentines Day tomorrow.

I don't like Valentine's Day, and we're not dating but he is very special to me. He does all sorts of sweet thing like giving me gifts when we meet, texting me good night every evening, both of us opening outer Xmas pressies at same time on Xmas day . . .. He told me he cares, and that I make him smile. I guess I should trust feelings more?

Yep....If an Aspergian gives you flowers, it's pretty serious.

He gave me a little box with many gifts in it . . .. .i feel v cared for

I will . . .. I promise . . .. He is v special to me

as an ASPIE male myself... i can tell you 100% that it is more than just liking YOU a lot...

AS far as how he feels? If he avoids this question etc etc, then its simply because he doesn't want to open his heart to you and get destroyed by it ( i am not meaning to scare you by the way)

So, if you DO return those feelings... then tell him (slowly) if you DON'T then please let him down... now... (but VERY VERY gently!)

all the besst

EDIT: the way you should approach it is simply like: YOU: *so how are you doing [name]* converstation continues.... YOU: * I don't know if i am right or wrong by asking you this, but do you have feelings for me?* (if he gives you the blank look explain how YOU honestly feel... Gently (whether you Love him or not)... if he say *well... i do actually kind of more than like you but... etc etc* then as i say be very gentle with him

Thank you for you advice . . .. . .we have had a few conversations . . . . I once said it was different to my friendships with other males. He jumped in quickly to say "yes it is very different" I also told him I was confused and unsure because I care for him very much. He replied "well I care for you too so it is all good"
It is a complicated situation which is difficult to explain, but rest assured I really really like and care for him. If i do ask him a direct question he will often decide it's time for him to go to bed or,just make a joke. .. . .. He is very funny. I don't like to push him . .. . .. He knows I care . .. . He has told me he "gets" that I care for him.

And I am equally wary of getting my heart hurt . . . ..

Aggggghhhh it's all so difficult and confusing though. . . .. . .. . When I'm tired and emotional like tonight I start reading everything as if he doesn't really like me that much. I feel like I'm a nuisance and a drain on his time. Even though logically I know this isn't the case. He always texts me first in the day. He always texts me goodnight. I know he finds emotions difficult to discuss but I find myself digging for answers when I'm feeling vulnerable, then he feels like I'm criticising him . . .. . .

I think he does like you dearly! But probably like myself he has no idea that you may like him also, we dont have a very good radar for that! and may seem like we dont care but inside we are breaking up! lol.... Also he seems to view you as a really good friend and likely will be very fearful that he may destroy that by doing something that he would percieve as stupid... but its just his fear of rejection i think.... I hate to say it, but if you do feel strongly towards him, then i think it will have to be yourself that makes the first move!... maybe work slowly... See if he accepts your touches, ie, start on the side of the arm, he may at some point mimic this if he feels comfortable, then maybe the uper part of the back and maybe a brief hand on knee area, in a conversation... Touch can be a huge thing for an aspie in many ways, for me i get an all over body tingle and sometimes it makes me freeze up... but if he feels close to you, he might also feel this but still want that closeness..... Its a hard one as the spectrum is so large and people with react differently, but if he accepts small and brief touches then i think you are 99% of the way there... Also if he is able to hold eye contact with you more than others, its also a good indication he feels comfortable around you!.... As a thought, it may or may not work... but maybe get each other face to face and look into each others eyes for about 5 mins without saying a word, then at the end just hold him on both cheeks and give a small kiss on his forehead (third eye)... as the eyes can say more in 5 mins than 5 days of conversation... but will emphasis that he may or may not feel comfortable with this... but doesnt hurt to try! Just understand that he doesnt like to feel the way he does at times and will seriously want to connect with you, but it truly is a disability that cant be overcome 100%, cognitive flooding doesnt work and only makes it worse, so easy small steps ... He will likely have a lower self esteem and will be afraid that he is going to cock it all up , so to speak... but the fact he sends you messages and gifts constantly, tells me he adores you greatly! He just doesnt know how to show it! and yes sometimes talking about emotions can be a stress trigger! maybe talk about that later when you make first contact its a very hard thing for an aspie to articulate, it can leave them very vulnerable, and we tend to get used by people alot, so he will have a trust issue going on aswell... but if you can break those barriers slowly and carefully, you will likely both blossom and he may see you as a special interest and will likely do anything to make you happy! and dont take any bluntness personally! he is only expressing the logic he sees! its a give and take thing! trust me when i say that he is making every effort to understand you, however it is rare that NT's will try to understand aspies... just be kind and patient! and if things dont work out, please, please communicate with him in a compassionate, empathic way.. as the damage that can be done by being cold, can have long lasting and often permanent negative effects for many on the spectrum!

Wow thank you Uncle what a great reply, it really really helps. The touch thing is improving . .. He does give me long hard bear hugs (which are the best in the world) and has begun to give me little kisses . . . I just feel that on occasions like last night our differences are so prevalent. I start emotional illogical rubbish, and he runs back into his cave and slams the door. I know I'm doing it and get cross with myself. I do really understand we are just completely different and I view that as a really good thing. We compliment each other perfectly, and he understands me more than almost anyone. . . . .

Good, im glad he understands you, now the biggest thing is to understand him! It sounds like you are doing great! Just go slow and steady! For many on the spectrum like to get to know the person first, often over a long period, not all of us are know for jumping into the bedroom straight away! hehe.... He will no-doubt have a lot of insecurities, trust me, growing up can be pure hell for many if not most on the spectrum, and TRUST becomes the biggest issue. he has barriers there for a reason and a good reason at that! As the emotions of those on the spectrum are known to be highly amplified to NT's... Always be honest!! ! As im sure he will with you As mentioned dont take his sudden moods swings personally, there is very little middle ground for those on the spectrum, can feel totally connected one second, then a smell a past experience etc can give a sudden anxiety attack and may want to retreat, It can be very ""black and white"" so to speak... Also, the retreat, allows him to calm down/stim... and he may not want you to see this, it can feel embarrassing/humiliating for some, only because of past judgments... but may also have a Zillion things going through his head and was just an overload, in a way that cant be explained at that moment in time, and rather than face trying to explain something on the spot that he wont be able to do, retreating is a way to work the jigsaw puzzle out thats going on in his mind.... its a tough one for me to say, but from my own experience and many ( not all) we have a tendency to carry alot of hurt and pain, in a way it is with us all the time!! and when in a position where things can have the possibility of being awesome, its a HUGE gamble for those on the spectrum, because if things dont work out, the pain that follows is more than you could imagine! its pure hell! and doesnt go away very quickly, sometimes its months even years, and some never... So YES he definitely likes you in a big way, and right now he will inwardly feel he has everything on the proverbial line! We can be targets for undesirable individuals,especially narcissists, sociopaths and even psychopaths, aswell as other not so nice spectrum's, we in essence are food for them... We can be too trusting in many ways, and when people suddenly change, we have to make sense of what is going on, it is a very hard road for many aspies! Just be kind, sincere, honest, and communicate with him the best you can, and in time, he will open more, the more you understand him, the more in time he will see that, and for an aspie, being understood to some degree is the biggest gift you can give them! But also have to say, there are reasons why we sometimes do things, however they can never be used as an excuse!! !! i am only giving my point of view, and am trying my best not to speak for others on the spectrum, as with NT'S we are all different in different ways Was just throwing you my 5 cents

I love your advice. It really helps me. I do as much as I can to let him know I really do care. I constantly buy him little gifts I know he will like. I always apologise when I know I have stressed him with being over emotional or needy. I understand his need to have time to,himself hence I always wait for him to initiate conversations so I don't feel like I am invading his down time. When we are out I never comment on any stimming, zoning out or reaction to touch, loud noises, bright lights etc . . .. I hope I am getting things right. In return he really tries when I am emotional to,be there for me, and he does a good job. He knows that sometimes when I am feeling low he is the ONLY person who can make me smile. He knows this means the world to me. As I've hinted before our situation is complicated and makes a difficult relationship even more complex. This forum is so helpful to me. Other NT friends say things like "he's just not that into you" or he just wants you to be his counsellor. The counsellor thing is so,far off centre it is laughable. He is about the only person in my world who asks nothing of me. As for him not being into me, I can feel he cares when we are physically together, BUT . . . . it becomes more difficult when we haven't seen each other for a couple of weeks and our only communication is via texts etc. this is when I started doubting myself and him. . . ..