Are These Scary Questions?

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So, I've been talking to a girl I met on Tinder for a couple days, and we've been getting along all right. Today I asked if she wanted to meet and see a movie, and she said yes. This spurred me to ask a few other questions, like, "Are you looking to find a boyfriend, or just someone to hang out with?" (she said she was open to dating), and "How many dates do you like to go on before you decide you like someone enough to have a relationship?". It wasn't until later that I realized how scary those questions might be, especially since we haven't even met face to face yet. Thing is, I hate going into a situation blind. Meeting a girl and not knowing what she's looking for is scary for me, and really frustrating too. How long does she expect me to wait before she makes up her mind? Plus, I've never had a girlfriend before so I have no idea how these things usually work. So what do you think, are those kinds of questions bad?

I don't believe you should ask the questions you asked until you've been on a few dates with a girl.

She might not even know the answer to them!

Just talk about your family, or stuff you're interested in (but don't lecture! LOL)

People will be afraid of your open and honest attitude.

I share the same mindset and just want to know this stuff, but most people desire something more natural and less pressuring.

Sometimes I like to keep things natural, but when that happens it usually doesn't work out and they only consider me a friend.

Just hope you've still got a date. If she cancels with some excuse, she's lost interest.

That's okay. Sometimes it's all about trial and error, so long as you learn from your mistakes, you'll be just fine.

Yeah, she hasn't replied in a few hours. I think I scared her off

Maybe write her a little note apologizing for being intrusive?

Maybe she'll bite?

When I think of Northwest Arkansas, I think of the Ozarks.

It might not have been the questions that scared her off, maybe though. Women are notoriously bad at following up on actual dating on Tinder, think it's an embarrassment thing about actually meeting someone on Tinder. I know, I used Tinder the last few months. Had a high like to match ratio, but it was hard to get anyone to continually respond. I didn't even pose the scary questions you're afraid of either.

The first question was fine, IMO, but the second one is confronting because it's likely she doesn't know the answer. I think most people prefer to go-with-the-flow, and "how long it takes" is different every time depending on the dynamics of the two people involved. Your question may have come across like you were keen to know when you can call her your girlfriend, which is kinda scary when you haven't met each other, yeah.

Both of the questions are fine though if you are chatting with someone similar to you, or someone with whom you have already given a fair amount of insight into your personality so she would understand why you are asking. If you've been spending most of the time trying to impress her or appeal "normal", then that would make these questions seem more strange.

You were a bit forwards with the questions, which might have made you look desperate.
It is best to save these questions for after the first date, when/if you got her number so you can ask these questions over real texts rather the tinder (or similar) built-in chat system

I don't think you should ask such questions until you've met her for real. Until then you have no idea if there is any chemistry / compatibility or not. You cannot sort that out by texting. It's also a bad idea to get obsessed over somebody you haven't met for real for exactly the same reasons.

So this is actually my first post on here. I've kind of been lurking but couldn't resist lol. This is just my two cents. I'm NT & my boyfriend is on the spectrum and we met on okcupid. My situation with him was ALOT different, I couldn't even tell if he liked me for months lol. I'm basing this off of my time in the land of Internet dating in general...as a female. To be honest if some guy asked me how many dates it would take before they become my boyfriend I would have been a little weirded out by it. I get that meeting a girl and not knowing what she's looking for is scary but it's just as scary for a girl meeting a stranger off the internet. I know personally how terrifying it is after having done it for months lol. You don't know if that guy is trying to harm you or actually has good intentions, so a lot of how I decided on how to go out with someone was just a gut feeling. You kind of need to be chill in that aspect because anybody that was overtly pushy, didn't make me feel safe. I think that's something that you have to just go with the flow and see how it pans out. Dating is scary for everyone involved. And hey you might meet her and think she's an absolute bore/not what she looks like in her pictures haha. Asking if she was looking for a relationship or more of a hangout thing is perfectly acceptable because you don't want to waste your time getting to know someone, if they don't want the same things out of that connection. I hope that helps clarify some things .

I don't think they were scary questions. I am going through the ups and downs at the moment of meeting a new girl who has Asperger's. I'm guess what you call NT. I have been bloging about this girl I've meet here on the forums updating it almost daily. You might find some help in there as well. The subject/topic title is "Boy meets Aspie girl"

Check it out. Hope it may help you to keep going even when the situation looks bleak.

Since I posted this topic, I've been rejected by three more women, two of whom actually set up dates to meet me but then canceled them the day of. The most aggravating part is, none of them will just come out and tell me they're not interested! They just stop texting me, and I spend at least a day waiting for them to reply to my last text, wondering if they just haven't checked their phone, or if they're out of service, before I finally have to decide for myself that I'm never going to hear from them again. I've never had a girlfriend, and so I've never been through a breakup, but I feel as if this hurts just as much as an actual breakup does. The only one who actually told me she wasn't interested said it wasn't because of my asperger's, it was because I'd never had a girlfriend before. She said I was a great guy, but she didn't want to be anybody's first girlfriend.

All I'm getting from this is depression. I'm about THIS CLOSE to just giving up.

It's very different to being broken up with, because that's about losing someone you care about. You don't even know these people. So remember that, and try not to take it to heart.

Perhaps we might be able to help you out with the problem, if you feel like posting the last message you send, that doesn't get a response. Or try comparing them yourself - is there a theme? Is there something in particular you are saying that seems to turn them away? It might be something really simple that isn't really a reflection on you but on your inexperience/knowledge of the best ways to interact with people through online dating websites.

(If it's just Tinder, I can't really help. I've tried that site but found it horrible. People tend to be looking for different things on there, i.e. there are a lot of people not interested in making much effort, it's very superficial, and it's more about local hook-ups than finding something meaningful. Not saying it's impossible to find a nice date, I did have one before I deleted the app, but personally I found it rather a difficult challenge.)

You need to get off this site in that case. This is VERY common on free dating sites and I would say happens about 90% of the time. If you try to figure out why you will drive yourself crazy but my answer to myself is 'that's why they are on a dating site to begin with'. My Fiancee told me it took her years to go online because she saw it as being a failure in life. Just accept it is nothing you are doing and we live in an age where few people can commit to anything. I will also warn you that if you do get a few first dates, even if they go 'perfectly' you will likely never hear from her again.

I was heartbroken the first few times it happened to me (being bullied your whole life doesn't help) and thought I was a weirdo or something but the bottom line is they are doing you a favour. I wish I could go back and thank all these flaky girls for doing me a favour and warning me about how crappy they are before I wasted any time or effort. Congrats on having the balls to put yourself out there but I think you got to see for yourself what online 'dating' is all about.

Yes those are scary questions. People can't give you those type of answers unless they are obsessive and even if they are obsessive, chances are they still complicate things too much to be able to tell you that.

If you cause her to think too much about numbers, instead of being natural and getting to know you, it can be too much for the average person.

Truth is, an organic natural flow to the progression of your relationships is usually what's best.

Why?

Because asking serious questions like that can really put too much pressure on someone before you become important enough for them to want to accept that pressure.

Always be honest about your needs, like letting her know that you are omanrically interested, but consider hanging out a few times first before you ask her how long it will take to be her boyfriend.

After all, chances are you may meet and not have chemistry.

My suggestion:

1. Let her know you are romantically interested.

- this will make it clear to her that you will flirt, open her doors, and tell her how beautiful she is.

2. Hang out for a bit. Go on a few dates.

- Put her in some situations you enjoy and see how she handles it. Then put yourself into some of hers and see how you handle it. If you two don't hate each other after that, then start asking some questions.

3. You are so much fun. Are you enjoying spending time with me too? So how long does it normally take for you to know you like a guy, because I know for a fact I like you. We have fun.

This is what I do. It helps. Otherwise I naturally come on extremely strong.

To the contrary. Being obsessive is incompatible with "asking for a chance". It's just not on my radar (and probably not on others that tend to get obsessive either).



No need to tell anybody that. That's the purpose of flirting and the eye-contact game. If they constantly reciprocate, then they are romantically interested, so no need to ask them about that. Also, as they know you play the game with them, they don't need to hear that you have a romantic interest in them because they already know that.

As for communicating needs, that's super-NT, and not my style at all. People that have a long list of needs are not relationship material to me. They should be able to cope with another person without demanding needs to be fulfilled, otherwise they never will be able to stay in a long-term relationship.

If you are boyfriend and girlfriend or not is more of a technicality and not that important.