What is "approaching"?

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Okay I need to clear this up, because I'm not sure I understand what everyone is talking about when they talk about "approaching" someone they fancy.

When people use the term "approaching", I assume they mean going up and talking to the person for the first time. Well, does that even really happen much at all in real life?

Once when I was in my mid-teens, I was at some school-organised function where there were lots of students from other schools. A guy came up to me and said I looked familiar and does he know me from somewhere? I was naive and thought he was being serious and just said no I don't think so, because that was the truth. He wandered off and my friends said he was trying to flirt with me. That's the only time I can think of that a guy has ever done what I would term "approach" me, outside of the alcohol-infused bar and club scene.

And I've tried it twice myself, and both times I failed miserably. The whole thing felt silly.

Is this what you all mean when you talk about approaching? Because if so, why is so much emphasis put on it? It doesn't seem to be a very common way to find a partner! If you are in a room with someone you like, doing a shared activity, nobody has to "approach" the other, it's a mutual conversation that will occur at some point. It's not a forced thing, so I don't see how there is pressure on one sex or the other to put in more effort. You just talk to each other, like you would talk to the rest of the people in the room.

So I think I need more clarity on what is meant by the term, because either I've been getting it wrong all this time, or I think people are stressing over something that is a rare event in the dating scene. From my experience and observation, "approaching" someone, unprovoked, just isn't a common way to find a partner.

Usually, a man "approaches" a woman within a "meet-up" context, such as in a bar or an event especially catered for introducing single people to each other. As far as I know, the reverse doesn't happen nearly as often.

There are times, though, that men approach women in the street, and start talking to them about something like the weather, or how lovely a skirt/ blouse looks on them. Usually, this means that the man finds the woman attractive in some way. It just might mean that the man wants to go on a date with the woman.

Most of the time, these "approaches" appear to be harmless. The man has no evil intent. All he wants to do, at the most, is to ask the women on a date. Sometimes, all he wants to do is talk to somebody.

However, it might irritate a woman who doesn't feel like talking to anybody at that particular time. She wants her privacy. She wants to ruminate over things, or to listen to music, or something like that. I do believe a person has the right not to have to engage with someone when there is no desire to engage with someone.

Unfortunately, there are times when this sort of "approach" is a prelude to something nasty, something criminal--though I find that to be rare (even if it's rare, it should, obviously, never occur at all). This is why many women are wary of strange men approaching them. And it's a justified wariness.

I find that most women don't like guys to "approach" them in this manner, outside of social occasions. There are a few who don't mind this, though.

VERY RARELY will a woman approach a man to admire his physique, and with the desire to ask him out on a date.

^ But do you think that it's common? Common enough to keep talking about, e.g. "men always have to do the approaching...", does that even matter if it's such a rare thing to occur anyway?

This scenario I guess is what I meant by the bar and clubbing scene, or anywhere where alcohol is typically involved, and flirting and hooking up is an expected intent of being there. Here, yes, there's heaps of "approaching" going on. I've always seen it as equal, because when I was involved in this type of scene I just approached whoever I fancied and vice versa. How? Confidence from alcohol!

But in the everyday world, where one has to rely on skill and true courage rather than dutch courage, I just don't think that it happens much.

I think it is somewhat uncommon these days, though it is by no means rare. It is seen as being somewhat "tacky."

However, my impression is that it was more common 1-2 generations ago--especially during the 1960s and 1970s, during the "sexual revolution."

I think it happens less than it used to. Might be part of what some women mean when they there no more "real men" nowadays. There's more risk because you don't have as many signs to gauge whether they like you and you have to think up something on the spot or you may never see them again. I much prefer meeting people through shared activities. Going out with a virtual stranger is too much like a forced interview. That being said I do plan on "approaching" a girl I've seen around, but know nothing about. It'll be a first for me.

All I think of when I read 'approaching' is camouflage.

In addition to pubs and alike, there are also dances. It's typically guys that ask girls for a dance (there are exceptions, but they are rare). In this environment, there is no natural way that people will get to dance with each others, so they need to ask (if we exclude folklore and similar, where some dances have partner changes).

It's mostly from the dance environment that my experiences are from as I never fancied pubs and things like that.

So when I claim I cannot approach a girl I'm interested in or have a crush on, it especially means that I won't be able to ask her for a dance. I typically can only do that if I can convince myself that I have no romantic interest, or if I know her in some way, or got to dance with her through the partner changes that are part of some dances. Or if she asked me for a dance first.

Although at present I have a pretty effective strategy so I've basically overcome this problem completely, and I will typically dare to ask young girls that nobody else in my age would dare to ask for a dance. Often, I'm the first one asking them, and then others will follow.

I don't know. I suppose it happens at bars, clubs and dances. Those are the traditional places where you meet a partner.

Maybe we should extend the term somewhat so it also covers "advancing things"? Because you can see somebody regularly (for instance, in school or shared activities), admire them at a distance, but then never dare to make verbal contact. I think that is also part of approaching. It doesn't need to be confined to casual meetings outdoors. It could also be when you flirt with somebody at a distance, but then never is able to advance it because you cannot go up to them and initiate a conversation.

Interesting. I've tended to exclude bars and clubs when I talk about it, because it's such an "approach-friendly" environment that I didn't think people meant this type of setup when they talked about having difficulty approaching. Most people are fueled by alcohol, and being rejected is not really an issue because there's so much mingling going on that it's barely noticed. I've done a lot of approaching in clubs (in the past), but I've rarely gotten anything resembling a relationship out of it, as that isn't generally the purpose there. You can barely hear each other let alone get to know each other well enough, haha.

They still hold dances in Sweden? That's pretty cool! I don't think we have them here anymore. If we do, it's a niche thing.

Ah yes, if we include "advancing" in "approaching", then we are getting even deeper into there area where I don't understand why there are still people claiming it's up to the male to do it.

And if we take it to the next level of "stating your interest" or "asking someone out", I've definitely done my fair share of that, and isn't that possibly the hardest part? That's the part where you get the actual rejection, so it holds the most risk. Perhaps this "men must do the approaching" thing is really some sort of trick so the men get to do the easy approaching bit and the women have to actually put their feelings out there

I always miss this point. It seems to happen in movies only.

I've never have a woman express feelings for me in the street or anywhere....except once when this woman dragged me into her apartment.

Oh yeah I mean the expressing feelings bit as a later stage, way past approaching or mutually meeting. It's after all that is done and you ask the person out or whatever. So I don't think that would happen in the street either, apart from in those "cute" videos people post where they do social experiments

And hey I don't live in the US and go to college there, maybe all this stuff does happen in those places. People are more reserved in Australia, I think.

Men definitely express feelings for women--and ask them out on trains, buses, etc.

Women almost never do this.

It's probably not as common as it was 30-40 years ago.

It is seen as being tacky, usually.

This happens mostly amongst younger people.

I didn't go away to college. I went to a commuter college when I was way older than traditional college age.

'Twas just another observation I lazily tacked on the end of my post, I actually didn't even know if you were in the US at all when I said it

Yeah, I just don't think that style of approaching happens anywhere near often enough to be worth complaining about...as in, people saying men have to do it cos women won't do it...hardly anyone does it at all (these days) so it doesn't matter.

I find that a silly thing to say. That people 'have no right' to complain about it, as 'it doesn't actually happen very often'.

It's quite possible it doesn't happen very often, because women actually discourage it.

In my experiences, the vast majority of women, have said they do not like to be approached when in public, out and about, carrying about their business or daily life.

They are totally against the idea of being cold approached by a random stranger.

This may make sense in some places, and I understand not wanting to be constantly approached when you're at the supermarket or such.

But, unfortunately, what I've noticed is, women seem to be against it irregardless of the situation, whether it be on a train, on a bus, at a bookstore or cafe/restaurant, etc.

These situations, I believe are naturally more social - longer bus and train trips will often encourage others to socialize, usually with their family and friends, but if there are two singles alone on a bus, coincidentally sitting together or near one another, why is it completely unreasonable of a woman to assume if the male is attracted to her, he won't try and strike up a conversation and attempt to get to know her? Why would she be extremely turned away from the idea and find it extremely unrealistic?

Same with a restaurant/cafe, or bookstore (discussing books together), and many other common situations (after class at college, etc.)

Like I said, shopping is less social, as people just want to find what they're looking for and get out, or take their time and browse - not many people socialize at the shops.

But, it seems the only acceptable social situations to women (not to men, we're fine with socializing with other men or women almost anywhere, really) are parties, bars and nightclubs and concerts and such - not usually good places for aspies.

Most of us do not like nightclubs (or bars, for that matter, but bars are far more tolerable), rarely drink alcohol, and concerts aren't always that common.

I listen to electronic music, and while other countries have Electric Daisy Carnival and Tommorrowland, Australia has practically nothing. Our entire EDM scene is limited to Melbourne, and it's a genre I don't even like.

I'm just lucky I do find the idea of bars and nightclubs alright and want to try them.

Not just this, but many men risk being seen as creepy when they don't intend to come across such a way, many men may be reported for approaching, maced, etc.

And, it already takes guts just to approach in the first place.

So don't say for a second 'It doesn't happen very much, and that's because most people aren't interested in approaching or being approached'. It's most women that seem to not like being approached.

Men who approach you in awkward situations, such as when you're at the store, or at a bus stop, at a park, at work (depending on your job), etc. are those that break social norms.

I've never had any luck in nightclubs or bars. I've been a bit more fortunate on trains/buses, though.

The girl who approached me when I was 17 approached me on a train.

The woman who dragged me into her apartment....was at her home.