I cannot stop missing him

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I think of him as "the one" because he was the first person I crushed obsessively on who actually liked me back. Also, he's the only person I know in real life who looks so obviously on the spectrum.

But conversations were hard. I flirt with relative ease with NT guys because they always respond the way I expect them to, but with him I never knew what to do with his response. I think he gave up first, and by now I too have given up on the possibility of us ever being together, and I'm over him in that I no longer fantasize about him or feel the pain that used to hurt so much. I guess whatever we had between us is just starting to feel like it happened so long ago, and I've accepted there is no way I can revive something that's been dead for so long.

Sometimes, though, like just half an hour ago at this fast food restaurant, I'd be flirting with some guy and it was easy and it felt good and I had fun, but by the time it's over I'd think about him and wonder why it couldn't be just as easy, and why two people who liked each other and wanted to be together just couldn't make it work.

I think part of the reason I can't let him go is because, again, he's the only person I know "in real life" who's on the spectrum. I don't know why it matters so much, but maybe I just assume we'd have an instant connection based on that fact alone.

Forgive me if this is a little forward, but from your words, it doesn't necessarily read like your truly over him. You might have moved on, and accepted certain things, but at the same time, there's still longing there.

That said, I think I can understand to a degree. There's a person in my life, I still talk with them here and there, and because I'm alone, and it's been that way a long time now, from time to time my mind wanders. I want for my failed relationship with them to have gone differently, for the good things about it to return. For her to want me again.

A big part of that is, is they really lit up my switchboard. They had/have so much about them I find attractive and engaging. An example would be, whenever I talk/talked to them at length, it would be so easy. Even in recent times, I'll talk to them, and I can't help myself. I can't help but wish that somehow the stars would realign, and make it happen. In my case, I feel so broken down by life, it's hard for me to want to talk to anyone anymore. However, talking with them on occasions, for fleeting periods of time, it's almost like it's 10 years ago. I'm there teasing her playfully, I'm talking about this and that with her, and I don't have to think about it(Unlike normally), it's so easy. Then however, I always get sad, because I miss it.

The point is though, in my case, while I can accept it's over, and a long time over, and that in terms of who we are and where we're going it's unlikely to ever work(even if the chance came around again), I still mourn what I lost. In my life, I've had others give me those special kinds of feelings, and to be fair, I mourn those losses too, but, I think there are reasons for that.

In my case at least, I mourn those losses, in part because it's natural to some degree. We as people, are never going to like losing what's special to us. However, also because, there's a void there, and it hasn't been filled properly in quite some time.

I would wonder, if possibly, this applies to yourself as well. Maybe the people you've met since, in terms of just flirting with, or deeper interest, haven't quite offered you what your old flame did. There are some people in life, for whatever reasons, they set you alight in the best possible ways. Not everyone can do that, and it can be very difficult not to look backward and compare, or remember that everyone has different strengths and weaknesses, ect.

I don't know you, or him, and I'm just speculating, so this could be completely useless to you, and I'm sorry if it is.

Just out of interest, how long ago were you together?

95% of humans see 5% of the world (NT), the other 5% of humans see the other 95% of the world (autistic). Being autistic is merely that: being autistic-- our tribe is way more diverse than even the most diverse NT group. Don't assume that you'll connect with anyone just because you both happen to share autism. I've got allergies, doesn't mean I'm gonna hit it off with every girl I see blowing her nose. My point is: don't get hung up on a label, whether yours or something society has applied to someone else.