Will it happen?

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Hello, been a while. Been busy doing my thesis, traveling and working. Never been busy in my life before. Career pathway is quite clear for me!

So yes, I still haven't got a relationship with a women yet. I am 25 and still nothing. I asked couple of female friends out on a date. They say no because they don't want a relationship especially on short term basis because they aren't settled. As I mean not settled because they are still studying and traveling. One is finishing her study and going to leave for a trip for few months in August. So that is her reason. I have way more female friends than males. I have no idea why and how. I do have male friends, but their lives is different to mine.

I have similar values to women because I have strong passion for environmental protection and social sustainability. That where mostly female participate in these groups. Same working with Oxfam, they are mostly women in there too. So I have no trouble making friends, that I used to have these issues especially with social anxiety during my first degree (2010-12). My life has changed a lot in a huge way when I moved to the city early last year to start my new life with postgraduate research degree and jobs. Now I having travel opportunities, conference speaking trips and that.

So to the stage I feel at 25 I felt quite settled or matured than most people at same age. Many of my friends told me I have lot of things that many people in their 20's doesn't have. I have been told that I have most advantaged person with disabilities. In addition to ASD, I also have hearing loss. Communication is so challenging to me. People sometimes fall out of my hearing awareness when I try to listen to them especially when lipreading and so on. At the same time as having ASD, my grammar and speaking patterns is affected. This is my sixth year of academic career, and I never give up writing and speaking. I find that learning these skills naturally is more effective then being told to retake English classes that I already tried twice. Nothing has changed. I believe that most of you Aspies aware that our brains are wired differently.

So on the case of communication, I aware having a relationship requires that. I know there many Aspies are married and that. That is positive for me. Though many women I meet still taking so long time to get to understand me, but at the same time majority of them doesn't want a relationship because they are focusing on their lives and personal development. I totally understand that. They are mostly between 21 and 25. Have few friends who are in late 20's still single too.

I am not sure with my age, I started a little anxious of not finding anyone. Despite my active involvement in the society. I felt like have a lot of effort to meet new people and make friends. I always wanted to get married and have my own family one day. Though I feel the communication impacts, and lack of awareness from women who make assumptions of me like males with ASD are prone to abusive relationships. I felt a little discriminated and stereotyped.

I wanted to know is it 110% true that I will eventually get one? I understand don't look for one is a better method because it is scaring them away. I learned about that.

You definitely need to be asking out more girls if you want to date. Just a couple is hardly trying at all. I think it will get easier for you as you get older if you make an effort to get better at asking girls out on dates.

One thing that I think is very helpful is online dating. Have you tried that at all?

I don't know if the problem is that you are talking about long term relationships with people you haven't even dated yet. Yes that scares people out. Yes I've done that .

Anyway, you seem like a very interesting and nice person. I would go out with you , so I'm sure you will find someone very nice for you.

All the best in your carreer and in your personal life. *respect*

I tend to get confused in between not trying enough and trying too hard. I always get criticised as being desperate. I think the demographics of my circles of friends are mostly different to the rest of the population who are prioritise their careers and personal development as number one than relationships. I will continue trying, but also my friends said I need to have them as friends for longer term as well. I find it so difficult to get someone who you just met.

That I tried dating websites before because they all failed me. I don't understand why. I never thought I did something wrong. I am aware that I may be not attractive enough, more likely physically. I have aspie appearance characteristics and have strong intelligent communication. I cannot change that. Should I think women should change the way how to understand me that I cannot change the way who I am? My intelligence helps me to get careers, travels, public speaking events and that.

Dating websites is a nightmare to me. I had bad traumas from them. Kept getting ignored and friend zoned forever. I think its an excuse that I am not physically attractive. I can't change my appearance for women to get them attracted to me because I am comfortable with myself, by the way how I look and how I take care of myself.

I am not sure it something to do with women in their 20s still finding out their lives? The demographics of universities can prove this.

Thanks.

Another thing I want to add is that I am feeling pressured by how the way the society is, the social engineering structure. Its bothering me and I can't escape unless I live in the wilderness.

I think you're going about asking girls out the wrong way. You ask out 20 women in one day and not come off as desperate.

You don't just ask a girl "will you be my girlfriend" unless you've already been dating for a bit. If you want to date a girl, invite her on a date (such as drinks).

It's hard to say what the problem is, because I don't know you, haven't seen you or your communication style, or know what sort of girls you are around or asking out.

You are obviously quite intelligent, and many women find that attractive, especially others who are also intelligent. You don't seem by your writing style to have any annoying or off-putting habits or attitudes.

As long as you are not extremely physically unattractive, or very offensive in some way (such as having bad body odor), it's likely that girls will want to date you.

I do agree that perhaps you should try asking girls out. But if you are coming across as too serious or intense about the relationship, you may be scaring girls off who are not quite ready for a serious relationship. As was mentioned alive, keep it casual in the beginning, by just asking a girl out for drinks, or to have lunch or coffee.

I wish I had better advice to offer, but it is very hard to do so based only on text in a forum.

I will add that many people are not interested in any sort of serious relationship until they are at least in their late twenties. I would say it's even more common for those who are highly educated and/or career focused, and those seem to be the types of people that you are coming into contact with the most right now.

The most I asked girls out is twice in same day. I have not enough energy to be desperate where up to 20 as you mentioned.

Yes I tried ask for dinner, drinks, cafe, movies and that. Rarely got accepted. Majority of my female friends doesn't want a boyfriend at their stage of life.

I think I am quite mature at my age, or it just my intelligence because I don't really take it casually unless if they are really my friends.

I noticed there is a rising trend of people getting more older to get into a relationship and marriage these days because of society influence such as education and career. I am in large network of these kind of people who commit their careers first before anything else. Same with personal development. Mental health issues is another thing in young people. I have friends told me they are coping their own challenges as well. I guess it like how someone on the spectrum deals with same thing.

Is it also true that people aren't doing sex either until later? Because I seen stuff on Psychology Today saying 'friends with benefits' is on the rise while serious relationships is dropping especially for the 20somethings. My friends tell me that they don't do that sort of thing. I am not sure if they are lying or something, but they are noticeable of having personal issues. I guess they try to avoid emotion issues or something.

Can anyone explain this to me?

I see it too, people wait forever to have a solid relationship, they don't compromise, they want to be young and free forever or (the less) want to have an stable job and that sort of things before... people just don't have the guts to say "yes, this is the person I want to be with", no doubts, and compromise.

Twice I had a relationship in which I was the only person ready to marry, to fight against the world together. Both my partners either felt that it was too early in their lives to compromise to not to have any other sexual partner, or basically they wanted to wait much more until they were completely sure that I was the right person. Both relationships lasted more than 4 years. I am still waiting for them to decide . Same happened when both persons decided to move out their parents house.... they needed a great salary and a indefinite work contract to do so (what might never happen). C'mon, risk a bit, assume the consequences, move on in your life! (I'm 28 and my partners were 4 and 8 years older than me). And there was me, taking all the responsibility of a relationship that they were never sure they wanted..

And that's a good reason why I'm single . And now I don't want to lose the time anymore, lose all my energy in building a life with someone that doesn't want to grow up. After some months of relationship one should know.

So yes, tell me what's wrong now with people, 30 years ago things were different, people wasn't scared of making decisions (or maybe they were forced by the system, but anyways). What's the point now? after you get to know a person, after some time together, if you love that person and you want him/her in your life......... what's the point in doubting so much, or in delaying things forever? Just because of insecurity, just because you want to be a teen forever and not assuming responsabilities as husband/wife (and I don't care whether you marry or not, it's just the compromise). It just breaks relationships. This is the story of my life.

Indeed on same perspective here. It common in high education background where people want careers and growing up which it takes their time. I am not sure what kind of factors slowing them down. Is it alcohol? Society peer pressure? Their studies kept their minds off their personal development? Traveling places is trying to help finding themselves?

I read that friends with benefits or no strings attached casual sex is on the rise while relationships are dropping. Though what confuses me about the truth of this especially from my friends. They also not having the casual sex no strings attached because they feel emotional, as a fear to get hurt like being in a relationship.

So whats the story on between friends with benefits popularity and friends not considering it. Sorry if this sounds weird because I am involuntary celibate.

We are not fortune tellers.

Unlike marriage and bf/gf, the FWB "market" doesn't guarantee a sex ratio of 1:1 in pairing.

Probably the hottest guys would monopolize it, by each being FWB with several girls. Most dating sites datas show clearly that a majority of girls find only a minority of guys attractive, and FWB is largely based on superficial attraction, like the evaluations in dating sites.
Yeah, it takes us back to the polygamous alpha-male thing.

AFter I finished my last relationship, I was so tired of that that I thought I would just have casual sex for first time and don't make my life any complicated, and wait years to have my next relationship. But when it happened to me, it wasn't any casual (for my side). I liked that guy, I felt very attracted to him, that's why I slept with him, and that's why I wanted much more than that. In the end I realized that I'm not able to have "only sex".
So yeah. I don't get how somebody can like me enough for sex but not enough to see me next day. Not for me.

It might be a good idea to try asking out women who aren't your female friends as the female friends might not have romantic interest in you.

So you saying FWB is based on superficial attraction? Like physical appearances only than the value of friendship and personality?