Dating advice or thoughts on situation

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I have HFA, formerly known in the USA as Asperger’s. I’ve been dating someone for about a year now and it has been okay. We both like to go out sometimes, but prefer to visit at home most of the time, and we also both enjoy engaging in adult activities with each other. But, there are some other things that need to be talked about.

First, we don’t agree on politics and thoughts on diversity with people in general. To my strong disliking he identifies with Republicans and most likely will vote for Donald Trump and I’m rooting for Bernie Sanders. Secondly, I believe in cultural awareness and sensitivity and he dislikes people that “come into our country and steal our jobs.” He also dislikes people that are not heterosexual. These are all huge issues to me. As, some people in my family that I love very much come from a racial background that he bashes in words and my only son whom I love very much (he’s in college now, pre-med) is gay. Needless to say, I’ve brought up some of my concerns with him and he does not really seem to want to alter his world view. He appears fixated once he has an idea to the point that it’s as if it has solidified in his head. I should mention he also has HFA too, and so my hope/assumption from the beginning was that we would get along in most areas.

Also, we have other areas that we are quite dissimilar in. We don’t usually like the same type of music or movies. But, that is one thing that I’ve been pretty flexible about though, because it is not as important imho. Our humor can occasionally match up, but lately am feeling even more distant in this area with him. He often farts loud on purpose (literally pushing them out, and no…I’m not even kidding) and will even laugh or smile afterwards. The first time or two…I just thought he was trying to joke around or test me. But trust me, after a while, the potty humor gets extremely old and is juvenile. That can put a damper on me wanting to get intimate with him. Also, we were together for Valentine’s Day and my birthday last year (and his bday too)…I bought him cards for both occasions, some Men’s B&B Works items, and one homemade gift (a decadent dessert), but he did not make an effort to buy (or even make me something…which there is no excuse for this). That is a huge turn-off, basically, because he does not think to plan something special ahead or even try to put in some effort. Since we have been together for about a year our bdays (which are only a few days apart) are about to roll back around again and really, I don’t even want to try to go through this again with him.

The hard part is, we also have some good areas. We both seem to feel very comfortable venting/talking about our days/week. He is generally more of the talker in the relationship, I tend to listen. We share a couple of the same special interests. And, he reminds me of someone that I used to like, so that helps out too, tbh. He is courteous in opening car doors, so that is a plus. I make food items for him, and last weekend I cooked a big Italian dinner for him here at my apartment…and I like that he has a good, hearty appetite….and sometimes he will say thanks. Since we also have Asperger’s that also helps he and I to connect sometimes – but am wondering in the long run if this will be enough. Sometimes I really need him to be there for me, as I am for him…yet it doesn’t happen.

Please know that I’m not trying to say that I expect things to be perfect, because I know that this is not a possibility in any relationship. Sometimes I just need more security in things and we have never even said “I love you” to each other. I do not see a future with him…and although my son is already grown up…this man has never had any children, nor ever been married before. The thing is, I do not even think about having kids with him most of the time, because there is no feeling of longevity or security there. Sometimes I even wonder if we broke up, if I’d feel more relief or a twinge of sadness for a while?

If you have any thoughts or suggestions, I’d be happy to hear them. It’s important to note that I really am trying but I believe that we each have to help each other out (meet in the middle) in many areas when the other is down and out. I’ve been going through a lot lately and he has not been supportive in a practical way. Thanks!! !

It doesn't sound too bad to me. I can see it as a possible problem with your very different political views, and especially if you both are serious about it, but other than that there is not a lot of problems.

For instance, about the birthday gifts, I suggest you either inform him that you expect him to do something special for you, that you tell him explicitly what you want, or that you stop doing so much for him. You do need to tell each others about your preferences in that area because he won't figure it out himself just because he is HFA too.

About the farting thing, you need to tell him you dislike it, and then he might stop it. He might think you find it acceptable.

Lastly, about knowing where you have each others, that seems to be a common "problem". If you want clear information about that, you will need to talk to him about it.

You said you didn't see a future with him.

I don't really have any advice, other than to weigh it up and best of luck.

It is interesting as this fits into the political tribalism in dating tread I started.

How did you get together if you don't mind me asking?

Last edited by 0_equals_true on 09 Apr 2016, 5:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Thank you. I'll have to read more about that, now I'm intrigued.

I met him at a local Aspie support group.

Well I know for a fact I wouldn't be able to stay in that relationship in your shoes, I mean I don't mind having some different opinions on politics and such but if your at odds about all the social issues in the world that can be more problematic. Like I couldn't date someone who discriminated towards non-hetrosexuals, or racial minorities though it would matter to me more why they want to vote for trump...if it was due to being overly-patriotic then definitely not.

Also listening to music, going to shows and viewing movies are activities I like to do with my boyfriend, so it wouldn't work at all if we didn't have some similar taste.

I think its possible you and him don't have enough compatibility....how do you feel when you and him are apart for any length of time? Do you really miss him or are you more relieved you have some alone time? also how often do you argue...if it is a lot, I would say in my experience/observation its bound to fail or do you guys typically handle disagreements civilly and compromise? Also some of what you say does kind of make it sound like he's not very committed....I mean I could see maybe not giving you a gift item and like taking you out or just making a point to have a nice time with you instead but sounds like he kind of just blew it all off.

I wouldn't like a woman who likes to fart.

That's incredibly disgusting.

I don't think I could date someone with such different political views. That's really important in my opinion. Nobody is ever going to completely agree when it comes to those things, but the viewpoints have to be somewhat similar. I couldn't deal with someone who was racist or homophobic. Actually, I could, but only if it was an unconscious bias or something that the person was willing to work on or change.

I think a lot of prejudice comes from fear, and an inability or unwillingness to change or see another point of view. So it makes sense that some people with autism are like that, as we can have a lot if anxiety and have difficulty with change and perspective-taking. But it's still a lot to have to overlook when dating somebody when you don't feel that way yourself.

I also would not find the difference in interests to be as much as a problem, but you have to enjoy doing some things together. Otherwise, what's the point of a relationship?

And it would really upset me if I was very thoughtful regarding holidays and such, and the other person didn't bother.

Reading your post, it seemed to me that you two are not a good match, but that's not for me to decide.

People don't think that having the same political views is important, but it is. That and close religious views. I couldn't even think of going out with a Democrat or an Atheist. Those are the biggies for me.

Disagree on the political and religious views. I'm an atheist, wife is Christian. I've been with her in church, and it's not a big deal for me. I don't have to try to convince people that there is no God, and you cannot be an atheist if you don't know about religions. As for political views, mine has changed from environmentalist to strong dislike for mass immigration, so even if we were matched at one point we would not have been at some other. Again, if you cannot respect others opinions then you really don't belong in a relationship.

These things would be automatic deal-breakers for me.

I would never expect a partner to share all of my views/agree with me about everything, but I have no respect for bigotry.

I would also feel protective of my family -- being with a person who hated on them would seem to me like a betrayal of them, because in my way of thinking/living families have a particular responsibility to look out for each other, to stand up for each other when prejudiced people come around and hate on us for no good reason (especially when it comes to what I've been raised to see as a parent's obligations to protect and support their children, grown or not, I would feel like I was doing the antithesis of what was right). I'm not saying that you should feel or think this way, but it is how I would feel/what I would think.

Was not at home much today, so it was great to log back on to WrongPlanet and see many great responses!! !! Thank you! As far as everything goes, yes...as most have you have said, I feel a similar way. There are too many core differences and the more time spent thinking about this, the more I've realized that this has very little to do with he and I both being Aspies - since these are not simply individual quirks that could be accepted/adapted somewhat.

Many of the responses here have helped me to see that this is more about settling for less that what an adequate (not even bringing ideal into this equation) relationship match would be. I would not want him, or anyone to feel like they were settling for me, and my doubts are that he would want that either. If I went back with him, that is pretty much what it would feel like.

Looks like it's time to continue another thoughtful and non-hurried search for a partner that has more compatibility on the important issues.