Please Help - I think my ex is an aspie

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I myself have bipolar tendencies because of childhood trauma, besides that I guess I am a NT. During one of my sessions I made a few comments about my ex to my therapist and she asked me right away if he was an aspie. I had no idea what "aspie" meant, I have been doing some research and I feel like if he was then a lot of things would make sense about our relationship. I kind of mentioned my therapist comment to him, but he didn't say anything ( and I wish it stays that way, because he is in the army).

facts about my relationship:
- he is 35 years old
- I'm his first "real" gf
- He says I'm his first best friend
- it was a long distance relationship
- we dated for about 5 months
- he was very sweet and caring for me
- he had to re locate due to his job (the next day we had an argument) n his feelings for me just suddenly faded & broke up with me.
- But that he wished we could remain friends and talk every day.

Why do I suspect he is an aspie?
- when we started going out he would said things to me that someone who is interested in me wouldn't say
- He made jokes that were inappropriate
- He enjoys being along and planned to stay that way forever (before meeting me)
- He says things that really, really hurt me and then fails to see why it upsets me.
- when I am upset/sad he just leaves or ends the conversation like nothing was wrong.
- He has some anger issues
- He pick up on details other people don't


The truth is that I used to think that he was just being a jerk to me. But then he said he is really not a bad person and that he didn't want to hurt me. That he wants me to be more understanding and give him time to change.

I don't know why he broke up with me, he did tell me it was because his feelings for me changed. But sometimes he does things that made me think he still cares for me, even thought we are broken up we do spend a lot of time together. Is it because I'm his only friend or because he still likes me? I'm not in love with him, but he is very important to me. I tell him I miss him. When I asked him if he would give me a chance he said probably not, and then moves to another topic. I don't know if I should keep trying or if I should give up ... Is me showing affection towards him, even thought he said he is not interested bother him? I feel so insecure and when I ask him about about it. He doesn't give me an answer he says he understands me, but doesn't know what to do. Lately he asks me to spend time together, but then he would say things that hurt me. I thought he was just making fun of me and being cruel but maybe he doesn't know how to express himself.

When I met him I didn't think there was anything wrong with him, but dating him made me feel alone. I think that if I had known he was an aspie maybe I would of understood him better.

It's great that you're friends--but I would hold off on the romance. Even if he gets romantic one day, he might change his mind the next day.

It seems as if he might have some Aspie traits, but I wouldn't go out on a limb and say that he's definitely Aspie. Have you ever bought up the subject with him? If you want to bring up the subject, do it gently. Speak about articles pertaining to Asperger's or autism. Speak about some famous Aspie who has succeeded despite having Asperger's.

He sounds like a nob.

What kinds of things does he say that hurt you? I'm asking because my Dad has Aspergers, but he doesn't say things that hurt me. Having Aspergers doesn't make people constantly say hurtful things.

Nurseangela we don't know that he is an aspie. He could just be an unkind person. Are you saying that telling people you are an aspie is a free pass? That women will put up with you being a dick if you explain you have a diagnosis?

(I'm not saying all aspies are dicks)

There are many Aspies who are not dicks.

There are many neurotypicals who are dicks.

Being an Aspie and being a dick is definitely not mutually inclusive.

What about the self diagnosed Aspies on here? We don't know if they are really Aspies either. My Aspie friend was never diagnosed but he had a total lack of empathy, but he was saying that he didn't mean to hurt me too. If I say something hurtful to someone, I immediately feel guilty because I know how it would feel of someone said something hurtful to me. My Aspie friend was totally clueless. Actually my friends told me to stop talking to my Aspie friend because they thought he was rude, but I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt thinking it was his Aspieness. I felt bad when I got mad at him. How does one ever really know if someone is being rude or if it's their Aspieness?

This is all too vague for me without examples.

I'd say if something is truthfully said and it's logical, that's aspies. If it's just mean, it's just mean.

Like if a fat woman asks, "do I look fat in this?" and her husband pauses, assess her in the dress and says yes. That's probably aspieness and not deliberately mean
Then she gets upset because he didnt lie. She's an idiot for asking such a stupid question. If you're fat you're fat. She knows she's fat. A dress won't change that.

I hate it when people tell me I don't need to lose weight. I own a mirror and I know that my favourite trousers don't fasten anymore.

BTW, I am aware that the fat woman is really asking, "do you still find me attractive" but the aspie dude doesn't realise that. He takes the question literally.

It's the empathy thing that gets to me. I wonder if I was actually in a room full of Aspie men and I started crying like I did back in another thread I was just in, would they all get flustered not knowing what to do and just leave the room?

Aren't most men like that though? I started crying at work (I had a death in the family) and only one of the guys came to see what was wrong.

To be fair, my Dad doesn't know what to do when I cry. He at least understands that I'm upset. My Mum will shout at us and get angry if any of us show emotion, I dunno if that's Aspergers or personality disorder issues though.

At first when I was researching Aspergers I was trying to find out why she is the way she is. Trying to find a reason for her unreasonableness, but the more I learned about Aspergers, and the more I talked to people on here, I realised that there is something else wrong with her.

Aspies do have a capacity for empathy. They're not psychopaths.

Could we clarify, please? Being aspie and mentioning it as part of why I did something wrong is not hiding behind it.

I am presently in a situation that arose because I just didn't "get it" - I didn't know I was hurting anybody - so if I mention being Aspie it might be to reduce the idea of intentionality.

But I will sure find out what I did wrong and how to do it right so as not to hurt people I like. It's not a blame game. If a situation turns into a blame game, then I would get out of it because that is not a friendship.

The cow one - I would have been out of there and not looked back.