Need advice on personnal situation

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I've been living with her for the last 14 years (not married). She is NT with a bit of ADHD. We have a house and 2 children. True that having a whole family around me everytime was a bit overwhelming, but i tried to cope. I don't want to impose a seperation to my children so i kept going, but last sunday, she blew it up!

She told me she doesn't love me anymore, just a friendship. She told me that she started to look at other guys with another eye. She said that we can stay together for the children but if we broke she want to do it clean and she will be kind and easy. Look at how she put the ball in my hands with the decision to broke or not...anyway

So now it's up to me to decide to stay with her and act, for the children, or to broke completly, sell the house, and move in our own seperate appartment, and have the children one week on two.

My analysis of it went like that: Those kind of arrangement (acting we're still lovers) can work for a time but eventually, when she fell in love with another guy, things will then start to get a bit rock'and'roll

If i wait until that happens, she will then be much more difficult to deal with. I should break house now but I'm scare that it will look like if i was just waiting this to happen

Is my reasonnig good ?

what do YOU want to do, coyote? i mean, without worrying about how it will look, etc.

you can only act with integrity, which means being true to yourself and shouldering your responsibility for your children.

my thoughts go out to you, though - what a horrible situation to be in and decision to make.

I agree with vetivert, coyote (shock) - basically you could do with having a hard think about what will actually be a feasible situation for you. Yeah, it sucks, but a couple of thoughts for you:

Is it likely that the relationship can be salvaged - and is that what you would like? If not, will keeping up the facade of a relationship for the kids be sustainable - and what effect would it have on you, the kids, and your partner?
Are the kids old enough to understand?

If the two of you are still good enough friends to be able to live as housemates and you are both comfortable with that - great. But you need to ask yourself the questions now, to avoid bitterness later.

Hope this helps, and that you can work something amicable out between you.

Dunc

I don't know to what extent you want to salvage or remain in the relationship.

One of the things I notice about NTs in relationships with spectrum people is that they often feel unloved or neglected emotionally, and that NTs use and expect to see jealousy to define a partner's degree of feeling for them or something like that.

I'm not especially experienced in relationships (or successful ones anyway), but there is a specific forum at delphi for AS/ NT relationships if you think it's worth salvaging, there may be some useful advice there. There's actually two such relationship forums there and you have to be careful about which one you join because one is very strongly 'I hate being married to AS" and the topic is often divorce. The other, run by an AS person is uh less antagonistic, I think they have names like "AS partners" or "AS and their partners" or something like that. Perhaps someone else remembers..I haven't been to delphi in a while.

I know you're in an emotional place right now, but you may be headed into tragic legal grounds. Check out the common law statute in your state. In some places living together for 14 years counts as legally married in many ways. One week here and one week there doesn't work for children very often. If you're not really sharp you're going to end up an every other weekend dad paying a lot in child support.

Of course don't ever mention you've talked to a laywer. That would be the worst possible thing you can do as it would instantly turn hostile. Just talk to an attorney, understand your risks and options, what harm this can do financially (child support). You need someone who is not emotionally involved in your corner.

Her statement about looking at other guys may have been a confession that she's already started dating, or has met someone she really likes.

Children suffer in households where the parents don't love eachother. There is no proof that staying together would benefit the children if it's an uneasy, cold relationship. You can't act together for the children either. They'll know something is wrong and they'll stress out about it.

If you're going to try to save the relationship go to couple's counseling.

Best of luck. I feel for you.

--Chris