Dating an Aspie for first time
Hi all, I would be thankful for some input. I'm NT (although really, I consider myself not that normal because I'm extremely sensitive to people and pick up on their body language, inner process etc with an almost uncanny capacity, which makes it exhausting for me to be too social). I recently met a wonderful man online. After our one and only date, I really fell for him. He made me laugh, we had a wonderful time, great sex. Everything went fast because I felt so amazing with him. This doesn't happen to me often, in fact very rarely. When we parted I was sure I'd see him again soon, so much tenderness and laughter, and awesome conversation. Also, I really felt so honored that he told me about his AS, it was really trusting of him, I thought. Ok, so now he has kind of vanished. It's been 8 days (I know, not a lot) but there seems to be no actual plan to see each other again. I asked him to go on a hike with me and he said he was too busy. He works a lot. A lot. Our text exchanges are angular and feel harsh, whereas before our date his were warm and jokey. I have no clue what's happening or what's going on in him. Maybe I'll just be patient and wait? He said he wants to see me again but I have no idea what that means. Thank you for your wisdom, insight, and experience...
Maybe he is busy.
Or..
He may need time to be away from intense personal interactions for awhile and/or needs time to process his feelings. This would be my reaction. I, and from reading others posts it seems I am not alone, need plenty of solitary space.
Or..
He may have just wanted a brief encounter and that was that.
He sounds rather socially adept. Were there any personality characteristics that made him seem quirky or that he had any common aspie characteristics?
It's my experience that if someone enjoyed your company then it will be obvious in some way even if the other person has social awkwardness. He has the capacity to express himself warmly and should be able to tell you at the very least that he wants to see you again but needs some alone time for a little while. I don't think his personality would suddenly change.
We were both glowing when we said goodbye. He said "I'll see you soon". He has also said he wants to see me if I'm ok with his rigorous work schedule. Usually people make plans though, as especially in the beginning you want to make sure there are no misunderstandings. He is a lovely person, I have met and meet a lot of people in my life and he's very special. I don't know how else to describe it. I think he has a very strict routine for himself and thus cannot deal with sudden changes or interruptions. He also didn't ask me a lot of questions, but I made him smile and giggle at my stories a lot. I don't think it was just an encounter either of us wanted, it felt real and important (to me). I guess that's dating across the board, you just don't know for a while. I should let him come to me, probably. But I fear he's so immersed in his own world that I might just slip away for him. Which is odd because he did take the first steps and seemed really interested then. Thanks so much for your input. It's true, he said he'd be more available in a few weeks. I'm impatient
And I miss him.
Hi. I am also in a close friendship for,the first time with an Aspie (non sexual) although we both care for each other a lot. I had a similar experience after our first date which was wonderful and lovely. My man just seemed to stop communicating other than very briefly. I actually sent him a text saying how lonely it was making me feel, and apologising if I was not what or who, he expected. He did respond to say I must never think he didn't value and appreciate our friendship. I was v confused, at this time. I also did not know about his Asperger diagnosis. However I let things just slowly return to a much less intense level, and then asked him whether he wanted to meet again. This was about 4 weeks later. He relied "yes I think it would be ok" not exactly full of enthusiasm . . . . Anyway we did meet about 6 weeks after our first date, and slowly v slowly we have built up our understanding and trust of each other. We have been close friends for nearly a year now and it is truly wonderful. I am very social, bubbly and have a lot of friends but this is something unique and I cherish our time together. My advice, give him space, back off, return to talking about non emotional things and be very very patient. Hope it works out
My personal take on this is we are not as naive as you might think.
Yes we can be socially inept, however someone like him who is high functioning and in a stable job will be intelligent enough to have worked out a few things by now.
Most of the social ineptness is in more transient things or direct iteration. Saying stupid things, etc.
So I'm sure he is aware he should probably contact you. However for a number of reason, stress, not wanting to, mixed priorities.
Personally I favour lower dependency relationships, however I plan to be upfront about this.
---
Also my take on your "awareness" is it is something different to your inherent ability to dynamically respond to non-verbal communication. You are not likely to be consciously aware you are doing this, and your opinion on it may not necessarily match up with what is actually happening. The "awareness" you feel is more likely a feeling of shared experience. It is relativist, as no person can know exactly how another perceives, but in a relative sense they can relate to the same experience, perhaps queued by non-verbal communication. This is a relative model of experience/empathy. Another way of putting it, so long as you both have all you rods and cones you can both identity red, even though it is possible the one perceives red how the other perceives blue.
Someone on the spectrum cannot emulate inherent reactions they lack in real time, so they have to adapt in different ways. However they aren't unable to understand basic social conventions if they have been made aware of them, or observed.
Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I will follow the advice to back off and let him come to me if he wants. I'm not really looking for a conventional relationship anyway, I have a vibrant, busy, and amazing life on my own. But I loved being with him, and that meant so much. I have the inclination to tell him again that I loved spending time with him, but from what I gather now, that would be a bad idea. I'm just trying to wrap my mind around the way we all experience the world differently...and hoping that I'll get the chance to understand his unique way of being in the world. In terms of having sex on the first date, we both wanted to, it felt effortless and amazing, so should I as a woman have told him "no" even though I wanted to? Or should he have done so? It's 2016. I think doing what feels right is good. For me, that's rare. So I followed my feeling. That's me. Is it different for someone with AS? Can one generalize like that? Thanks again for your replies.
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