How to encourage proper communication

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01 Sep 2016, 9:40 pm

So I recently started dating a guy I really like and who knows me really well and we have a ton in common (including being asexual). One of those things is that we're both aspies. Communication is hard. I want this to be a long term relationship (this is the first time I've ever felt that a relationship I've had could be or that I actively wanted it to be) but successful long term relationships require good communication.

I'm better at it than he is. How to I encourage open, healthy communication now so it becomes a mainstay in our relationship? Any advice?

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02 Sep 2016, 3:12 am

^ I would initiate conversation with anything I feel like talking to.. until he feels comfortable enough to do so himself. I would focus on contents which can make him comfortable, laughing and happy in the beginning stage.

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rdos
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02 Sep 2016, 9:23 am

Stop using NT communication with another Aspie ASAP. There is no need for two NDs to be doing this, and instead, if you want something, just tell him.

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02 Sep 2016, 12:01 pm

rdos wrote:

Stop using NT communication with another Aspie ASAP. There is no need for two NDs to be doing this, and instead, if you want something, just tell him.

What if she wants a partner who actually talks to her though. You make it sound like NDs have a sixth sense where they can absorb required information through osmosis.

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02 Sep 2016, 1:42 pm

The one thing that occurs to me, from my own experience, is insecurity. I've been reluctant to communicate because I felt (for no good reason in the present relationship) insecure. All I can think is that, when you're at a point where you're really pissed off with the/each other and you express this and nothing breaks, that's a good foundation stone.

Otherwise, I think you have to keep at it, and it will get easier over time.

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02 Sep 2016, 2:33 pm

hurtloam wrote:

rdos wrote:

Stop using NT communication with another Aspie ASAP. There is no need for two NDs to be doing this, and instead, if you want something, just tell him.

What if she wants a partner who actually talks to her though. You make it sound like NDs have a sixth sense where they can absorb required information through osmosis.

Yeah I was wondering about that comment. I never suggested I wanted him and I to "communicate like NTs" I simply want us to share open communication about emotional things and everything else. I have a friend and her boyfriend who communicate about everything and deal with issues before they get out of hand. They sit down and discuss things they need to work on. I want something like that.

rdos
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02 Sep 2016, 5:49 pm

hurtloam wrote:

rdos wrote:

Stop using NT communication with another Aspie ASAP. There is no need for two NDs to be doing this, and instead, if you want something, just tell him.

What if she wants a partner who actually talks to her though. You make it sound like NDs have a sixth sense where they can absorb required information through osmosis.

Some appear to have, and when you meet one of those, it's fascinating how words are not needed anymore. :-)

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02 Sep 2016, 5:53 pm

lidsmichelle wrote:

Yeah I was wondering about that comment. I never suggested I wanted him and I to "communicate like NTs" I simply want us to share open communication about emotional things and everything else.

To talk about emotions is extremely NT.

lidsmichelle wrote:

I have a friend and her boyfriend who communicate about everything and deal with issues before they get out of hand. They sit down and discuss things they need to work on. I want something like that.

Also NT.

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02 Sep 2016, 6:43 pm

Rdos is actually a wizard..

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02 Sep 2016, 7:20 pm

http://bigthink.com/articles/do-people- ... e-emotions

Discussing emotions may beyond his abilities. Sort of like getting a blind person to tell you the color of the car that hit him.

lidsmichelle
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02 Sep 2016, 7:30 pm

rdos wrote:

lidsmichelle wrote:

Yeah I was wondering about that comment. I never suggested I wanted him and I to "communicate like NTs" I simply want us to share open communication about emotional things and everything else.

To talk about emotions is extremely NT.

lidsmichelle wrote:

I have a friend and her boyfriend who communicate about everything and deal with issues before they get out of hand. They sit down and discuss things they need to work on. I want something like that.

Also NT.

Hey perhaps shut up lol. My friend is also an aspie. So yeah you're wrong but please continue acting like we can't discuss our feelings so you don't have to discuss yours.

Suggesting that people who are terrible at intuiting things about others should avoid talking about feelings is the dumbest thing I've heard in a while. Exactly how do you expect a relationship to work with neither of those things?

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02 Sep 2016, 7:31 pm

BTDT wrote:

http://bigthink.com/articles/do-people-with-autism-experience-emotions

Discussing emotions may beyond his abilities. Sort of like getting a blind person to tell you the color of the car that hit him.

It isn't beyond his capabilities. I know, because he does do it sometimes. I just want it to be more common.

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02 Sep 2016, 9:40 pm

A low stress environment may facilitate more communication.

The proper choice of housing and jobs may go a long way toward keeping the stress level low.

My stress level went down when I moved into a single family house. For me, a steady job that pays well is better than higher paying jobs of short duration.

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03 Sep 2016, 2:25 am

Just don't make drama and all will be well.
Don't expect him to be like other girls' boyfriends you know - who they may exaggerate in their claims how emotionally they communicate.

Don't try to imitate other couples.

nurseangela
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03 Sep 2016, 2:33 am

Aspie men don't communicate - especially about feelings. Right Boo?

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The_Face_of_Boo
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03 Sep 2016, 2:36 am

nurseangela wrote:

Aspie men don't communicate - especially about feelings. Right Boo?

Men overall are less likely to talk about emotions.
That's really a typical gender conflict more than anything.

He will talk about emotions when it's the right time.

Don't make it a constant daily "demand".

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