Don't expect someone to love you

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So this is the thing I learnt. To keep ourselves busy and preoccupied with things like studying, working, volunteering, traveling, hanging out with friends and family. It helps you to forget about negative and anxiety stuff about being single and want a relationship and/or sex. It not an intentional 'forgetting about it', but it helps to maintain ourselves positively and wellbeing. Being ourselves of enjoying what we want to do for our lives is a biggest influence to help to reach your goals.

I am sure that my goals is to have a girlfriend and eventually have a family of my own. But the priorities right now its about myself. That goal will achieve once you done with yourself.

I am not expecting many positive responses from here, but that how it goes. This is life. Forget about what other people do, it doesn't work for you if you try do a same. I know few people having rebound relationships (I am not trying to say this is wrong thing) are not helping themselves being positive or delaying their lives of what they want to do. Thus seeing them unhappy people.

Yeah, I agree. I've been feeling really awful about one person lately and I'm not happy. The thing that's been dragging me down isn't so much him, it's just he's like the last straw in a whole load of feeling rejected.

I could cry about that and feel miserable or I could find positive things to do. Doesn't mean I've given up completely on finding someone, I've just given up feeling miserable about him and feeling rejected (or I will do in a few weeks or so whilst I work through it).

It's difficult to see things that way when it seems that everybody and their grandma has or has had relationships while you've barely been able to even make friends. And that feeling is made even worse when past friends have abandoned you because their girlfriends were far more interesting to them.

Interesting to hear from your responses. It is true hearing about our grandparents generation of how they got into relationships. I remember both sides of my grandparents stories of how they got together. Their stories are rare today because of society change.

I understand how aspies here tend to be aggravated about themselves before considering a relationship. I used to be so depressive and angry about why being single and virgin that bothers me. I listened to people and I helped myself to understand what is more important. Its about ourselves, not for others. I am quite extroverted person, like many of my NT friends. We never be so passive on ourselves about the communication challenges.

Communication is a problem in our current generation because people don't talk about making strategies that would improve connection with other people. That why there are relationship issues.

Relationships are lottery. You can never know when and if you will win one. Even if you spend your all money on tickets the chance of winning is very small.

What you're talking about is living life as you have to.

I'll add however - it's the best strategy, but be aware you can just as easily find someone as you sort your life out or never find anyone at all. You're right that finding a life partner shouldn't be the kind of priority that stubs and displaces the development of your own integrity but truthfully there are no guarantees and as far as I can tell merit is another thing, for either men or women, that's irrelevant when it comes to this side of life.

If I could tell myself something at age twenty, it would be that I shouldn't look to NTs as an example of how relationships should be or expect to be at the same level at that age. I'd like to have known that it would be a long road and I would need to pick up a lot of experience of the world and of people - and fight hard to do so, and fail a lot - before I had anywhere near the emotional or social maturity NTs do at that age. I'm not sure it would have come more easily but it might have come slightly quicker.

Last edited by E V Tooms on 30 May 2016, 6:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You're right, love is in no way guaranteed for any of us. Not even the love of your own parents/family, nevertheless anyone else. The belief that life and the world are going to be "fair" leads to misery and anger.

The world can be indeed a very lonely and cruel place, for some more than others.

Not always lonely and cruel place. When you focus on yourself and make efforts to enjoy life of what you want to focus on especially your interests, employment and that. It helps to understand the differences of people between all of us. I know lot of people in young 20's had a relationship once, then they stopped having them during mid 20's because the influence of university studies, getting a job and traveling. So I can see how these people learned something from such a young age.

It can be tricky, but I still know there are people are in relationships are married from their 20's. Like you said, life is like a lottery. But it doesn't have to be that way. The world is not as lonely and cruel as we all think. There are many people out in the communities trying to have their voice to be heard of. This is problematic, even when you aware more things around you in terms of communication. I recently read a book called 'People's skills' by Robert Bolton, PhD. This book helps a lot to understand ourselves and other people, even for us people on the spectrum. This is a guide to improve our vision to the world.

Hell that, only 3 out of 20 of my close circle of friends are in relationships. They are between 19 and 30. Pretty interesting to know this right? Because they said it not important, and they are not looking like constantly because life have other things to do. They know they want a partner, they said they wait be patient and let it happens naturally. This is when you are not thinking.

I think you are acquiring a more mature view of things, Ecomatt.

Never lose hope. You've accomplished much. I'm sure a woman will take a fancy to you soon.

I wasn't trying to imply it was, it's just one of the facets and I'm very glad you also see the other ones. It's a good thing to search for and concentrate on the positives, but a big mistake to ignore the negatives as in having an idealised view of things and expecting people and the world itself to accommodate you or be "fair".

You actually seem to have a rather balanced attitude and that's a sign of maturity

Also, keep in mind that being in a relationship doesn't necessarily means you have love.

I just know how it is because I listened and that.

I am still in dreads seeing other aspie guys in other threads still complaining.

The key, really, is to not disdain people who complain.

It's to explain to the complainers why it's useless to complain.

And to do it in a collegial manner--like you're friends, rather than someone superior to them.

Look at the bright side: being stuck in a "blaming the world" attitude (I'm not talking here about occasional venting) is detrimental to yourself, while concentrating on your life and well-being as you seem to be doing, will pay off, even if the process can be difficult and take time

I don't see it as depending on others as much as I see it as a reality of the way we are. There will always be some well-intentioned person that has AS that is married or is in some type of relationship that will say something like" have faith, don't give up; there is someone for everyone". That may be fine for them but not for the inviduals who have more of a reclusive type of AS (which I am one of) One size does not fit all. There are many types of AS and all types are different