I met a really sweet girl. I feel guilty about dating her.

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This week, I met a really sweet girl in the unlikeliest of places: on Tinder. I guess we both swiped right on each other, and had a match. We talked through the app for a few days. During our conversations, she said some things that set off red flags in my head, but they were very little red flags. To use one generic example, she was jumping all over the place with conversations, such as about crossword puzzles and then about her favorite animal. That, and giving me Facebook-like status updates via Tinder. I, in turn, used to PUA-esque communication tactics to keep her interest going strong. By the time Wednesday, our date day, rolled around, I started having second thoughts. But I decided to take the moral high ground and see her. Honestly, I was nervous, because her all-over-the-place Tinder communication style never gave me a clear mental picture of her. Her face was very cute, though.

She lives in a less wealthy area than mine, due to money problems she admitted to. We met at a hipster-ish Middle Eastern cafe. After an hour, I found myself feeling ethereally relaxed in her presence. She had a very warm, sweet vibe that sent light pulses through my oxytocin channels that had been dark since 2006, when I had a date with a girl of a similar personality. (The IT-esque fiber optics analogy is more in tune with my aspie self than anything remotely spiritual.) There were a few moments when we exchanged fixated eye contact, with no discomfort whatsoever, which I guess means she's not an aspie. For the entire day on Thursday, I was riding a major serotonin high (cf. dopamine high from escorts), and felt spacey and distracted. I found myself constantly humming the song "Price Tag" by Jessie J.

Now, I use a rating system for romantic candidates, based the one America uses for terrorism risk, with 5 levels: Low, Guarded, Elevated, High, and Severe. In the past 7 years, only one person got a Low rating: someone I had a fling with on a cruise. And now, this girl got a Low rating too. Everyone else was at least Guarded, with most being Elevated or above. I just felt so safe with her, I was floored. What's even ironic more is that there was very little physical contact during the date: just me grabbing her hand once to emphasize a point. I would love to give her a chance, date her, and see what happens...

...And yet, I just feel guilty about wanting to date her. And I think I know why.

1. Wrong reason for attraction.
I feel like I'm attracted to this girl for the wrong reasons. It seem that I'm drawn to her not for her sweet demeanor, cute face, and willingness to go dancing, but specifically for her lack of danger to me. Or more specifically, her Low threat rating. (To contrast, my previous date's rating was Elevated.) I'm old enough to know that it's not a good reason to be attracted to someone. But while I like how she looks and what she's like as a person, my mind keeps going back to how non-threatening she is. Am I a bad person for feeling this way?

2. Her age
She just turned 22. (And I'm 33.) At this point in my life, I'm very much attracted to younger women. And this girl is proof why. She's got that sweet, youthful energy that touches my heart, which women my age simply don't have. Not to mention she told me she didn't date in high school, which made me see a lot of myself in her. But I don't know how she'd feel about dating an older man. After all, she doesn't strike me as a "wise beyond her years" type, at all. Innocence very much shows through in the way she carries herself. Also, her physical age seems to match my neurological age. So is it wrong to date her?

3. Friendship.
I feel like the best course of action for me, is to keep this girl as a friend, and drop all ideas of dating her. I owe great thanks to escorts for this. They allowed me to take sex off the table entirely, and to find it within myself to genuinely care about nice, sweet girls like this one, as opposed to seeing them as my access channel to sex. (After all, I'm more likely to get sex from these girls, than from conventionally sexy ones.) I'm sure she's better off just having me as a friend too, because then we can enjoy each other's company, dance together, and not complicate the friendship with something I can easily get for $300. And I'll just learn to deal with any residual infatuation-like feelings. What do you think?

4. Expectations of a relationship.
This is a relatively low priority, given her age, when she's unlikely to want to settle down. But ideally, I'd like to be FWB's, with a relationship being a very distant second I'll settle for. But what if she wants a relationship? It will be wrong to lie to her and tell her I want one too, when that's clearly not true. Given how nice she is, my conscience won't let me do anything other than tell the truth. I'll tell her that I can't give her a relationship, but I'll be happy to be good friends. Conversely, with the women I pursued before, whose threat levels were Guarded or higher, I didn't have a problem lying to. Is it bad to feel this way about this girl?

Thoughts? Please be serious with input. This woman is the first one I met in years that I actually found non-threatening. Or am I misreading the whole interaction, and she just wants to be friends to begin with? Which renders this thread silly and unnecessary.

You're overthinking it. You obviously enjoyed her company. Just arrange to meet her again and see how it goes.

^Yup

Connecting more with feelings than thinking required, good luck .

I see no problem with dating her, and at 22 she is not too young to settle down. The age difference is not too big either.

1. Finding someone safe means you like them and are attracted to their personality. It may not be something *specific* that you can point to, but it is an overall reaction to who they are. Legitimate reason to like someone.

2. Your age. Let her decide. Don't make this decision FOR her. My parents are 9-1/2 years apart and married by choice (nothing arranged) when my mom was 19. They've been happily married over 40 years now.

3. I think the best way for any relationship to start out is friends. That level of comfort is very important. Every happily married couple I know started out as friends and remain friends, although the relationship is obviously now more than that. People who think that friendships never develop into romantic relationships are just wrong. There does need to be some sexual attraction to move it beyond friendship, but it happens. Here, I'd just say be patient. You just met the girl.

4. Why is it that you don't want a relationship with her? How do you know? You just met her. Just date some more. One date isn't enough to decide anything. No need to lie. No need to say anything about it at all!

In short, you've said in past posts Aspie1 that due to previously negative experiences, you fear future relationships.

This is just your mind trying to sabotage yourself - just date her.

I'd like to more bullet points:

5. My friends' girlfriends
There's nothing I'd like more than to rub in their smug, downward-looking faces that I'm in a relationship too. Any girlfriend can work for this. Kind of like showing a membership card to an angry bouncer at a private club, and seeing his shocked reaction when he doesn't expect you to be a member. But again, because this girl is so non-threatening, I feel guilty about "using" her for that. There's another problem: due to women's natural camaraderie, they'll start gossiping to her the minute they meet her, telling her many unflattering facts about me. By contrast, right now, she seems to think very highly of me, and I want to keep it that way.

6. Cognitive dissonance
Because I met her on Tinder and she had a cute face, I braced myself for her being stuck-up or an ice queen. Can't blame for for reading the same into her messages. So her being all sweet and warm during our date threw me into a major cognitive dissonance. On one hand, she acted like an open book; on the other hand, I can't figure her out! She effectively hacked my robust threat defense system, that makes a Macbook Air look like Windows 95. And lit up my oxytocin channels that were dark since 2006, with her simple presence, not even kissing.

Just thought I'd give you guys more information to work with.

Meet her again and learn more about her. We can't tell you more about her. We don't know her.

Try to get to know her better,that will dispell the mystery.

I'm well aware that I should get to know this girl better before jumping to conclusions about her. I'll definitely ask her on another date, perhaps one that allows some limited physical intimacy, like a movie. However, most, if not all, of my concerns went unaddressed. If you won't tell me anything else, at least tell me this: Is it bad of me to feel attracted specifically to someone's lack of threat/danger? As opposed to her personality or even good looks. Heck, even really friendly, attractive women I met at singles' parties and had dates with still got only a Guarded rating, rather than Low.

I try to think rationally about her as a real person, but my mind keeps going back to one thing: non-threatening.

I don't think you are attracted to her for "lack of threat/danger". You probably are attracted to her because she is compatible, which is a whole lot better than only liking somebody for their looks.

It's normal to be attracted to someone you feel safe and comfortable with. It's something I want very much.

It's pretty awful being with someone you feel unsafe with, who makes you feel on edge.

I don't think you're taking advantage. I think you've learned what you want and need through experience and that's a good thing.

"5. My friends' girlfriends"

You shouldn't use her for this. She's too 'innocent' for it and you know it. Will it be difficult of you to let go of the fact you can't use her like that or will it be easy for you?

6. Cognitive dissonance

It happens. If it really is that strong, perhaps upgrade her from 'Low' to 'Guarded'.

I'm assuming you think if somethings too good to be true, it probably is. Then continue to think this, but also be open to dating her, and let down your protective walls when ready.

Don't be stand-offish but don't blindly accept her either when it's only been one date.

"I try to think rationally about her as a real person, but my mind keeps going back to one thing: non-threatening."

Consider it Step 1.

You barely know her so this is step 1 to liking other parts of who she is and her personality, and if after a while you can only like her because she makes you feel safe and nothing else, THAT is when you start to question whether you can continue dating her or not.

No people do go on tinder to date. Google it if you don't believe me.

I didn't read the first post properly. I thought you were just writing a list of excuses not to have a relationship. Your usual "relationships are bad, boo, hisss" Also you're just assuming that she wants one.

Maybe ask her what she's looking for. Don't lie if she wants something different. You don't want to hurt her, so don't

Thing is, if you do spend more time together you might actually work well together and you may end up wanting something more serious. But you won't know if you don't get to know her better.

Your connection sounds too good to just walk away from.