What I'm doing wrong?

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Well, something has just struck me. I've talked about a problem before that I have with building walls and being distant without intending to be. I'm never really sure how to bridge the gap.

I've been flicking through Men are from Mars Women are from Venus (I'll be honest I've never read it because the title annoys me.)

There's a section on how men like to feel trusted, admired amd needed. Now the men I've liked have been people I have admired, but I just expected them to know that because I wanted to spend time with them. To me spending time with him means I obviously like him.

However I am not at all generous with complements. I don't mean buttering someone up with insincere flattery, I just don't offer a compliment when in my head I'm thinking "what he did was really good."

How is he meant to know I appreciate him if I don't actually express it to him?

Also in an age when women encourage each other to be strong and independent and I'm always being told "you don't need a man," I have learned not to let men feel needed by me. My single friends are the same. They say, "men are scared of strong women," but I think they (men) just assume we don't want them or that we don't care about them because we are just getting on with our lives without needing them to do anything for us.

It feels like catch22.
Too needy =unappealing.
Too independent =unappealing.

IMO spending time together and having emotional engagement is the most important thing.

Otherwise it doesn't matter how independent you are.

I would have avoided the book

Well the independence thing women and men push men to be independent (women been family members usually but friends do it as well) so think of it getting off lightly . Been independent isn't a bad thing that would depend on what your partner expects I suppose.

Now appearing needy isn't wanted before a relationship but in one it definitely isn't wrong needing someone's company for example should be a mutually felt thing. And knowing your partner needs that wouldn't put someone off unless they didn't feel the same way (doomed relationship at that point anyway imo). Now been needy for things like changing a light bulb... that's stepping into the wrong area.

I've followed quite a few of your threads and I don't think you are doing anything inherently wrong, but not knowing you in person it's a real hard one to judge I am afraid :S. I am getting the impression you are seeing something not there a lot of the times and possibly missing it when there is, another catch 22 :S and not uncommon

OK I overplayed the spending time with. I've invited him somewhere twice. That's not really that much time. He said yes both times. And i've said yes to one invite from him.

I'm not good at encouraging guys because I don't want to get hurt. Which is also catch22. Draw them closer, they don't like you and leave. Keep them at arms length, they think you don't like them and leave.

The chances are pretty good that any woman who says "men are scared of strong women" is trying to blame men for the fact that she herself just isn't likable. It's the same with the dubious claim, "Men are intimidated by me, that's why I'm single." Well, lady, it's possible that you're single because men are intimidated by you; it's also possible that you're single because you're a shrew.

Last edited by Darmok on 09 Jun 2016, 2:58 am, edited 1 time in total.

I think it's just time for you to take matters into your own hands. Just be direct with him worst outcome he is not interested. Best he likes you as well and you can take it from there.

But at least you will have an answer either way. I think this is tearing you apart a bit. (I know that's a bit of an understatement)

That's true to a certain extent, but I have a friend who is a quite soul who said this to me recently. She's independent in that she has her own apartment and works full time. She's very clever too, but I think she's too passive. She also said, "If a guy likes me he should make an effort and let me know."

Now you're not going to gain someone's interest by sitting around hoping they will notice you. Men need some encouragement too.

That's why I thought the idea of complimenting men when you really mean it is a good idea. Let them know that you value them and see something good in their actions. Afterall who isn't drawn to someone who shows that they genuinely like them. Especially if they kinda though you were nice anyway and weren't sure if you like them too.

Many men are scared of strong women, though. Or smart women, or women smarter than them. They are insecure and have been taught they have to be leaders and provide. They don't know how to deal with a woman more capable than them (or more capable in certain ways, at least).

I think a lot of men have difficulty seeing a woman's talent before her appearance, too. They expect women to be pretty and to make being pretty a priority, and think men are supposed to develop skill/talent and not worry about appearance. Avoid!

Nope, I'm not like that. Talk like that makes me uncomfortable, as in "what do you want from me?"



Agree. Or even to just flirt with them.



I don't like compliments. At least not verbal ones. If people want to show their appreciation, they need to do it with actions, not flattery or compliments. Just as above, I interpret compliments as "what do you want from me?"

I, myself, appreciate sincere compliments.

And I, also, like to give sincere compliments, too.

I'm not scared of "strong" woman. In fact, strength in a woman turns me on.

I like a feminine-looking woman who speaks her mind (with a sweet voice, of course, hee hee).

Ah, but how many of you chaps who say you like intelligent women would go out with one who didn't seem to be that into you? Would you bother?

I don't think so.

I like somebody who seems "into me," rather than somebody who acts standoffish.

And that sums up the point of this thread.

That's not related to intelligence. If she doesn't appear to be into me, then I'll leave her alone regardless if she is smart or dumb.

I wouldn't because I would think I was bothering her. But, you don't have to use a lot of compliment to show you're into something. If I ask them to spend time together and they accept, then they are interested enough. If they stop accepting, I'll get the point.

If you listen to a girl's jokes, and laugh with them, even if they are bad, then you're showing regard for the girl, and respect, too.