Arrrrgh!! I can't fall back in love w/my husband

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Hi,

Long story short - we have been married 10 years. From the beginning I felt alone in the marriage - tried to make this relationship work. During this time, there were periods where he would emotionally abanded me, periods of emotional abuse and physical abuse(pushing and shoving during heated arguements). I eventually fell out of love with him. It took me a long time, but I was able to make myself happy again, accept the marriage is over, emotionally prepared myself to be ready to move on. Recently he had an awakening and realized how wrong he was, realized the emotional pain he caused me. He has declared his love for me was always there and went on to tell me his deepest feelings for me. I never knew how much in love in he was with me. He has said things to me that he never mentioned before. He apologized for not saying these things sooner.

He is trying so hard to make me fall in love with him again. He has been the best ever these past 3 months. He is trying to do everything to please me. I just can't feel love for him. He now wants to go away for the weekend. He thinks if we have alone time we might be able to work things out. I guess I should mention we have 3 children, ages 3 - 9. He is constantly "in my face" about this. I think it is driving me further away. I tried to tell him to stop, it's not working, but he continues. It is tearing me up inside to see him hurting this bad. I don't want to hurt him. I guess the best thing for all of us would be to fall in love with him, I just can't find it in me to do so. Why? I don't know what to do.

Advice please. Thanks

Carol

Hey there --

I had a VERY similar situation with my soon-to-be former husband. He, too, was emotionally and psychologically abusive toward me.

For me, the issue comes down to trust. Quite simply, I didn't trust him anymore. He has responded with more abuse about how I'm "not allowing myself to forgive" him.

My advice to you is to get some counseling on your own to decide your feelings on this matter. Often, a third party is really helpful in seeing a new perspective.

If you come to realize you CAN'T fall in love again with your husband, then I think you owe it to yourself (and your kids) to get out. The only thing worse than a divorce (I think) is staying in a marriage with someone you come to resent and hate. Kids pick up on that stress, and it can really mess with their heads.

I don't think so. I think your instinct knows that falling back in love with him would be bad for both you and the children, and that however hard he tries, he is extremely likely to fall back into his old pattern, and you too.

I haven't ever been able to fall back in love with someone once I finally am able to recover myself...and I think there is a danged good reason for that. Just my opinion...

Well, you asked, so this is what I think. You're being very selfish; reality is that no relationship is ever perfect. The "emotional abuse" you mention just sounds like an excuse to justify you wanting to leave your husband. If he hit you, then that would be abuse, but "emotional abandonment" is just down to perception; it's just the difference between how women and men interact. Most importantly, you have kids. You have a responsibility to them until they are eighteen, in my opinion. Kids need a mother, and father; that gives them the best chance of developing into balanced individuals.

You state your husband is now making an effort, and so it is incumbent on you, as his wife, to do the same. You made the decision to marry him, you took the marriage vows, you took on that responsibility; so, live with it like any person with integrity should.

While I'll agree that children - as a general rule - need a mother and a father there are times when quality overrides quantity. Furthermore, nowhere do I see indications she is taking the children overseas never to be seen by their father again.

I guess it would be so much better for them to live in a wildly dysfunctional household, where mom pretends to like dad and dad doesn't even try and keep his physical and emotionally abusive behaviors hidden from the kids. Heck, pretty soon he'll be running the three of them up the flagpole too.

But that's surely a better situation than if she should walk away from the marriage? Because she's the one who has to have integrity? Responsibility? What about his end of the deal? He can do whatever he pleases, but mom has to stick it out for some 50's idea of what's best for the kids?

Yep, you guessed it, my parents stayed married "for the good of the child". Nothing was further from the truth. Watching their antics nearly ruined my chances of a normal relationship in the future.

People don't change. Not often enough for it to count. And if they do, it's usually for the worse.

Just my .02, from someone who's been there, done that.

I can totally relate. I have been through great times of discouragement in my marriage and nearly threw in the towel, but I agree with much of what Ascan has said.
I decided that real love isn't driven by emotions but is based on actions prompted by wise decisions. I have decided to work things out and act out of love even if I don't feel like it. Surprisingly, the love does return if I focus on the positive and keep working on the problems. Now that your husband realizes his shortcomings, you can both begin to grow together in new ways. You have invested so much in 10 years that can never be recovered if you give up now.
Studies show that children who grow up in unhappily married homes still fare better than children who are forced to deal with divorce and the consequences of blended families.
I could never bear the guilt of knowing I caused irrepairable damage to my kids.
The grass is seldom greener on the other side of the fence. It only seems that way when you're sick of your spouse. You may benefit from a brief separation. I believe that this should be done under the guidance of a counselor. Maybe you could see things more clearly from a distance and it might give you a little bit of time to begin to actually miss your husband. Try to think of all of the benefits of marriage and family. Then, compare them to the benefits of divorce and single parenthood.
Under NO circumstances should you EVER put up with physical violence. That is totally unacceptable. A good book to read is Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It teaches how to hold your ground and don't give in when someone is psychologically and emotionally abusive. Marriage is hard. I have found that my joy and fulfillment have matched my darkest times of disallusionment. Wishing you the best.

Hi Carol

Of course only you can know what ultimately is good or bad for you, but there seem two telling things in your posting which ring alarm bells.

Abuse in any shape or form is not acceptable and witnessing it cannot be good for your children. Your husband may be as good as gold at the moment, but is he going to go back to his bad old ways as soon as he feels safe?

Secondly, the fact that he is constantly in your face about the children suggests that they are his priority, not you. In other words, he doesn't want to move out and see them less frequently if you were to divorce and you got custody.

As I said, you are the best person to decide what is best as you know the whole story and can assess the whole impact of staying on or walking out, but perhaps a joint visit to a marriage counsellor may help you in your decision. You must be absolutely honest, though, and mention both the abuse and that your husband seems to be motivated to save the marriage partly, or chiefly, by the fact that you have children.

A lot of words of wisdom to ponder from all of you. It is a good feeling to find people who can relate to what I am feeling as I am going through this time in life. It has been very difficult for my NT husband to understand my feelings, even though he is finally trying. This is a life-changing decision that I have to make. It is very scary. The fact that my husband is asking several times a day if I had made a decision doesn't help any.

Thanks again for the advice.

Carol

I have been there. Try this: ask yourself if you want to live with this man for the rest of your life, and visualize that. How does that make you feel? If the thought fills you with panic, dread, and suffocation, and a desperate need to escape, (which is what I felt) maybe you shoudl quietly consider making a life for yourself. Frankly, I wouldn't tell him so right away. The next time he pressures you for a decision, tell him that the more he pressures you, the more confused or upset or whatever you feel, and that you'd prefer that he stop asking you that question, that when you decide you will let him know.

And when you decide, get your ducks in a row before telling him, because controlling men have ways of making life extremely miserable and almost impossible once they see that you really do want to leave. I don't know your husband, but you might need an emergency back-up plan, a place to escape to with the kids if things get really crazy.

But: maybe the thought of being with him forever has some hope in it when you think of it? In that case, you might want to consider counseling, try to identify sources of conflict, and work it out.

How about your kids? What do they say? Mine asked me why I was letting him treat them badly and when I told them I was thinking of leaving, their reaction was relief and hope. This gave me the strength to actually follow through and go. Every time he turned on the charm, I'd remember my kids and replay them begging me to do something, and the bad scenes that had happened with them.

I did. I believed. I went back. It was great for 2 years....

2 years after that it changed... I realized it wasn't about love as much as it was about control with him. It's virtually impossible to control someone's life if they're not there to let you do it.

It's still a work in progress with us....we are both trying to work through the problems we both have, and get past the problems we had in the past.

Think on it.

For me in my first marriage, "marriage and family" included a verbally abusive alcoholic (him) and a sense of despair that wasn't going to lift (me). I would say the benefits of divorce and single parenthood were the opportunity to fall in love and find someone with whom I could have a rich, deep relationship full of love, trust, and support. I've been with that man for 10 years, this time with all the benefits of marriage and family.

Not that it was particularly easy during the transition and in the years I was a single parent; but staying there would have been terrible for all of us. And I truly believe that my daughter is better off seeing me happy and in a relationship based on love and respect than seeing me tough it out through years of despair and acrimony with her father.

I understand about both marriage and divorce. I have been married twice, divorced once. I, like Grayson, was married to an alcoholic, drug abusing cheater and do not regret divorcing him. Even so, I agonized over the effect that it would have on our children. The prospect of them growing up in an abusive home would certainly be worse than single parenthood, obviously.

But in this situation, I don't think that addiction and abuse are at the core. If I am wrong, please correct me. Divorce hurts people and the children always get the worst end of it. Feeling like we are "in love" is not the primary goal of marriage, it's a bonus. Life-changing decisions should be very seriously considered and reconsidered. If the husband has acknowledged his part, half of the battle has been won. I would encourage you to go the distance.

Well it certainly sounds like you care a lot about him at least. Perhaps this IS love.

He won't change and there is nothing worse for kids to live in a household with two parents who don't get along. I know! Kids whose parents don't get along wonder why their parents don't just get a divorce. They want their parents to be happy and the instability doesn't do them any good.

Research shows that kids of parents who divorce but are civil to each other (and good parents) do much better than with parents who shouldn't be together. It's healithier for them to learn that that breaking up is OK for self-preservation than to stay with someone who isn't nice to you. What kind of a lesson is it for you to tell your kids, "Yeah, he's abusive, but it's OK to stay and not protect yourself and not enjoy your life as long as you stay together". HELL NO!

Yes, DO think on this. Is he actively seeking help for his issues, or is he trying to 'be good' on his own? The red flag to me in your post was that he is all up in your face about the children. He's not getting his way with his charm, so he's using guilt on you.

Old habits die hard without lots and lots of effort. And sadly, sometimes, even with lots of effort, the ship has still sailed. Good luck. *hugs*

Uh... isn't this a 4-year-old topic?