Looking for Marriage Advice I Can Actually Put to Use

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I'm new here, I've been browsing around on the forums a bit trying to find some answers, but wasn't coming up with anything I felt I could work with, so... I'll be specific.

I've been married for almost 9 years now to a woman I love dearly, or at least from what I've come to understand, as dearly as I'm capable of loving her. We've been through a lot in those 9 years, but I'd have to say the overwhelming majority of it has been really rough, and I feel like I'm mostly to blame for that. My belief had always been that if I did everything with "good intentions" that I couldn't go wrong. It didn't take long for me to see that life doesn't work that way.

Only recently my wife pointed me towards Aspergers as a possible explanation for my behavior. Up until then I was even more confused about our relationship and why nothing I did ever got through to her, or why I could never anticipate the way she was feeling. We've been to a number of different therapists, but I feel like the result is always the same thing: I seem like a really nice guy, and I seem to be doing my part, but it takes 2 to make the relationship work. The thing is... it sounds like she's being told exactly the same thing.

The theme that seems to dominate all of these problems is that I show no initiative. I realize that I'm perfectly content with very little, and basically every aspect of my life confirms that. I don't go after things I want, I just avoid things I don't want. In the context of a relationship though, this leaves my wife feeling completely worthless. There was a time when I used to do things for her, things I wanted to do. I've gotten myself into a rut where all the romantic things I used to want to do, I don't want to do anymore because of how many times I've failed at them. I don't know if it's the fact that I've failed at them so much as the fact that we're married now, and she's looking for more than boyfriend/girlfriend significance in our relationship. I've always gone to others for advice on romantic things I can do for her, but I feel like someone who's just awkwardly trying to make due by speaking a few words they've been told of a whole language they don't understand.

I've been doing a LOT of searching around on the Internet for resources I can refer to for making a difference in my marriage, but it seems like everything I read seems to be geared towards the NT spouse making accommodations for their AS partner. I haven't received a formal diagnosis, but my therapist tells me I seem very socially capable. I know my own thoughts and feelings and SOOO many of the stories I've read about people in these situations seem to fit exactly.

Does anyone know of any good resources or just maybe have some actionable advice for someone like me? I feel like I'm just wasting my life away here staring out into space because I don't know what to do. I'm willing to do, but if I don't know what TO do, I'm still trapped. I've gone to my wife countless times with that question and she's answered it countless times, but I'm always struggling with how.

Anyways, getting that out there... thanks to anyone who's even stopped by to give this a look. I have been so incredibly miserable, and I know it has to be 1,000 times worse for my wife.

I have a very good relationship with my Fiance, but I feel I may be able to offer you some insight.

We communicate well and we are brutally honest with each other.

Someone like you? Can you elaborate?

It seems, Your wife wants romantic gestures, which you no longer attempt to do because you have failed at them in the past?...

I never stop doing things for my Fiance, Failure is a motivator for me. I don't like to beaten, I will try and try until I have succeed. And you know what? I've gotten heaps better at things and somethings I have just had to accept I have very little skill in.

What kind of things would you do for her if you weren't afraid to fail?

There's a book by a guy who saved his marriage after realizing he was an Aspie--The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband by David Finch.

I would say that our communication ironically is good, but it's like the things she communicates to me just don't stick, or they're not things I can work with. I frustrate her to the point of yelling and tears the way I continually ask for more detail. I guess when I type it out like that our communication really isn't that good.

She's absolutely honest with me. I can't ever say she's been anything but that. I feel like the struggle, for her, is that she needs these things to come from me, and I feel like they don't, or at least they don't anymore.

Someone like me... hmm... as I said, I've been told that I seem very socially capable. My biggest problem here really just seems to be determining what to do and then doing it. Maybe I'm just way off in my expectations of how difficult that's actually supposed to be. I guess I just thought that in 8 years I'd have started to figure it out.

It's important to note that early in our marriage I betrayed her trust by keeping the fact that a girl had a crush on me a secret from her and not cutting this girl out of our life when I knew about it. This was a significant event where my "best intentions" got me absolutely nowhere. I know, in retrospect, the way I handled the situation was absolutely wrong, but I feel like I can't fully understand just how devastating it was to her for me to really work towards resolving it. Things had been shaky before this situation, but everything has been significantly worse since I did that.

I've read a number of places that people with Aspergers are loyal to a fault and always completely honest. I feel like in the majority of cases that's true, but if your logic dictates that it would do less damage to withhold the truth, that this form of dishonesty is still possible. Of course everyone's experience is different, that's just been something I keep reading and keep feeling even more guilty about... like the one altruistic thing I could possibly have going for me in this I've just destroyed as well.

Thanks for your reply... hopefully that clarifies things a bit...

Thank you for the recommendation @arielhawksquill, I'll check that out, looks promising. Most articles I've come across seem to be pretty limited as far as the story they tell. Usually seems to be largely the work of a "very motherly wife" and honestly, often one with autism experience. This sounds like it's more about what the husband himself is doing.

Communication is Important, but it can be frustrating when we don't understand our partners requests. My fiance and I have learnt that we are not always going to understand each other, may need to take a break from the current conversation to lit things settle before trying to understand each others views. We both want to understand, but sometimes it's hard. I'm sure you know this, but taking a break or timeout as we call it, can be good. and not in a frustrated way either, we just agree, nothing is going to be solved this second so we will re visit it and we add it to one of our lists (we have heaps of lists, and it helps!! !)

You do have to want to be in the relationship with your wife, you have to want to make her happy, no one else can do that for you, but if you do, I am more than happy to help you with ideas that have worked for me.

I actually keep a list on my phone, of everything my fiance likes, every time I notice a new like of hers, I add it to the list, could be a TV show, a color, a pattern, doesn't matter! anything that can show I have listened and I care.

I won't go into to much detail on this because I am trying to forget about it. I messed up early on to. I didn't cheat or anything like that, but we did move on from this error in my judgment, and we don't mention it. She knows I regret it and feel crap about it, and she also knows I am aware of how much it hurt her. There is 0 point in dwelling on it, you either both need to get past it, or continue to feel bad about it all your lives. Not to mention she is more than capable of hurting you by accident with the best intentions, it is very difficult when you cannot fully understand how the other views a situation.

I am totally loyal, no question, but our logic can get us in to trouble, and in the beginning it was hard for my Fiance to understand that, but she has since come to terms with the fact, that I am totally in love with her, and I always do my best for her but sometimes my logic gets in the way of something emotional and I completely miss the point, but I have also learnt, honest is the best policy. If I am not sure I will ask her, "If X happened, would you want to know?" (we actually went through a list of them)

She also gave me a box full of envelopes, with cards in them which say things like "Open if X happens", and they remind me how much she loves me and trusts me and what may help. Unfortunately I fear I will never get to see what is in the "Open in case of Zombie Apocalypse" one..

But It not just all you... a marriage / relationship is 2 sided. Its not all up to you to change, she has to compromise to. You need to learn and grow together, if one of you gives up, then really you cannot expect anything to change.

There's a book on Google play:The Asperger love guide... I purchased it and soon offline downloading... may be very helpful

@UnturnedStone, Thanks for all the words of encouragement.

The lists does seem like a good idea. Actually just recently I've started taking some down on my phone. I used to keep a little notebook of things like that... I just still struggle with where to actually apply them. It just seems really illogical to me to dive into situations without knowing if what I'm doing is actually appropriate or not. I feel like maybe I just need to take that risk anyways... but if that's all I've got to offer... is that ever going to be enough to make things work? Is it enough to repair the damage I've done?

@Norbertto, that book sounds like it may be geared a bit more towards those who are looking to enter into a relationship rather than are already in one. I'll keep it in mind though.

I could have given up, but I didn't and we are now stronger than ever and I believe closer than most couples.

My fine motor skills are pathetic at best, my hand writing is shocking and I couldn't cut a straight line to save my life.

My partner knows this, and can tell how much effort I have put into something hand made. It shows thought.

What things do you have in mind? I am happy to help in anyway I can.

I am a NT wife and may be able to help with some perspective (hopefully!)

In regards to the issue of showing no initiative.. Unturned stone had some good advice of keeping a list! It is nice to get a little thoughtful gift everyone once in a while without having to ask for it. I've asked for this forever and I still don't get it. I've even asked to get flowers, and I don't get them. I think my husband feels that he should give these things to me on his own terms, or when he thinks of it (and not when I ask for it) , but he never thinks of it and I don't get them. It does make me feel like he doesn't think of me. He often gets things for himself but not me.

I understand what you mean when you say "things don't stick." I sometimes feel that when I try to explain something to my husband that it's a concept that he just doesn't get. I feel like we speak different languages. I unfortunately don't have much advice for you here, because we're still trying to figure it out, but I can tell you that I wish my husband would talk more about what he is thinking and what is going on in his head so that I can help and maybe change what I am doing. Honesty is good here.

I thought the journal of best practices was a great book, and would be helpful for you to read. I wish my husband had read it.

I hoped that helped a little.

Any general advice for a NT wife? Some things you wish your wife could understand or do?

Cb2 reminded me of something else, sometimes on these notes I have reminders, and set them for a few weeks after I notice something, so it's a surprise and I don't forget. Honestly with out the help of my phone I'd be a useless man, but with it I'm a damn good fiance! (if I don't say so myself)

I also make things, or buy things online and put them away, not for a special occasion just when I feel it's needed eg. She's had a rough day etc.

The biggest thing my fiance does for me, is she doesn't make me feel like a lesser. For example, when tired or stressed I am prone to slam doors, I'm not mad or even upset, I just lack the energy to work out how much force is needed to close the door adequatly but quietly. The first time this happened I explained it to her, since then she won't mention it. When I hear it slam I feel bad enough already, I just want to forget it happened and move on.

Somethings really aren't a big deal and this goes two ways.

But my favourite thing she did recently was buy some batman underwear and his since bought marvel and dc clothing. She's not super into it herself but it makes me feel more comfortable about my geekyness. She doesn't just accept it, she's embracing my likes, even the ones that make me feel like a child sometimes. She makes me feel like she wants to part of my world and that I'm something special. I feel like I belong, for the first time in my life and honestly that's the greatest gift she could ever give me.

9 years of marriage? that's diffitult for NT's either: the seven-year itch
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_seven-year_itch

sometimes "kids" take partners to the next level

Suspected Aspie wife to NT husband here. I can relate to this a lot. In the end, for me, the answer was that romantic gestures need to be planned to actually happen. Lists are a great idea

For years I felt guilty about not being spontaneous and not being good at supporting people emotionally. I really thought I was a very selfish person. With age and experience, and before finding out about Aspergers, I came to the conclusion that I am just very slow at these things. I stopped feeling stupid about coming back to conversations that happened ages ago, and started bringing up new things I'd thought about.

I found out that some people still think I am stupid, but others, such as friends and husband, appreciate that I think of them even when they are not there, and that I actually try to help them with things instead of smothering them with sympathy and forgetting all about it.

What I'm saying is work with your strengths. Aspies can be really thoughtful and considerate in a way that is hard for NTs to think of. Someone who loves you might really appreciate a kind gesture even though it is clumsily executed, because the intention behind it is good. The important thing is actually being nice to your wife, never mind how you get there.

Also, NTs who are married to Aspies can feel awfully lonely at times. We need to work on showing attention and finding out what they want and need in life, and what we can do about it.