So explain

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As a dumb NT and an over emotional one at that - can you help me understand how it feels if someone asks you "do you love me" or tells you "I love you" I always think of love as a lovely beautiful thing. Having had 2 friends die this week the urge to tell my aspie friend how I feel is huge, but I am also aware how uncomfortable he gets when I "do" emotional stuff. Thanks in advance

I don't mind having somebody say that they "love" me.

I get shy, though. And feel a little pressured because I probably don't provide my wife with enough emotional support. I feel pressured to provide her with what she wants (which might be beyond me).

I can understand that you've lost people, and you don't want to lose him. I think directly explaining this to him directly might yield positive results.

I know he knows I care . .. . . And that I appreciate and don't want to lose,him. I have never told him I love him although recently I have realised I,do. I don't want to make him feel,uncomfortable tho

I know he cares as I get many texts each day. Instant replies if I say I'm feeling sad. A beautiful well,thought out and organised birthday treat amongst other things, but it is still strange for me not to hear the caring words . . . ..

Yeah I know....but he is what he is.

You know he cares....isn't that the most important thing?

I feel----that if he, all of a sudden, started getting mushy with you, that you wouldn't like it LOL

Ha you may be right . . . . .. The trouble is for us NTs hearing the words verifies what we think and believe in "he cares" without the words we end up constantly doubting this.

You should ask him if he loves you when you're feeling most vulnerable. If you ask him that all the time, he might feel stifled somehow.

If I ask him if he cares he always says it's a daft unnecessary question . .. . . .

Awww....I know that sucks!

Ironically, I'm an Aspie, and my wife is neurotypical---and she gets irritated if I ask these sorts of questions.

So I know how you're feeling.

I always feel like I show someone I care through my actions but I think it probably means more to me than it does to them. I think maybe the significance of my actions is lost on them.

When it comes to emotional discussions I handle them much better through text. In person I get very tense and it really impedes my ability to convey what I mean.

Depends on what they are like. Me, personally, I grew up in a very verbally and physically affectionate household and we said I love you multiple times a day and hugged all the time, so as long as a stranger isn't saying it to me or someone I'm dating that I haven't been dating for less than 6 months says it then I'm fine with it.

What is he like as a person? Do you think saying it directly to him would be awkward for him?

I honestly don't know. It's weird, I'm aspies but because how I was raised, I struggle with my best friend who is also aspies. I want to tell her I love her all the time and hug her but she's not like me. Her family rarely said I love you or touched each other, so shes not "acclimated" I guess and she doesn't feel comfortable saying I love you to anyone but her mom and significant other, and same with hugging. So I get where you're coming from.

I stopped trying to do either tbh. I end up feeling rejected emotionally with the overall reinforcement and I wouldn't hug someone knowing they weren't comfortable with people being too familiar physically is a huge peeve of mine.

I love the meeting half way idea. And yes, learn to hear what he means by his actions as your validation and you will be happier.

However, in your opening post, you seem most concerned with saying "I love you" to him. Are you concerned that you won't hear it back? Are you afraid of being vulnerable there?

My (NT) husband told me he loved me a full year before I said it back. Embarrassingly the first time, I was just so surprised, I didn't know what to say. So, I didn't say anything. The next time he said it, he asked if I heard the first time. I said "yes, but I'm not ready to say it back yet. I will when I'm ready." I'm sure that sucked hard core for him... But, truthfully I didn't want to rush it and it took me a good long while to be sure.

So, what I'm saying, I guess, is go in with the idea that you couldn't stand for him to die/leave and never truly know how you feel, but without the expectation of hearing it back. It takes some people a little more time to get there...and that's okay too.

Wow thanks for all the replies it really helps- sorry I can't work out how to do the quotes thing so will try to answer the points made here . . . .
Am I worried he won't say it back . . . No I really am not (I often tell him how much I care and how wonderful I think he is without expecting anything in return) my concern is that I may make him run away and hide as he may feel uncomfortable. . . . . .he used to do this a bit but doesn't seem to so much now. I think he trusts me more that I don't have expectations for him to respond in a certain way.

The accepting him as he is, and appreciating all the things he does. I really really do. My birthday treat was so beautiful nobody has ever put so much thought into organising something so original,and appropriate for me before. When I went away recently he texted me at 4am when I was travelling to make sure I was ok.

This issue of feeling that I want him to know that I love him has come about because of the death of 2 friends this week. It makes me want to hold people close and tell them how much they mean to me.

As regards how he is as a person. He is funny witty and warm but touch aversive, and very very rational in his choice of words especially regarding feelings. He doesn't understand the need for discussion, if I cry in front of him he is at a loss as to what to do. He just keeps saying "are you ok there" -I understand all these things and they are not a problem. We have a wonderful friendship but . . . . .. I would like to make sure he really does know how special he is to me . . . . Probably just because of the sh***y week I have

And Bridgette77 I'm sorry you seem to be having a rotten time at the moment. Sending hugs and feel free to send me a PM if you want to talk x