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What advice should I give to my brother? (in a bad marriage)

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trappedinhell
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09 Jul 2016, 3:22 am

I love my brother and my heart aches for him, but I don't know what to do. As you can tell from my user name, I used to be very unhappy. (I can't change my user name unfortunately). My life now is a thousand times better. I got divorced, and now have somebody who loves me. My brother is in the same position I was in. Perhaps worse. He is also mildly autistic like me, so just talking it out with is wife is very hard. Plus they are fundamentally very different in temperament and background. I think his marriage is doomed like mine was. Should I advise him to think about divorce? That seems a terrible thing to suggest, and yet...? Here is why sometimes I think I should not, and sometimes I think I should: you tell me!

Reasons I should NOT suggest he think about divorce:

It's just something you don't do! His wife is not a bad person. And although they should not have married (in my opinion) they do have one thing in common: a love of animals. So maybe they could talk things through? But realistically I can't see that happening. There are a lot of barriers to communication: his autism, her mental condition, strong religious ideas, etc. So instead my brother just avoids going home until his wife is asleep. It's so sad. And my brother is such a nice person that he would keep struggling and trying for the rest of his life. I see the rest of his life being as unhappy as his life so far, and I can't stand it. He deserves better!!

Reasons I SHOULD suggest the "d" word.

He just needs somebody who loves him. His life path is almost exactly like my own. The divorce was the best thing we ever did. Though there is one big difference: my wife was very independent and mature, a career woman. The divorce was extremely amicable and we are both doing well now (and are better friends now we don't ave to live together). But my brother's wife is a lot younger and doesn't have a career. The marriage is not working for her (she is very depressed, and has been since the wedding many years ago. But I don't think she would cope any better with being single. My ex-wife was happy to be divorced, we are both the kind of people who like to act and get things done. But my brother and his wife are the kind who are likely to just stick it out and endure the misery forever. Because they both believe in marriage eve if it's very hard. Which seem admirable, but it's making them so unhappy.

But here's the main thing... it 's so simple. My brother could SO EASILY be so happy. He has a childlike innocence, a natural happiness, he loves nature and books and TV and being with family. He is NOT a naturally unhappy person. So it breaks my heart to see him so miserable all his life. He always puts on a smile and is always helping people, so people don't know how unhappy he is. And it's all so unnecessary! If he was single he could find somebody who genuinely loved him. I think he would easily find somebody if he was single: I think he's a golden catch for any woman. Yeah, I'm biased, but here are the facts:

  • He's tall (six foot five)
  • Good looking (or at least, not ugly)
  • Physically fit: spends a lot of time working outside with animals
  • Intelligent and well read (the usual geeky stuff: science fiction, but also silly children's stuff)
  • He has a good job and pays all the bills (he's a scientist)
  • Good sense of humour - maybe a little childlike (puns, silliness), but extremely sweet, and laughs a lot (though largely to cover how he really feels)
  • He is extraordinarily gentle, kind, and honest. You will never meet a more genuine, helpful, gentle person.
  • A hard working home maker: when his wife is depressed he gets up early to feed the animals (they live on a croft), then goes to work a full day, then comes home and does all the housework, and never complains
  • He doesn't have any children but wants them.
  • He loves family life, he'd be such a perfect Dad
  • He doesn't drink or smoke: no vices at all
  • He's still in his thirties

He's basically the perfect catch. And since his current marriage is making both of them miserable, and they don't have children, the answer seems obvious to me: the should decide it was a mistake, and he should find somebody who loves him! And somebody who is on the same intellectual wavelength! That is all he needs! (His wife is not stupid, but she is a lot younger and hasn't had a job, and hasn't read the things my brother has read.)

He reminds me so much of myself. We were raised in a very strict religion that was very big on marriage. So we both married far too quickly, with no real experience of the opposite sex. We didn't have any friends who were girls, so chose completely the wrong people (basically the first person who said yes). We are now both older and wiser. When I got divorced, and later found somebody who loved me, it changed my life. That's all I want for my brother.

It breaks my heart of think of my brother struggling for the rest of his life to make a marriage work when that marriage can probably never work: they are too different. Plus, being autistic, he is not the fastest communicator anyway: he loves to talk, but there are often long silences. He has difficulty expressing how he really feels, so hides the problem with jokes and talk about books and animals instead. His wife is not talkative either, but does get offended easily (I think). I just can't see them ever really talking this through. So I can't see their marriage ever working. But my brother has so much to offer, so much love to give, there must be a thousand women out there who are on his wavelength, who can see past the childlike exterior to the brain and heart inside. I just want him to be happy.

He was bullied at school, after I left home (I'm ten years older). I don't think he's been happy since the age of eight. I'm just sick of it. No more! He lives his whole life for other people, and he deserves to be happy at last, and to make someone else happy!

What do you think? What would you say?


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lidsmichelle
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09 Jul 2016, 1:33 pm

Divorce isn't a bad thing. Sometimes people just don't work out and I think if it's clear that marriage counseling isn't going to fix it, it seems horrible for both parties to keep a failed relationship afloat just because... marriage. Marriage is literally just a social/legal contract, like a business deal. People back out if business deals when they go bad too. I know there's usually more love in the case of marriage, but you can love and be with someone without it, therefore marriage is just a legal contract at the heart of it.

My parents are divorced and I couldnt have been happier when they divorced - my dad was emotionally and sexually abusive to my mother, and they were essentially forced to get married by their parents when my dad got my mom pregnant when they were 16. They were never happy together, and stuck out an unhappy marriage until I was about 18 - that's 21 years of marriage between two people who were incredibly ill suited and where there was abuse occurring.

I would suggest you just talk to him. I can't say he'll necessarily listen (I've met a lot of people with failing marriages who desperately cling on even though neither party is happy and hasn't been for a long time). Outline what you see the issues with, suggest he think about splitting up at least for a while. Distance can help a lot. Or even suggest marriage counseling so they can either fix things up or at least realize they can't fix things and potentially make him more likely to pursue divorce.


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trappedinhell
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09 Jul 2016, 3:31 pm

Thanks. I feel terrible even thinking of discussing this with him. But since there are no children, and the wife is so unhappy as well, it just seems so obvious. Of course,the down side is that I live a long way from him and any conversation will take at least an hour before it's comfortable to discuss such things, so I'll have to engineer some kind of meeting. Of course he can ignore me, but I do want to sow the seed.


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TomS
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10 Jul 2016, 12:15 am

I would initiate nothing.

If he on the other hand wants to talk then certainly be there for him. I don't see it as your call to suggest breaking up a marriage. There are exceptions, as in abuse, but that doesn't seem the case.



trappedinhell
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10 Jul 2016, 1:34 am

I agree that just being there for him is by far the best solution. However, I live hundreds of miles away, and like many people on the spectrum he is not comfortable on the phone. And he is not someone who opens up easily. I have known him all his life (naturally) and last week was the first time we ever had a really good long talk. If I don't take active steps then nothing will happen.

All the evidence points to him being unhappy for the rest of his life, just as he has been since the age of eight. He will stay in a bad marriage out of a sense of old fashioned duty and because, not having any close friendships, he just does not know what else to do. I would not wish that on anybody. I have to say something.


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slave
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14 Jul 2016, 12:43 am

trappedinhell wrote:
I love my brother and my heart aches for him, but I don't know what to do. As you can tell from my user name, I used to be very unhappy. (I can't change my user name unfortunately). My life now is a thousand times better. I got divorced, and now have somebody who loves me. My brother is in the same position I was in. Perhaps worse. He is also mildly autistic like me, so just talking it out with is wife is very hard. Plus they are fundamentally very different in temperament and background. I think his marriage is doomed like mine was. Should I advise him to think about divorce? That seems a terrible thing to suggest, and yet...? Here is why sometimes I think I should not, and sometimes I think I should: you tell me!

Reasons I should NOT suggest he think about divorce:

It's just something you don't do! His wife is not a bad person. And although they should not have married (in my opinion) they do have one thing in common: a love of animals. So maybe they could talk things through? But realistically I can't see that happening. There are a lot of barriers to communication: his autism, her mental condition, strong religious ideas, etc. So instead my brother just avoids going home until his wife is asleep. It's so sad. And my brother is such a nice person that he would keep struggling and trying for the rest of his life. I see the rest of his life being as unhappy as his life so far, and I can't stand it. He deserves better!!

Reasons I SHOULD suggest the "d" word.

He just needs somebody who loves him. His life path is almost exactly like my own. The divorce was the best thing we ever did. Though there is one big difference: my wife was very independent and mature, a career woman. The divorce was extremely amicable and we are both doing well now (and are better friends now we don't ave to live together). But my brother's wife is a lot younger and doesn't have a career. The marriage is not working for her (she is very depressed, and has been since the wedding many years ago. But I don't think she would cope any better with being single. My ex-wife was happy to be divorced, we are both the kind of people who like to act and get things done. But my brother and his wife are the kind who are likely to just stick it out and endure the misery forever. Because they both believe in marriage eve if it's very hard. Which seem admirable, but it's making them so unhappy.

But here's the main thing... it 's so simple. My brother could SO EASILY be so happy. He has a childlike innocence, a natural happiness, he loves nature and books and TV and being with family. He is NOT a naturally unhappy person. So it breaks my heart to see him so miserable all his life. He always puts on a smile and is always helping people, so people don't know how unhappy he is. And it's all so unnecessary! If he was single he could find somebody who genuinely loved him. I think he would easily find somebody if he was single: I think he's a golden catch for any woman. Yeah, I'm biased, but here are the facts:

  • He's tall (six foot five)
  • Good looking (or at least, not ugly)
  • Physically fit: spends a lot of time working outside with animals
  • Intelligent and well read (the usual geeky stuff: science fiction, but also silly children's stuff)
  • He has a good job and pays all the bills (he's a scientist)
  • Good sense of humour - maybe a little childlike (puns, silliness), but extremely sweet, and laughs a lot (though largely to cover how he really feels)
  • He is extraordinarily gentle, kind, and honest. You will never meet a more genuine, helpful, gentle person.
  • A hard working home maker: when his wife is depressed he gets up early to feed the animals (they live on a croft), then goes to work a full day, then comes home and does all the housework, and never complains
  • He doesn't have any children but wants them.
  • He loves family life, he'd be such a perfect Dad
  • He doesn't drink or smoke: no vices at all
  • He's still in his thirties

He's basically the perfect catch. And since his current marriage is making both of them miserable, and they don't have children, the answer seems obvious to me: the should decide it was a mistake, and he should find somebody who loves him! And somebody who is on the same intellectual wavelength! That is all he needs! (His wife is not stupid, but she is a lot younger and hasn't had a job, and hasn't read the things my brother has read.)

He reminds me so much of myself. We were raised in a very strict religion that was very big on marriage. So we both married far too quickly, with no real experience of the opposite sex. We didn't have any friends who were girls, so chose completely the wrong people (basically the first person who said yes). We are now both older and wiser. When I got divorced, and later found somebody who loved me, it changed my life. That's all I want for my brother.

It breaks my heart of think of my brother struggling for the rest of his life to make a marriage work when that marriage can probably never work: they are too different. Plus, being autistic, he is not the fastest communicator anyway: he loves to talk, but there are often long silences. He has difficulty expressing how he really feels, so hides the problem with jokes and talk about books and animals instead. His wife is not talkative either, but does get offended easily (I think). I just can't see them ever really talking this through. So I can't see their marriage ever working. But my brother has so much to offer, so much love to give, there must be a thousand women out there who are on his wavelength, who can see past the childlike exterior to the brain and heart inside. I just want him to be happy.

He was bullied at school, after I left home (I'm ten years older). I don't think he's been happy since the age of eight. I'm just sick of it. No more! He lives his whole life for other people, and he deserves to be happy at last, and to make someone else happy!

What do you think? What would you say?


You are a wonderful brother!
He sounds like a great guy.

You love him a LOT :D :D ......and you should tell him exactly what you told us.......the truth.

He DOES deserve MUCH better :D
You both are lucky to have each other. :D



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14 Jul 2016, 12:49 am

trappedinhell wrote:
I have to say something.


Yes, you do....because you love him.
Follow your gut, trust yourself.

Tell him you don't want to see him remain unhappy. Tell him you are afraid to interfere, but you know he is hurting so you feel you must.

He needs someone to give him permission to choose a better life....it IS ok to leave her.



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14 Jul 2016, 6:50 am

I just wanted to jump in and say that I am in a similar situation: my brother is with a woman who I can tell is sucking the life out of him: this became very apparent a couple of years ago when I flew out to visit him. The first half of the trip (where his wife was out of the country) was the best vacation ever. We got along so well especially considering we fought like.... well siblings our whole lives. When she came back he was a complete neurotic mess.

It's further frustrating because he saw exactly what I went through with my ex GF. Granted we weren't married but it's sad to hear him say it's 'too late' to start over. He's in his mid 30s, has a very well paying job as an Engineer, is gifted with amazing social skills and always had women chasing him to the point it made me depressed but otherwise both me and my brother sound just like the OP's brother. He also does not have any children but he tells me that he will be 'ruined' by the divorce, which is almost laughable if this wasn't such a serious matter. I asked him why he married her and he said 'because he felt sorry for her'. Needless to say that is a terrible reason to make such a commitment.

All I can suggest is the same thing I told my brother. If you are ready to leave her and need a place to stay back 'home', I will have a spare bedroom for you and will help you get situation.