When and how to approach a stranger

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I am starting this thread because a user named SpongeBobFan started a very similar one weeks ago, and it essentially turned into a 5-page debate. Which, by the way, mostly involved Boo and Spiderpig trying to tell everyone not to ever approach women. I need to debunk this, as it is utterly false, and naysaying on this website is only going to discourage the people who honestly want to approach new people - even just for making friends. But I know it can work for getting dates as well - otherwise we're saying that none of my relationships ever happened. Here are the best guidelines, as far as I've learned:

1: Approach a girl in a public place where you see others socializing. That's fine.

2: It's probably better if she is by herself. As long as your subject matter is not offensive, and you are attempting to actually use the social skills you've learned, you should be fine.

3: If she ignores you, has very abrupt responses, or any other negative reaction, simply walk away and choose someone else.

4: Be sure you are well-dressed, well-groomed, and have no offensive odors. (Also don't go to the extreme of wearing a tux or using too much fragrance. In fact, no fragrance is often preferable.)

5: Try to select a venue where you are more likely to meet other Aspies and ND's. In otherwords, a sports bar filled with neurotypical people is going to be an uphill battle for most of us.

6: Only drink enough to get a small buzz. Too much, and you're asking for trouble. Don't use any other substance before you do this. Even if you are at a hash bar in Amsterdam.

7: Stick to small talk. And get LOT'S of practice before putting yourself out there like this. I honestly want to put this at the very top, except I know most of you are going to read thoroughly enough to get my drift. Definitely go around socializing with lot's of people before you start looking for dates, or even new friends. It can be anybody, and it will count as practice. Talk to your bartender, your co-worker - particularly the quirky ones.

8: Stay away from anyone who makes you uncomfortable - or if you appear to make them uncomfortable. It's best to just walk away. This also means to practically ignore any negative advice you will no doubt find on a forum like this. The only reason I don't ignore the naysayers on this website is because I don't want any of you to be miss-led by false advice.

Good luck, and don't doubt yourself! You're on the right track. I promise.

Seems to be lots of contradictory things here. In #5 you claim to look for NDs / Aspies, but then you want to do small talk in #7 which many NDs dislike. In #2 you claim it's better if she is by herself, which I also disagree with because the natural ND courtship naturally starts when she is with other girls. Additionally, girls feel a lot safer when they are approached in a group by a single guy, for obvious reasons. However, that's something that NT guys rarely dare to do. They usually gang up in groups and target single girls when they do catcalling and similar things.

But my major objection to this idea is that approaching random strangers is an NT social trait and one that many NDs lack and cannot do. Thus, this scenario cannot be part of the natural ND courtship behavior, and so will rarely, if ever, work with NDs.

Howdy. I still say the grocery store is the best place. That's probably the only place where I would talk to a strange guy. I have women all the time coming up and asking me where I got a certain item. I wouldn't think anything weird about a guy doing the same thing. That would be a great opening line.

This is for anyone trying to learn the social norms, not for anyone trying to avoid them. Sorry rdos.

And I will think of the grocery store approach. I've always wanted to add this to my practice, it's just grocery stores give me anxiety attacks a lot of times. I'm honored that anyone is reading this stuff, as it is what I have learned in almost ten years of going out and socializing. Before that, I would just keep my eyes down and say nothing in almost any public setting.

Any and all ND's trying to learn social skills, you're definitely not alone. Keep working at it, and try to ignore any and all naysayers.

Then you should remove the point about seeking NDs or Aspies, because that will not happen.

Besides, I'm not trying to avoid social norms. I'm advocating for seeking relationships the natural way as much as possible to avoid ND-NT incompatibility problems. But if you want to get together with NTs, go ahead with your method. It reminds me somewhat of catcalling, even if you probably plan to do it alone.

I have not seen much benefit of learning social skills in the relationship area. To the contrary, many of the chronically alone NDs appear to have that in their baggage.



Sorry to inform you that nurse is an NT.

Dating in general has no organic or naturalness to it whatsoever.

It turns an emotion like love into cold dating site mathematical algorithms and psychological-inspired techniques such as PUA to learn how to approach.

Dating has no heart (pun-intended), and online dating has made it even worse as it's only made dating far more calculated and artificial rather than human and natural (which real-life dating at least TRIES to imitate).

I don't like dating rituals, and gameplaying. But going to the movies with a girl is always fun.

I believe success is rare when one approaches strangers in the street. Most people will treat you decently...but as for dates: usually no dice.

Join clubs, attend lectures, get introduced....much better than cold approaching people.

Agree to most of it. The best way of meeting girls in our culture is to join clubs, go out dancing or enjoy whatever activities you can do in a group that has a sufficient number of interesting girls in them.

If you really want to meet ND girls outdoors / in public, approaching them and trying to make small talk with them is NOT the way to do it.

If I wanted to meet an Aspie I would go to an Aspie website. Oh wait! That's where I am!

John:

If you play guitar (well) in the street, by a river, in a park, you have a better chance.

Who better than me to tell him about how to approach an NT? Hey, that rhymed!

I'm telling you the grocery store. I'm a difficult one to approach so if I say that I would talk to a strange guy in a certain place then it's likely that that place is a pretty good setup and neutral spot.

I thought you didn't want to meet another Aspie for a relationship, so why are you still here?

I was at the grocery store a couple of weeks ago and this cute guy went past me twice smiling and I was sure he was going to say something but no. Honestly, I began to wonder if he was smiling at me or my tower of toilet paper! It was time to stock up - what can I say?

But would you agree to date him?

BTW, I actually managed to meet an ND girl outdoors, but it wasn't cold-approaching, and there was no talking taking place either. And she was not alone.