Please help
29 Jul 2016, 10:49 am
Can anybody please help me?
Im neurotypical but have just broken up with my long term boyfriend who has autism (he never told me where he was on the spectrum.)
The reason I broke up with him, is a strong them occurred throughout our relationship where he would drop plans with me, without a thought to see his friends and then be sorry after. It baffled me and upset me every time he chose to be somewhere else rather than with me but it was also the way he would do it so bluntly (he could visibly see it upset me but did it anyway.) For example being on a work trip abroad for a week and coming home to stop and meet his friend for a coffee before he came to see me. Being in my flat with plans made for the day and him answering the phone to his friend and saying yes to going out with him that very afternoon.
Whatever happened he was always hell bent on not missing out and would do anything to the point of excessiveness (and clearly upsetting me) to see his friends.
I've tried to break up with him on several occasions now but every time he has not wanted to/ didn't understand what he had done, so we never ended breaking up.
This time I had a family crisis and confided in him but the holiday booked a few days later with his friends (that I was also going on) I said I didn't want to go anymore. I said to him you go and have fun. Thinking and hoping in my head he wouldn't go.. he went without me. Thats when I broke up with him for good and have had to block his number etc because he still didn't want to break up and kept messaging me.
This is a completely simplified version but I just wanted to try and get some opinions to whether this could be his autism or it's not? Is he slightly obsessive over his friend group?
I'm just trying to understand as best as I can because I love him dearly but couldn't carry on getting hurt.
29 Jul 2016, 11:31 pm
Im neurotypical but have just broken up with my long term boyfriend who has autism (he never told me where he was on the spectrum.)
The reason I broke up with him, is a strong them occurred throughout our relationship where he would drop plans with me, without a thought to see his friends and then be sorry after. It baffled me and upset me every time he chose to be somewhere else rather than with me but it was also the way he would do it so bluntly (he could visibly see it upset me but did it anyway.) For example being on a work trip abroad for a week and coming home to stop and meet his friend for a coffee before he came to see me. Being in my flat with plans made for the day and him answering the phone to his friend and saying yes to going out with him that very afternoon.
Whatever happened he was always hell bent on not missing out and would do anything to the point of excessiveness (and clearly upsetting me) to see his friends.
I've tried to break up with him on several occasions now but every time he has not wanted to/ didn't understand what he had done, so we never ended breaking up.
This time I had a family crisis and confided in him but the holiday booked a few days later with his friends (that I was also going on) I said I didn't want to go anymore. I said to him you go and have fun. Thinking and hoping in my head he wouldn't go.. he went without me. Thats when I broke up with him for good and have had to block his number etc because he still didn't want to break up and kept messaging me.
This is a completely simplified version but I just wanted to try and get some opinions to whether this could be his autism or it's not? Is he slightly obsessive over his friend group?
I'm just trying to understand as best as I can because I love him dearly but couldn't carry on getting hurt.
I am going to do everything in my power to respond to this as diplomatically as possible, but this post has me quite upset. First of all, I am also a neurotipical, so let's get that out of the way first. I don't know how much you know or understand about Autism/Aspergers or how to deal with an Autistic/Aspie, but let me clue you in on something that you should know with any man, whether Autistic or not, head games are so way uncool! Telling him to go on this trip, then willing him not to in your head and expecting him not to go and breaking up with him, when he didn't do what you willed him to do, is quite manipulative and underhanded, in my opinion. To do that to an Autistic/Aspie is worse in my opinion, because they will take you literally, as you meant for them to go. If you wanted him to stay, you should have told him directly to stay without playing head games. Also, Autistics/Aspies cannot always read visual cues, to be able to tell that something has upset you, so he may not have a single clue that he has done anything wrong! Unless you have been quite direct in telling him that you are upset and why, and the reasons as to why you are breaking up with him, he is probably baffled at this turn of events. Perhaps, you should have talked to him about how you were feeling instead of just pouting and wishing he would read your mind... If I have misunderstood something here, please feel free to correct me. It just sounds like to me, you wanted him to just assume to know what you wanted. It doesn't work that way, especially with Aspies.
30 Jul 2016, 12:19 am
Im neurotypical but have just broken up with my long term boyfriend who has autism (he never told me where he was on the spectrum.)
The reason I broke up with him, is a strong them occurred throughout our relationship where he would drop plans with me, without a thought to see his friends and then be sorry after. It baffled me and upset me every time he chose to be somewhere else rather than with me but it was also the way he would do it so bluntly (he could visibly see it upset me but did it anyway.) For example being on a work trip abroad for a week and coming home to stop and meet his friend for a coffee before he came to see me. Being in my flat with plans made for the day and him answering the phone to his friend and saying yes to going out with him that very afternoon.
Whatever happened he was always hell bent on not missing out and would do anything to the point of excessiveness (and clearly upsetting me) to see his friends.
I've tried to break up with him on several occasions now but every time he has not wanted to/ didn't understand what he had done, so we never ended breaking up.
This time I had a family crisis and confided in him but the holiday booked a few days later with his friends (that I was also going on) I said I didn't want to go anymore. I said to him you go and have fun. Thinking and hoping in my head he wouldn't go.. he went without me. Thats when I broke up with him for good and have had to block his number etc because he still didn't want to break up and kept messaging me.
This is a completely simplified version but I just wanted to try and get some opinions to whether this could be his autism or it's not? Is he slightly obsessive over his friend group?
I'm just trying to understand as best as I can because I love him dearly but couldn't carry on getting hurt.
If you were to have plans to see a movie or go out to dinner, and his friends called, and he suddenly dropped those plans with you to be with his friends, then I would understand you would be upset. That would be very rude and inconsiderate of him.
But I don't see the problem in him stopping to get coffee with his friends on his way home from a trip, unless you had made a welcome home dinner or something of that sort for him that he was going to miss, or something of that sort.
As for the trip, let me give you some advice. Don't play mind games with men, whether they are NT or not. Be direct. It will make your life easier. If you did not want him to go on the trip, you could have said "I would prefer that you say with me because this is really difficult for me to deal with." You will be able to determine what you were trying to determine the other way, by how he responds.
Anyway, you have already told him what the problem is, and it doesn't matter whether or not he understand why it upsets you, because this is an issue of respect, and one does not need to understand why something they do upsets someone to respect the fact that it does, and not do it.
If you would like to take him back and give him another chance, that's up to you, but I think maybe you need a more intuitive person who is naturally respectful of plans.
30 Jul 2016, 2:59 am
I think games are cool, but only if you are an NT playing games with another NT, or an ND playing games with another ND. It simply doesn't work when an NT tries to play games with an ND, or when an ND tries to play games with an NT. So NTs girls in relationships with NDs have better avoid that type of thing and express themselves clearly.
[email protected]
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: 27 Jul 2016
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 41
Location: Montgomery, AL
30 Jul 2016, 3:12 am
Yeah, seriously. You told him to go, so he did. Even another NT might not have read your mind the way you wanted them to.
I would have to agree that this was a head-game on your part, regardless what condition anyone has. It also sheds light upon you, as a person, and decreases the credibility of the previous claims you made before admitting this mistake. Especially to break up with him over it, and then try to block him.
Are you SURE you're neurotypical?? (Not joking.)
