I'm not a dominant guy - what do I do?

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I've noticed I've always been the "nice guy" type and I think this is the reason why I haven't been able to attract the opposite sex. Growing up I've always been a people pleaser putting people's needs first most of the time. I grew up in a household where having an opinion wasn't really respected and if I said my views on something I got shot down, so I keep most things to myself and not share with others anymore.
I've been researching attraction and seems clear women are attracted to a dominant guy that could care less about what people think of him. I don't see how I can be this guy though because of my Aspergers. I'm sensitive to so many things, a lot of times about what people think of me, and I am afraid of drawing attention to myself. I just feel weak. I'm quiet, not loud. I don't call myself a leader of such in anything and not in a high status job most attractive women seek these men because their dominant and have some sort of social influence.
So this is what I'm worried about. My interest is music and pursuing it but my anxiety is big enough to put myself out there and show people what I'm doing. My belief is I'll be a burden to people around me.
Is this something to lose sleep over? I just don't see how I can be dominant enough and I see myself being clingy and trusting someone too early if I like them.

Bonus question - If I am dating someone when should I tell someone I have Aspergers? I want to be honest with them but this is something I worry about too

I'm not a "dominant," "Alpha" sort of guy, either. But so what? I am I.

And you are you.

I wouldn't tell a girlfriend I have Asperger's until you decide that you two want an exclusive relationship with each other.

A lot of wrong with this. First, girls that want a dominant guy are not compatible with you, so stop caring about them. They are not that common either, and especially not among NDs (neurodiverse) women. So what you do is to search for compatible girls that like your quirks and don't want to be bossed around.

not all women want a dominant male partner. just be true to yourself and you'll attract people who you can actually work with. if you attempt to attract people by lying about yourself it's never going to pan out.
personally i would leave aspergers out until i've established a relationship with the person, but it's up to you when you feel comfortable telling someone.

I'm kind of a take charge kinda gal so I'm the dominant one in my relationship. Pretty much always have been. I like the idea of a dominant guy for some things, and it would be nice to have a guy who is all dominant and take charge and capable to do so, and I wouldn't have to worry about stuff and could just let him handle it, because even though I'm a women's libber (I don't call myself "feminist" anymore because of how the third wave chicks have made it a laughing stock so I went back to what we called it in the 70s) it's nice sometimes to have a husband who can handle anything and can tell me what to do and it will all be ok. But I wouldn't be able to deal with that for any length of time really, and two dominants just end up fighting over everything. So I'd suggest finding somebody who is dominant. It's not that uncommon for women to be dominant, and contrary to what a lot of people think, we can also be pretty feminine at the same time.

My husband isn't submissive or anything and comes across like an alpha male and is in charge of a bunch of guys at work (he does construction) and in some things here he's the one in charge but in most of them, I am. Mainly that's by our mutual choice, because it's much easier on him to not have to deal with stuff if I do it. He just goes to work and makes the money and comes home and relaxes and doesn't have to worry about bills or business stuff or making decisions. It works out great and it's not something you really have to discuss, because it becomes obvious and you both naturally fall into roles that you are each comfortable with. He's dominant with other guys but not with me. He can be dominant and act that way, but he doesn't. And with some things, like handling the money, he knows he's horrible at it and it's really better for everyone if he stays out of it and lets me deal with it all because I don't know what it is, but he literally cannot do it.

So, just see how you fit with whoever you're dating and if it's a good, comfortable fit, you'll know it without having to discuss it. As for telling her you have AS, I would leave that on a need to know basis and don't mention it until much later one, when you are exclusive. Of course if she notices and asks you then tell her, but otherwise, don't. My first boyfriend had epilepsy and we had dated a whole year before he told me. He was scared I would be freaked out by it but I wasn't at all.

The whole "girls don't want nice guys, they go for guys that treat them bad" is basically a lie people tell themselves to make them feel better about their lack of success. "I'm just too nice, that's all". It's nonsense. Women don't want "bad guys", they're not attracted to "dominant" guys either, what they are attracted to (among other things, there is no single thing that will make a woman attracted to you) is a man with confidence. If you lack confidence, and can't fake it, then yeah you're going to struggle. Not saying it's impossible...but women have an evolutionary need to be taken take of, protected, looked after, so that's what they seek.

I'll give you an example of the kind of thing-ish I'm talking about, and this comes under the "faking it" category as I'm not really confident myself. I was going out with a girl and it was the usual "I'll eat wherever you want to eat" kind of thing from me, in the (mistaken) belief that if I let her make all the decisions then I can't go wrong, we'll always do what she wants. Sound familiar? Well girls don't like that. One weekend I suggested we go away, so I picked the location, the hotel, I booked us into a restaurant etc, I didn't tell her anything or ask her, I just had confirmation that she wanted to go away for the weekend. I made all the decisions and told her "ok, we're going here, we're staying in this hotel, we're eating in this restaurant". Not in that manner, obviously I'm paraphrasing in this post for brevity After the weekend was all over she actually said to me that the thing she really liked about the whole weekend was that I'd arranged it all. That's the kind of "confidence" women like, a man who will take charge and use his initiative. I'll be honest with you though....I wasn't confident, I was bricking it. I was nervous as hell she wouldn't like any of it, she wouldn't like the location, the hotel, the restaurant, but when it comes down to it I think the thought goes a long way too.

If music is your thing and you play an instrument, do you know how many musicians struggle to find girls? None. If you can find the courage to get out there and show your music off (assuming you're any good, that can be hard to find out as your friends and family aren't always objective) you'll score a double hit...girls will like you, and you'll probably gain confidence too.



That's an American concept, in the UK we only have exclusive relationships, we don't date multiple people at the same time.

That's not true have you seen made in Chelsea or Towie. There are loads of people my age group who dont have exclusive relationships

I've seen neither but I'm aware of the concept. Those are reality TV shows, they're not real life.

But they are a representation of culture to a degree.

And as I have said many people my age are in non exclusive relationships, as in people I know.

It could be because my opinion of exclusive os when you both agree not to see other people or sleep and kiss others

Yes, get them in the tractor beam before deploying the death rays-- no escape!

I hear what you're saying, but it's just proof-by-example fallacy. The general culture in the UK is not one of dating multiple people. Sure some people on TV shows might do it, and some of your friends might do it, but in general it is not part of our culture.

Most people in the US have exclusive relationships, too.

It is probable that, in most of the US, people are more socially conservative than people in the UK.

Especially away from the I-95 Corridor and the West Coast.

Neither is in in the US I think very few of them are polygamous.

Everyone I know has dated non exclusively (talking, texting, flirting with multiple people they have attraction to) before entering deciding on a exclusive relationship wit the person of your choice. It's a rather normal practice

I'll assume you mean polyamory, not polygamous. Being polyamory is not for everybody, and it certainly is not a cultural thing. It requires some particular traits for somebody to be truly polyamory, and most people don't have those. It also appears to be more common among NDs.

Polyamory is quite rare in the US; Polygamy even more rare.

LOL.....do you Brits feel that us Americans are always involved in an orgy or something?

Glue fake body hair on your chest.