Anyone else worried they will never find true love?

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I'm also curious if anyone here is an adult who is extremely picky.

Where to begin? I am 28 and was diagnosed in 2012. I am experiencing my first real relationship of over a year but don't know how much longer it will last.

I am an extremely picky eater and live off of "bad" food. I like some fruits but rarely even eat those and find carrots palatable if they are cooked in a stew and soft. I have been like this my entire life, even though I was made to try vegetables growing up.

I even ate two small pieces of broccoli today and gagged on the second one -- I doubt I could ever see myself having a healthy diet.

I could MAYBE incorporate some healthy stuff into my daily diet but I'd have to remember to eat it and force myself to do so.

This is at the request of my boyfriend. He wants me to eat healthier and exercise, partially so that I can get back to "our agreed upon weight."

He earnestly believes in prevention but that doesn't make sense to me because there is not often such a thing when it comes to health. All you can really do is lower your risk factors.

He thinks that, if someone just does the "right" things by eating healthy food and exercising regularly, they won't get seriously sick.

Any attempts to defend myself are blocked.

I honestly worry that I will never find true love. I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone I want to be with and that I may be alone forever.

I want to be loved unconditionally for who I am now and think he is trying to fix me until I'm good enough.

I have made compromises because that is what you do in relationships.

He told me today, in a blunt manner, that I "need to learn to eat less" (I typically have 1 large meal a day and then two smaller things later).

I make compromises but it's not enough. He believes in consuming two raw eggs a day, and taking vitamins, so I do it. I significantly cut down on my diet soda consumption and replaced it with flavored sparkling water as well.

Let me also add that he knew exactly how I was prior to me moving in, which was his idea.

Now I'm thinking about moving back in with my parents but I would feel like such a failure.

Everyone around me seems to have relationships that have been going for years but I can't seem to find love myself.

He appears to be controlling, and you are one of those people that don't like to be controlled. That will not end good, I'm afraid.

Why do you think he seems to be controlling?

I asked a kinda similar question on Reddit but with more details and a lot of the responders also said that he is being controlling.

When I told him I think he is being controlling, it hurt his feelings because he claimed I made him out to be some sort of monster. He didn't like being accused of acting controlling because he said that implies abuse.

According to him, it's his job to take care of me, and he's not the kind of person who will sit by and let someone self-destruct.

He said that, if I don't trust his motivations and sincerity, there is no basis for the relationship.

He does sound controlling. You said he blocks any attempts to defend yourself, which is controlling and abusive behavior. You have a right to whatever weight and diet you want, whether he likes it or no or whether it's good for you or not. Do you really have an agreed upon weight with him, or is it the weight he wants you to have?

From what you write, it sounds like a lot of things in your relationship are his decision and not what you really want. You even said you don't think it's love, so why stay? What's keeping you there?

This probably only makes things more confusing, but many abusive people will talk about how much you've hurt their feelings by pointing out how your own feelings were hurt. They basically make themselves out to be the victim in order to further control you. I've had this done to me, unfortunately. I think if someone is being genuine, they will apologize and say they didn't realize that they hurt your feelings. They will want to communicate with you. If someone is getting very defensive about being called abusive, it's probably because deep down they know they are abusive.

I'm sure he has some good qualities, like my own controlling ex, but it also sounds like he doesn't really see you as your own person. That can't be healthy.

If you like being taken care of, he's not controlling.

If you don't like being taken care of, he's controlling.

It could also be an Aspie thing. Many Aspies don't like being told what they should do, and will get obstinate if subjected to that. I'm like that, and so is wife. There is a need for a special communication style to settle issues when this is present. They need to explain why you should do something or behave in some way, not tell you to do something. Then it is up to you to decide to comply or not (which usually happens if the reason is good).

Well, I'm going to address the elephant in the room and ask, how big are you and what was the "agreed upon weight"? The think is, it sounds like you are getting bigger to the point where he isn't sexually attracted to you anymore. Now, that's not to say you aren't trying to be healthy, nor that you are indeed fat. He does sound like he can be controlling, however I have witnessed countless times people getting lazy once in a relationship and getting fat.

You have to be a little careful because if yur trying to talk about him being a bit controlling and he turns it around to accuse you its emotional manipulation.

He essentially said if you don do it his way and listen to him there is no relationship. Do you really want to have to walk on eggshells aroung him?

Well are you self destructing? I mean you don't seem to really care about how your health is effected because as you say 'there really is no preventative care when it comes to health', but that's not really true....if you don't get any exercise and only eat unhealthy food it seems a somewhat valid concern. I mean he sounds a little controlling to but if you're giving him reason for legitimate concern over your health I can see why he'd be worried and insistent that you try and maintain a healthier diet. Two raw eggs a day though probably isn't the best thing, they are supposed to be cooked before being eaten so he certainly doesn't sound like the health expert he's trying to be, so I don't think he should decide your diet for you....but I could see why he'd want you to work on it if he's concerned about your health.

I have pretty much given up. For reasons directly and indirectly related to autism. I am hypersensitive and uncomfortable letting anyone know how I am feeling, consequently I just buckle and never let anyone know if they have upset me which obviously isn't good for being in a relationship, plus I would let the other person down because I can't deal with anything emotionally difficult, I wouldn't be able to handle how bad that would make me feel, or be able to handle someone I care about judging me for that.

Then the indirect reasons, having been like this for 30 years, I have severely compartmentalised myself, adapting to different groups and taking on completely different personas, it has got to the point I don't even know who the real me is and I spend all my energy hiding it from people because I feel so defective, I can't ever imagine letting down those defences, or reconcile all my different personas.

I still hold out a little bit of hope that one day I meet someone who is similar to me, understands the same problems and has also given up, and we would be better than nothing for each other, but any other scenario I wouldn't want someone to be with me for their sake.

I felt like I couldn't find love when I was single. I'm a picky eater as well & don't exercise like I should but I'm not very overweight so that wasn't a factor in my 1st two relationships ending. My current girlfriend really understands me & accepts me. She doesn't exercise like she should & eats unhealthy because of depression. I like being emotionally supportive within a relationship because that's the one thing I can offer besides love & devotion. I'm very dependent & on disability & my girlfriend is on SSI & other benefits so it works out.

I don't think I will so I don't worry about it much, I see my limitations and the realistic prospects of it.

Thanks for the answers, people. I cannot figure out how to reply to you individually.

I am the same size I was before we even met -- I am fat and have been for most of my life. He is attracted to me and has said as much, so that is not the issue.

I don't get how disliking being told what to do could be an Asperger's thing, since most people don't seem to like being bossed around, NT or otherwise.

He sounds really controlling. I worry about never finding love too because I have almost no experience. The only relationship I've ever been in was a long distance one with someone who I never met in person. It seems like a lot of people just see me as someone to target and feel sorry for and I wouldn't be able to relate to someone if they just feel sorry for me.

Last edited by slw1990 on 02 Jul 2016, 2:13 am, edited 1 time in total.