Dating advice, please help?!

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Hi, I'm a 22 year old girl with high functioning autism.

I've never dated anyone (never even kissed); honestly I'm not sure it's for me, certainly not the physical side of things, since I can't stand to be touched. Anyway, being asexual I haven't really bothered pursuing any romantic relationships; generally I just tell people that I don't date or make some other excuse until they leave me alone. A guy at work asked me out and since we have loads in common (and I was in a weirdly good mood) I said yes and went for a drink with him. This is a big deal for me since generally I don't do anything social or impromptu. When we parted ways he hugged me ( ) but I didn't freak out, I just kind of got it over with .

I haven't told him or anyone at work that I'm autistic. A couple of people I work more closely with definitely know that I process things a little differently, and they help me out, but otherwise nobody knows (I know some people think I'm weird, but it's more than that ) . When I've talked to this guy I have made some allusions to my inability to handle things, for example he was explaining how he felt about me and then said his explanation was embarrassing. I said I appreciated it because I can't always read other people.

So. He's asked me out again, this time to the cinema, and I don't really feel I can say no, but equally I just can't see this going anywhere. Can I tell him about the issues I have and why I don't think we could have a good relationship? Is there a better way to handle this? I know it will be awkward either way since we work together, but I have been so stressed since all this started . I think I like him (and he probably thinks he gets me) but ...???

My thinking is, I'm 22 years old, I'm a student, I'm smart and pretty - he's going to think it is very weird that I've never so much as been on a date with anyone - so in a way, I have to tell him that I'm autistic right? Otherwise he'll just think I'm mean or I don't like him.

THIS is why I don't bother with social life, it feels like my brain is on fire any advice would be greatly appreciated, sorry this is such a rambling rant

seriously, if anyone has any advice, I'm really freaking out

Well if you're not romantically interested I'd say it is best to make that clear, if you think that is the direction he's trying to go. Also there is a good chance he probably isn't asexual and probably looking for a relationship involving some intimacy, so if you're asexual that would be a good non-compatibility point to bring up. Though I am a bit confused since you also say you think you like him, do mean strictly on a friendship basis? or are you unsure about the asexuality?

In general going out on dates is the part where two people get to know each other and decide if they want to be a couple...so you could certainly talk about the issues and why you don't think it would work out, but if you have some hope it does then it might be worth seeing if those issues would even be deal breakers for him or not.

I cant really say what you 'should' do as it is really up to you but those are just some thoughts on it, but yeah if you don't want things progressing any further then it would be best to just tell him you're not interested in a relationship. But if you're not sure then maybe getting to know him more before making a decision is better.

It is a tough process starting up, for everyone really. Aspies are often on a longer learning curve.

Since you do like him enough to continue, you want to keep it going, but at a pace and in a form you can be more comfortable with. Some people prefer just jumping in the cold water and others need to slowly work their way in inch by inch.

So perhaps you can come up with an outing/date idea that you would be more comfortable with then the movies. The movies isn't too bad, but he might try to put his arm around you (normal male urge). Something like out for coffee, or to a zoo, museum, etc. This way he knows you are not pushing him away but also are a person he needs to invest in on a longer term.

Thanks both of you, I know it sounds strange but I just needed a voice other than my own to say something to calm me down.

Sweetleaf, I'm not confused about my asexuality, but asexuality doesn't mean I don't have romantic feelings. I think that I do, I just don't need/want a physical outlet for them. It's complicated to explain, and I don't think I'll ever find someone who is OK with that situation, so I probably won't ever have a relationship.

Thanks for both your advice anyway. I will maybe try and think of a different date location that I can prep myself for, and where no arms will be put around me lol . I will also get up the courage to explain my issues to the boy in question. I know that's the only option really, I was (and still am) very nervous about doing so, because I don't want to hurt his feelings and I'm pretty awkward at even basic interactions beyond my scripted ones, let alone this . Be brave, Rachel, be brave.

I know exactly what you are saying. You have the mental attraction to this man, but not the physical since you are asexual, right? Therefore, you want a relationship based on an emotional and mental level without all the physical stuff. Right? My advice is, you would have to be up front and honest with him about everything. I knew about my boyfriends HFA before getting with him, but none of the finer details, and since he doesn't talk about it at all, I am only learning as I go, and that isn't easy. It's like trying to go somewhere without a map or directions. You don't know what to do, or how to prceed in certain situations such as intimacy or emotional topics. So, it's better in my opinion to be honest and up front about having HFA, though I know a few will disagree with me. I'm just talking from a Neurotipical's point of view.

That is exactly what I'm saying, thank you Bridgette . A neurotypical's point of view is very much appreciated; I think a lot of my anxiety in dealing with things like this comes from not knowing what the other person will think or how they will react, so getting a rough idea of how this (neurotypical) guy might feel is very helpful!! I will try my best to be up front and honest, at the very least I will explain that I am HFA and maybe then he will understand that I'm not just being rude or offish, it's just how I am. It's funny, I don't have any friends etc. to talk through problems like this with (more importantly I wouldn't know how to), but I can write on here and find people who understand. Thanks again

I really think you should tell this person about your autism.

I'm not asexual myself---but I can understand romance without sex.

Probably not what you want to hear, but it's generally a bad idea to date someone from work. Even more so in your situation. If you tell him your autistic and things don't work out, who knows what he'll do with that knowledge? Even without that issue, if things don't work out it will be awkward at best. Also your company may even have rules against this.

If I was you I wouldn't enter a relationship with this guy, but I know that's easier said than done.

You are very welcome, and if you ever want to talk, feel free to message me anytime. I don't have any friends to talk to either about what I am going through, because none of them understand Autism, and it's times like these, I hate being Neurotipical, because it feels like a damn barrier between me and my boyfriend, so I completely get it...

Unfortunately, I think it's a bit late for this advice, as they have already started down this path. And, she's going to have to tell this young man something, otherwise things will just keep getting more and more uncomfortable for her, and that won't be good either. The only other option she could follow is to just put him in the friendzone, but that could backlash too, and he could cause problems for her also, because of seeing this as a rejection...

On another note, her work cannot do anything to her because of her being Autistic, there are laws against this now, and they are getting harsher than they use to be! If that would happen, she can come to me, and I will be her personal advocate! I just faught Walmart on an issue and got them to back down, before it even got to lawsuit perportions. I know how this stuf works, and I don't put up with no bull.

I meant rules against dating co-workers, not rules against being autistic

Thanks guys, I just told him about my autism and that I might find it difficult to date; I wouldn't have had the courage to do it without your advice, so thank you, I'm so glad I found this site . You know how it is, sometimes you know what you have to do, but you just need a little push to do it!

He said he still wants to give it a shot, and that he'll take it as slow as I want. He said he really wants to be with me but he also wants me to be comfortable and happy. I guess that's the nicest response I could have hoped for, I was so nervous of hurting his feelings or even annoying him . We'll see how it goes. Knowing me, I don't think it will work out, but I feel a lot better now. If it's awkward at work, I guess we'll just have to deal with it - I find so much awkward anyway I doubt it would make much difference lol

Also, thank you Bridgette, you are awesome , I hope you have a lovely day!

Tell him you are asexual, and if he accepts that, you should continue to see him.

Yes, he did give a mature & good response.

As far as being asexual goes, it's your own business like autism, information to share or keep to yourself. In general I lean towards keeping things like that private. Some people handle it well and it is important info for them to know if you are going to be close to them in some way. But there are many who will latch onto it as a label and think of you in stereotypes and not as a unique person.

Letting on about being autistic keeps things open. Sharing that you are asexual sort of shuts down a large part of a prospective relationship.

I myself do not understand asexuality. I mean I get the concept, I just do not know what it would feel like. And I wonder if it is always absolute and permanent. I would expect, statisically, that some are partially asexual but might under the right circumstances develop sexuality.

I guess it depends on what trully makes you feel real and satisfied. Faking it, that is making physical contact to fit in doesn't sound like a good idea. But there is much good to say for physical contact. Just simple things, like holding hands, hugging, etc, can be very emotionally positive. Sex of course can be intensely pleasing.

So I would say it is something to be kept open minded about, rather then shut off completely too quickly. At least investigate your own self fully and be sure.

I disagree. To tell him he is not likely to get regular sex is a better test for compatibility than telling him you are autistic, since few people know what the latter means.



That's highly unlikely. More likely, if she doesn't tell him, she will have to put up with sex even if she doesn't want it. So, if she is serious about being asexual, she should let him know early on.