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Already included some of this in a post in the Haven but after some thought I figured I'd like to hear some other opinions on it. For a long time I've felt beyond advice, no one can help me because no matter what I still end up feeling the same way, but maybe it would do me good at least for now to get some perspective from those more level headed than I am.

So early this year I both got in contact with an old friend and my mood pretty much skyrocketed, having felt pretty empty for years beforehand, only to plummet down within the month as I fell for her(again) and her response was to never speak to me again, and if I do she'll get police involved. Doesn't matter too much, just that's what's been clouding my judgement and has had me even more depressed than usual. Will call her Angel for this thread.

This other girl, Jay for the purpose of this story, started working where I do a month or two later if I'm recalling correctly. Thing is I didn't really notice her. Being maintenance I'm sort of a loner which is more or less fine with me, so I've got my own closet out back and spend a lot of time sweeping or mopping or watering plants, etc. I might talk to my bosses or the stockers briefly but almost never talk to cashiers except for one who's sort of a mother away from home. Kind of intrusive at times but nice to have someone who doesn't mind talking to me.

Anyway, this new cashier, in retrospect feels like she was trying to socialize with me, I suppose just normal friendly stuff. Me already beating myself up for being so stupid and naive, nevermind overweight and weird and awkward and nerdy, especially compared to Jay who's very conventionally attractive and seems popular, perhaps part of me subconsciously believed it was all a fluke, or maybe she just wants attention, or I'm the butt of a joke which seems the most common.

During that time she once asked for a bite of my apple, though pointed out she wouldn't normally ask under any other circumstances...I was still confused but offered the whole thing as I hadn't started yet and wasn't hungry anyway. Still she left it with me. I wonder if it has to do with any medical condition because whenever she comes into work she always seems like she's starved and choking down on something. Not saying it's bad but just very peculiar. Something I thought I'd only ever see in an anime, straight up Sailor Moon eating everything in seconds. Only darker toned :p

It wasn't long before I decided to try to Facebook her. Not something I do often since a hard lesson I learned from my first job...at least, never become friends with your boss anyway. A few days passed and I figured she must not like me after all, but then she finally accepted and then told me she's not on fb much so she gave me her number. I was still afraid to text too much ever since Angel told me I'm too clingy, so the next day Jay tells me it's ok to text her any time and that she likes hearing from me.

Weeks pass, we don't talk as much as I'd really like(Angel and I talked almost every waking hour, but then again that's like over 10 years or so and revealing all our secrets) but I didn't want to push anything, put too much pressure or whatever. Mostly likes and dislikes, like movies and music and hobbies, told me she comes from a wealthy family which makes me confused why she's working here but eh, not my place to judge. I'm not bad off but am splitting rent four ways with parents and sister, also don't have a car to pay for yet.

We both took vacations around the same time, and got the idea to exchange souvenirs. Did that around beginning of August. However between that she told me she'd met a guy there, apparently super muscular and it was easy for her to talk to him all the time. I got upset, probably overreacted pretty badly, maybe Angel talking about her ex being so much better than me still stung. Jay had said I was handsome before, probably the only compliment I've gotten in a long time but admittedly doesn't have to mean squat really.

I didn't text her again til just before we both got back home. I apologized and told her I'd thought she was flirting with me, she said she didn't even realize I was deliberately not talking to her. Haven't heard her talk about this guy since, and still single according to Facebook but who knows if that really tells much nowadays.

So we exchanged gifts, she'd told me she likes Native American stuff and she tends to where exclusively black, so I picked up a black dreamcatcher in old town in Albuquerque. Apparently she liked it enough to hang it over her bed. Thing is she kept forgetting to take it home with her, I wonder if she's forgetful or maybe just didn't really want to accept it. She got me this little snow globe from ST Thomas, kind of silly with it being all tropical with palm trees. Doesn't mean much but I like it anyway.

We haven't talked nearly as much, but still a little. I worry if me admitting to thinking she was flirting was a red flag to get her to back off, or maybe she thinks I'm not interested, because in person I'm just not as talkative, and she seems the opposite. Not so expressive in text but always energetic, maybe happy to see me but that might just be inherent personality. She's hugged me a few times at least, and I feel a bit bad cuz it's still something I'm just not used to, I just have this instinct to either freeze up or try to back up I guess.

So, not texting as often but one day she did out of the blue. I almost always text first but this time she said its random but she's craving ice cream with gummi bears. I got her bears next day at work but looking back maybe I should have asked to go out for ice cream with her?? Maybe she is just random though.

And I suppose another time she did ask how I was doing when I got a cyst not a week after returning from vacation. I was embarrassed to talk about it but she said she's very open about stuff. Definitely have proof of that considering multiple times she'd just start up conversations about periods with other female coworkers while I'm in the room, and even tell me I'm so lucky not to have them. I guess she's not wrong? I don't like to be prudish but most experience I have with girls in general tells me they don't want to talk like that in front of guys. My intuition tells me it might be bad, logic being she may not see me as a "man" and therefore non potential mate. But again could be nothing important.

The other day she told me not to be so down on myself, something came up about money though I don't remember what, just that apparently I'm worth at least $5 lol. I think I made it awkward by texting later on saying that I hope I haven't put her off, just that a falling out with a friend has left me super depressed and insecure. Didn't mean to put any pressure on, just to explain why I might not seem so recipient, besides my autistim which I'd already mentioned early on. Still, no reply to that.

Had also sent her some doodles based on stuff we've talked about before, she says she's liked them but they're just stick figures, so I decided to actually try to draw her. She thought it was really cool, saved it on her phone, asked me today which picture I used for reference. Didn't get a lot of time to talk today though since I had to rush home and look after my 1 1/2 year old niece. So much work.

Tomorrow night was supposed to be mom's birthday party(not real mom, maybe I'll call her Kay), but sadly doesn't look like it will happen. Even so, gave me some ideas. Jay's teased me about me being afraid of horror movies which she loves, maybe that's an idea. Also says she loves anime, and there's a con I'm going to next month so maybe that's another.

However, I asked her about hanging out before and got no reply there either. I've read some girls would prefer to just be asked plainly to go on a date, bug my problem is whenever I ask that I always without fail turn out to be terribly wrong about everything I thought. And I really don't want to make things weird with someone I have to see at work. Besides, if I can't tell if she's ignoring me or really just busy a lot, I don't know how it would go if it stays this way when dating.

Mostly I want someone to talk to again and who understands, friend or more ultimately doesn't matter as much as just feeling close to someone. I understand it takes time but I'm just always anxious, going from one extreme to the other, either bothering her too much or letting her slip away. I can't tell so that's really why I'm asking for any advice at all.

NT perspective just reading what you have written (and yes you write v well) it gives me a very clear picture of someone who likes you, but probably as a friend and co worker. I think the likely hood is that your friendship( in the form that it is now) will be all,that she wants or requires. Why do I think that? Well it's a bit of reading between the lines, but . . . I think her not replying to your suggestion of hanging out is because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but also doesn't want to get your hopes up. She will have picked up that you like her with the gifts and some of your texts and she is obviously comfortable with that but doesn't want it to go further. I think she could be a lovely friend but probably not much more than how it is currently. Try not to push or pressure her and maybe in time she will invite you along to a group social event, and you may meet other people like her . . . .. That's my penny worth and of,course I may be completely wrong. Take care

Thanks. I feel like this is just a jumbled mess of me rambling on, though. If I actually tried to write something it might not turn out so well. Maybe I can try some time. Have another friend who has recently published a book, maybe she can give me some tips on how it's done, at least the way she did it.

As far as things with Angel go, it's complicated, at least how I saw it. She'd been really upset about her ex who so far as I know is still living with her and still sleeping with her and still sometimes acts like he'll take her back but of course he never does. Thought it was my job to console her as a friend but it seems to me she thinks I was trying to manipulate her somehow. She's also told me the only reason I ever say anything about being depressed is to get attention and that she won't give it anymore. So I'm really not sure.

You may be right that Jay only wants to be my friend I guess. I just wish that if she could tell how I feel that she would find a more obvious way to let me know than to go between ignoring me and then acting like I'm the best person ever the next. Suppose part of that is just me though and my utter ineptitude with anything to do with social cues/body language/etc. I know one of my sisters has gone through something similar, only with a guy who was way older and a customer rather than an associate. I'd like to think I'm not that threatening. I've never hurt much more than a fly. As for feelings why should anyone start caring now?

Today we had similar shifts for once. Usually we only see each other once, I get out at noon and she goes in. Today she's working from 10 to 2 so that was a couple hours. Granted it got very busy being the weekend and all so we didn't get to talk much anyway. At one point I had to go out to water the plants, and she remarked that she hates that real flowers die and it's why she asks her boyfriend to get her fake ones instead.

Thing is I'm not really sure if she said boyfriend or boyfriends. One might not say whether she's single for sure or not but the other definitely means she's taken. Can anyone give me any good reason why girls will say they are single on online profiles when they are not? I don't think I know one guy who has ever had a reason to do so.

Even so, I'm not sure what to do either way, if anything. I just kind of laughted it off at the time(and after watering the plants the hose decided to burst open in my face, hope no one saw). Maybe I should ask and say congrats? Or apologize if my gifts made things awkward? Say nothing and give up?

Time came for me to go home, and by then things were pretty crazy. Don't envy her having to work same time tomorrow, Sunday's are the worst. So anyway as I'm leaving she seems miffed at me for not waving goodbye. I'll do that to most everyone any other time, but when it's that busy it's kind of unlrealistic of me to expect them to drop everything and the customers to wave back. I ended up saying something stupid though and told her I'd get her some flowers. Can't say for sure how exactly she reacted, she smiled anyway but who knows what that can really mean.

Almost want to confront this and get it over with but at the same time I'm pretty adverse to any and all confrontation, it just makes me really nervous to where I have trouble focusing. That and I don't want to come off as mean about it either, I'm not trying to be forceful or imposing. Maybe I should take it easy as said. Still, I hate juggling thoughts of either making a fool of myself and alienating her or missing out on someone who maybe might have a very tiny chance of liking me for once in my life. People keep telling me I probably have people who secretly like me that I just don't pay attention to...they don't seem to realize I have so few friends in real life or really in general that I keep spotlights on as it is. I'd think investigating any traces of this in my small social circle that I would at least have some idea if someone ever had a crush on me. It 100% without a doubt is never the case.

Am not really interested in meeting friends of this person or any other for that matter. I don't really do consolation prizes. Would rather not feel forced to see if I fit with someone just because I'm not good enough for the other. It just does not feel natural.

Did end up doing a stupid thing after all. Congrats'd her on her new relationship and said I probably made stuff awkward with all the gifts. She said she would tell me if things were weird and that she doesn't have a boyfriend. So I said I probably must have misheard her since I was really tired. Either way probably thinks I'm weird now for sure. Who says congrats like that? Agh.

Didn't go to work today, been busy returning my niece to her parents and trying to get my sister an Eevee build-a-bear for her birthday (apparently everywhere sold out the day they got em unfortunately). I did send a text just to ask how she was and she told me she hurt her elbow at work and had to go to the hospital. I asked how, no reply but I bet it probably hurts to do much with that happening.

I guess depending on how bad it is I may not see her tomorrow which kinda stinks. I know it sounds like a really dumb, stupid, ridiculous idea, probably even creepy, but thought I'd stick a fake flower in her locker as well as a note that says I'm too shy to ask her out on a date. I probably won't but I can't help but feel compelled to try to figure out for sure what she thinks of me.

In the past letting things play out naturally has only made potential dates drift away out of my life, and at the same time trying to be bold or at least hint at anything has also made people run for the hills. So I feel pretty damned regardless.

Think this will be my last update until anyone else has anything to add or comment on.

Actuallly, in my opinion, that wasn't a bad move. It was a great way to find out what you wanted to know, without making things more awkward. Now that you know she is single, you can at least see where things go, but I wouldn't push things with her. Let her come to you. If she is interested enough, she will, especially if you've given her positive reactions to her company.

Requesting this to be closed.