"I don't want sex, I want the things leading up to it."

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"I don’t want sex, I want the things that lead up to it. The slow kissing then the passionate kissing, then the pulling closer, the neck kisses, the grabbing, biting, heavy breathing, grinding, the pauses while you catch your breath, feeling each other. Oh my."

I found this quote on Facebook (don't know who it's from), and I was surprised to find that it actually describes me pretty well. Does anybody else feel this way? With how much sex is glorified these days, I can't imagine many "normal" people do. Maybe it's an aspie thing? What do you think?

Isn't that just a description of foreplay? It is my impression that a lot of people (women at least) prefer the interactions you've described to sex itself, or at least don't want sex without them. I can see why; it's an expression of emotional attraction as well as sexual, it shows that you really want each other and care about each other, and it also prolongs the sexual experience.

I am saying this as an asexual (but not aromantic) virgin lol , but I've had to suffer through enough girly movies, gossip, sleep-overs, chit-chat and nonsense over the years and that's the impression I've formed. Still alien to me!

Maybe I'm looking at it wrong, but it seems to me that kissing/cuddling/foreplay/etc is a way of building up the anticipation. From what I've heard, the sex part itself never lasts for very long, so if that's your only goal it'll be over too quickly. With all the things mentioned above, it gets you excited, makes you look forward to the sex, and the sex is much more worthwhile because of it. It's like the difference between watching an epic movie from start to finish, and just skipping straight to the final battle. You're not as invested as you would be if you went through the whole story. (does that even make any sense?)

That all seems very logical to me, and like I say the anecdotal evidence shows you're not alone in how you feel. The very fact it was a thing on facebook shows that there are like-minded people out there, and that it might not be an exclusively aspie thing.

Maybe my own attitude to sex isn't so very different, I'm just further removed again; I don't even want the kissing etc., I just want a strong intellectual and emotional connection. I sometimes think I would like someone to hug me too, but not tenderly; even the word 'tenderly' makes me feel a little ill.

My point is, I think most people want sex for a mixture of physical and emotional satisfaction, and as such your preference for the anticipation-y parts isn't abnormal. Anticipating anything good makes it more satisfying in the end.

i remember the other day you posted a thread where you said you were confused why a certain girl seemed particularly interested in you (sorry if i'm getting it mixed up). maybe that kind of attitude is part of it?

i don't think there's any good reason why wanting those kinds of things wouldn't be normal (or even "the norm", really), but then there's that silly thing like "uh dude that's so gay", which is mostly a male-against-male competition kind of thing, and has very little to do with what people of both sexes really like

the way i see it, autism means a difficulty grasping, absorbing and responding to lots of social norms, but then sometimes there's also the silver lining that you don't absorb some silly norms that don't really benefit anyone (like the notion that wanting or enjoying foreplay, cuddling etc is either "feminine" or "gay")

In a resonating relationship so to speak, I feel each ''stage'' leading up to and after sex possess equal potency and importance, the actual act of intercourse and uh stimulation are already echoing in the various layers of probing intimacy and gradually unfolding petting and hungry groping, romantic gazing and sweet jibberish that flows through, these are all present during the sex itself for me, the package comes together as a stick of dynamite in the middle but I will always see sex as a surface that wraps around, I like the things leading up to sex because they are like ripples in the pool. I don't mind if the sex doesn't happen on a particular night or whatever but I'd expect to be having sex frequently. Kissing is a brilliant illustration, there's infinite patterns and intentions to a kiss between folk, you can go very far and sail to other places or you can simply have a good kiss and resume your previous business or have a little flutter and be taken by the winds of passion. I like all yields. I enjoy the progression and union found in the centre but it's not something I crave more than lighter bouts of intimacy like cuddling, holding hands, reflecting on previous fun times or fixing holes in conflicts or learning something new about one another or trying new directions, I do feel sex is important but it's one of many points along a chart of an ocean of considerable depth with many cross sections. that's my quick ramble anyhow lol.

To me all that is part of the sexual experience. It's the romantic anticipation and making each other feel good. I enjoy the sex aswell but I would say 2/3 of a sesh is kissing and cuddling and such and is just as important as the intercourse in fact sometimes more so.

I for one would want sex just as much as whatever takes place before it.

i thought that the "i don't want sex" statement was a figure of speech. after all, there can be no anticipation if you're not anticipating something

my experience with sex (the actual intercourse) was that it's not automatically enjoyable like it seems to be (i mean even assuming that it's always with someone you take your time with and have an actual personal connection with). the thing is that there's a type of pressure once you're at it. you lose the option to decide that you're tired and then just leave it at that. your partner (and your balls...) are not going to like it. and sex is what you've been anticipating all along, and you don't want to disappoint or be disappointed by the experience. the thought of sex feels like the ultimate "going with the flow", but the practice of it sometimes really isn't

the intense pleasure of genital contact alone doesn't magically neutralize physical constraints and annoyances of your body. it does feel like it will magically neutralize all the annoyances in the universe though, and it's hard to even grasp the fact that it won't. and i think that's the point. it makes perfect evolutionary sense that we would expect and imagine sex to be better than it really is, even if you've done it lots of times before. and if you want to make the best of it, i think it makes perfect sense to think of it as the inescapable biological excuse for all the things that surround it