My girlfriend hurt me, but did I deserve it?

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About three years ago, when I first started dating my gf, I had a FWB from before the relationship. The FWB called me to catch up on things and see how things were going. She got flurty, and talked about some sexual stuff, that happened between us before and I made some jokes about it out of laughs. My gf got mad at me for doing so, and we had a fight over it. It was wrong of me to do that though, and after I figured that out, I cut the former FWB out of my life, and haven't spoken to her since. I felt terrible for what I did and glad that I learned a hard lesson. Me and my gf have been dating and happy since, I am glad I cut the former FWB out for her. I like doing this like that for her.

However, three years later now, she told that back then, when that happened she was so upset, that she went back to a guy she use to do date, who she was still friends with. She was upset and while crying she allowed the guy to begin Mod cut. She said she thought we were over, cause of how I joked about my relationship with my former FWB, while talking to her on the phone, and because she thought it was over, she allowed herself to be slightly taken by another man for a brief moment.

I was really hurt that she waited three years to tell me this though. Maybe if it was back then, at that time, I would have understood and accepted it more. But I feel bad accepting it now. I mean she invited the guy to her last birthday, as a friend and I talked to him all night as we were all hanging out. And now I find out that he started to have sex with her for a brief moment, and I didn't know about it all this time.

But maybe this is my fault. What I did was wrong, and perhaps she doing what she did, and not telling me till now, was a justified punishment for what I did. If so, then that is the lesson I learned. I was just wondering what other people thought of the situation, that's all. What do you think out of curiosity?

Thanks for the input. I really appreciate it.

Neither yours or her behavior are justified. The severity in hurt that both of you inflicted on each other is irrelevant. The fact that you both made bad choices and hurt one another will remain an open wound for quite some time to come. Depending on the kind of relationship you have with her, both of you may end up picking at this wound every time one of you feel slighted and it will never heal.

My two cent, if the relationship is healthy and you were happy before you found out about her affair. Then I would try to let bygones be bygones and redirect the focus towards spending quality time together and building a connection that would allow for love and effective communication to flourish. Hopefully by doing so, both of you will learn to love and communicate in a way that leave little to no room for affairs to occur in the future.

You can't change what already happened in the past and neither can she. You can however, adjust your perception of the issue, so that you are not constantly wasting time ruminating.

Otherwise, if you absolutely cannot accept what she did, then your only other option is to walk away from the relationship. You are guaranteed to feel hurt even more, but you'll soon realize it liberates you from any obsessive thoughts over her and the affair. Living in misery for the duration of your relationship is going to be a never ending nightmare.

This is not a reason to end a relationship.

Okay thanks. I asked some others and they said that even though what I did was bad, what she did was worse. One person said 10 times worse. So I am not sure how to feel about it right now.

Yes, it is.

This is my take:

These things happen in relationships. It was three years ago. She should have told you then; she didn't. Instead, she told you now.

Like I said, these sorts of things happen in VIRTUALLY ALL relationships. If you two love each other, like another poster stated, you should just let bygones be bygones, and move on.

Life is a journey. Relationships are a journey.

Not sure about the 10 times worse thing.

So your girlfriend had a brief dalliance with some other guy whom you happen to know, 3 years ago when she apparently believed your relationship with her was in jeopardy. The fact that she was comfortable telling you now implies to me that she feels more certain about your relationship than she did back then, plus if you know this guy then it's probably better that you know what happened.

I would be concerned if she was still hooking up with him, although there are even people who could live with that to some extent - but such people are unusual.

Anyway, I don't think what she did at the time was "bad" per se although it may have been bad judgment on her part. Nor was it bad for her to tell you.

I did look at your posting history. Apparently you have had other concerns in this relationship, that you don't mention here but could be contributing to how you feel. What most people don't seem to understand is that most relationships have some sort of problems. People are rarely so perfectly matched that nothing can come between them. The odds that you will leave this relationship then find anything better any time soon are really quit low. Three years is actually longer than I was ever in a relationship before meeting my wife. One reason my marriage has lasted could be the fact that I wasn't expecting perfection.

If you are considering marriage, then I would highly recommend some sort of couples counseling.

I respectfully disagree that she should have told him at the time. There are times when it's best to resist the urge to confess.

Then again, it’s not like you need a reason.

You both had people that tried to tempt you both early on in the relationship. You both had different ways of dealing with it. Your friend is cut out of your life and it seems like her friend is still lurking in the background as well.

I say that there is no reason to trust this friend of hers either. Even three years after the fact.

Dump her. The truth is that she took your rather innocent mistake as an opportunity to indulge in purposeful inappropriate behavior with her ex. She was looking for an excuse to cheat on you and she took it. This girl is bad news for you. You deserve better than to be treated like that.

Actually, the only thing she did wrong was confess. She thought the OP had developed enough maturity to put the incident in perspective and forgive her. She should have kept her mouth shut.

She cheated on him. That is the absolute worst thing a person can do in a relationship. Get rid of her.

So if someone confessed to me of a murder after years, I should just forget it and not call the police?

Thank you. This is a perfect response.

The OP needs to get an "abundance mentality". There is literally an unending supply of women in this world. Nobody is really all that special. And when someone hurts you in an unforgivable way such as by cheating on you, you should dump them. You don't need to be with someone who treats you like that. You are a person of value who deserves better than someone like that.

OK one more post and I promise I'll leave this thread.

Please read the OP. Under the circumstances I would be willing to overlook what the lady did. I think everyone will agree that what she did was wrong, however it would be ridiculous to equate this with murder. Plus cheating is not necessarily the worst thing someone can do in a relationship. There's this for example. As I said, she should have just kept this thing a secret between herself and the other guy. She thought the OP could handle it but was wrong. Going forward, she'll probably be a lot less open with him, if the relationship in fact survives much longer.

If you look at some of the OP's earlier posts, you might see that he hasn't been the best boyfriend in the world either. Of course who is? I think we tolerate each other in this forum because we share similar deficits in our dealings with others. But we should also be willing to own up to our deficiencies. The "D" in ASD does stand for "disorder" after all.

A couple of years ago I posted this about a past girlfriend - Was she on the spectrum? I feel like sharing a bit more of that story than what was written before, as it might help to explain how I arrive at some of my opinions.

So when she and I first became a couple, I can recall she told me she had a "lover" - in fact I know who the guy was. In fact, she described him as very "gentle" which if you think about it, would typically only be said in reference to somebody who was very "well endowed". I can recall not having assumed at the time that she would never hook up with him again, as it was plainly described as a purely FWB situation. Although my memory may not be so dependable so many decades later, I can recall at the time not really caring if she did. Later on (maybe a few weeks later) I happened to stop by a venue where an event was being held by a cultural group. When I got there, I saw her walk past holding hands with some guy. If I recall, she smiled at me and continued on. That evening, I calmly asked her to never do that again in front of me which she never did IIRC. However it's quite possible she had a friendly hook-up in the guy's van before saying good-bye to him. In case it's not clear, I was essentially living with her at that point. She and I spent every night together. In fact the relationship continued for another couple of years. If you don't think she was serious about me, the fact is that the following Spring she actually announced our engagement in the local newspaper. In fact she was so much into me at the time, that during the summer when I couldn't be with her, when I would come to visit, at the end of our visit when I had to leave, she would always throw up from the degree of upset. To be perfectly honest, I should have actually married her, even if it hadn't worked out in the long run. I didn't know how good I had it.

Part of the explanation is that she was the most sex-positive female I ever met - I guess I just couldn't bring myself to be angry at her for a couple of indiscretions.

Her influence may well be why I have so little patience with the repressed attitude some people on these forums have with regard to the topic of sex and relationships.

Just felt like getting that off my chest.

Oh one more thing. @PuzzlePieces1 - "abundance mentality"? - Nope, not a thing. I'll bet dollars to doughnuts plenty others will agree with that.

Actually, I will post again in the event of a legitimate request for me to clarify what I have said up til now.